Wake me up when December Ends.

It has been a dream of mine for a long time to become a river guide for a Summer in Colorado. I don't see that happening this year but maybe it's time to start making changes to support that for the Summer of 2012.

I love the life of a river guide from what I've seen. Sleeping on upside down rafts, waking with the sun to beautiful scenery everyday and most of all, spending time on, in and around the river.

I developed a love for Colorado in 1997 and most likely would have ended up there had I not been dating JC at the time. Don't read that as I blame JC, I secretly think he kept me on track so I could be where I am today.

I need to get back to my life goals and doing things that make me feel good. Horseback riding and Vespas to name a few. Here's to hoping for a better year that 2010. Wake me up when December ends please. Thanks.

My Greener Grass is Brown.

I signed another year lease today which will put me in Austin for at least another year. Not that I'm upset about that or anything, it's just that time of year I think. I'm in a funk rut. I'm analyzing the things I do, the people I choose to do them with and wonder if there's something bigger that I'm meant to be doing. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

Last night I stayed in for the first time in maybe a year or so. I've never feel like I'm home when I'm home in this apartment. I don't know why. I agreed that if I stayed here in this place, I'd do more to make it my home. That will start with getting a washer and dryer and a dresser to put my clothes in.

It was this month that Stephen and I were to move into a house where we were to have chickens and a duck that we would call Soup. I've been thinking about him more than I'd like to lately. I guess I think about love and being in it and wondering if I ever was or if I'm capable of loving. I feel so skewed lately. So while I smile and go about my day, parts of me are wishing for simple things like cooking a meal with someone I cared about, cuddling on the couch, tending to the chickens together, seeing the tree lighting ceremony at The Capitol and other such small things that are taken for granted on a daily basis.

I miss my family too. I hate thinking about not being with them on Christmas. I hate that I'll be in front of this stupid computer that barely works trying to get my webcam to not fuck up long enough so I can actually see Mom and Dad.

Running Away!

I don't have a runner's body. I may not appear athletic to many but let me tell you, when it comes to running, I'm pretty darn good at it! In the past 4 days, I have run 9 miles including Warrior Dash on Saturday that was a 5K muddy run! I had an absolute blast running in time with my co-worker, Jennie. I hadn't been training for about 3-4 weeks prior to Warrior Dash and still did pretty darn well. We managed to run the whole thing except for where we had to walk and wait to do the obstacles that were in our way. The best part of the day by far was the mud pit. I ran and dove face first, skinning my knee and getting mud on nearly every part of my body!

Anyways, I continue to be mostly happy and finding joy where I can. My new mantra is:

Today I will follow pleasurable pursuits that make my heart beat with a contented rhythm.

And I sure am.....

Broken Heart Recovery

My posts are few and far between lately. Sometimes when I'm driving late at night, I think of things to write in my blog but quickly tuck those little thoughts back in my mind and never mention them here.

I guess I don't want people to worry that I'm not ok because of something I wrote. I AM ok but have moments of sadness where I miss my friends and home. I suppose that is normal, right?

I remain single. I am realizing that I've never really recovered from mine and Derek's breakup. I guess that is what being 100% in love is like. It takes a while to recover. Last week, I walked into a place I frequent rather often and instantly got butterflies. I think my jaw was on the ground. I don't want to write too much about that because if for some reason he were to know how I reacted, he may think I'm a total weirdo. Anyways, I've lost my steam to write for now.

Rant

I'm sick of flaky people.


At least return a stupid message once and a while and don't fucking make plans if you can't keep them.


End of rant.

Under Your Spell Again

Strong, Soaring Eagle, Fierce Lil' Lion.

So as many know, I've been flying high. I ended my 5 days off by floating the river with Devin and Andy today and dancing to Johnny Falstaff and Mike and The Moonpies. Seriously, it was a perfect end to a really, really fun few days. Of course there is a catch.....

As I was having some Jarobie cuddle time, my phone went off. I was thinking, "Who would be sending me messages this late?" Really, it could have been any number of people but I wasn't expecting him. Yeah. So I looked in the mirror as I was taking out my contacts and said, "Millie, you are what you do when it counts." While his message was actually very sweet and personal, I've experienced that before. It's all sweet, sweet, sweet and then he flops like a fish and becomes a person I don't know and actually really dislike. I then quickly texted my "soul sister" and was freaking out for a split second. It was kind of a collected freak out, not an all out shit fit.

Her advice was turn off the phone. I didn't do that. I just didn't respond. I want to. I want to say a lot of things to him but I know that it is what soul sister calls the death spiral. When I kissed her goodnight just a few minutes ago, she said, "Remember, girl, you are strong." "Look at how happy and beautiful you are and where you're going." I reminded her that I knew I was strong and that I'm busy soaring. I'm an eagle, damn it! I'M AN EAGLE.

I'm kind of sorry I didn't respond to him because the kind, not selfish person in me want to reassure him he'll be fine without me. I just can't be with a man like him.

Master Plan in the Works?

While driving Rupert today, I started to get angry. I started thinking about the person who called me selfish. I thought to myself, "You sad, sick, lonely person." "You have no idea who you are and you're grasping so hard to find out and you might never know because you're too full of hatred to let go enough to learn." Then I thought to myself, I'm none of those things. I know just who I am and it isn't selfish. It's funny how people can bring you down. If I knew then what I know now, I guess I wouldn't be where I am but I could have done without some of the bull shit.

I have had THE best weekend! Yesterday takes the cake though. I got to spend time sunning with Michele who came to town for her birthday. We lay in her front yard (in tiny bathing suits) and caught some rays, caught up with each other and drank some yummy margaritas. It was the perfect Austin, Texas day. I love her. She is my soul sister. She confirms what I already know about myself and makes me feel good about the woman I am and who I am becoming. We both agreed that great things are coming my way and life can only go up from here. No more dead weight!

Tonight yields some more fun. Not dancing fun though! I've been taking it easy on my leg so I can start training for the run I'm doing with some friends in October. Tonight should be one for the record books, we'll see.

There's a plan in motion, I just can't see the whole picture just yet. I think soon all the pieces will come together and I'll be like, "OHHHHH.....right.....PERFECT!"

Reflection

A few short words today.

"You are what you do when it counts."

Try to fit that in to your life somewhere and learn from it.

I'll be busy reflecting.

Owning Up

It's amazing what people will do to get what they want.

I'm laying here looking at old pictures of Axl and I'm longing to own him again. I must have that damn scooter back. I must. I said I'd never ever sell that damn bike and what did I do? I sold that damn bike. I've said I'd never do a lot of things, most of which I can't name here but I went and did them anyways. So really, is there nothing I won't do? It makes me wonder what my boundaries are and how far I'd really go to get what I want.

I have regrets about a lot of it but I'm where I'm at because of some of the choices I've made. I always look at it that way and smile. What ever choice I make, it is mine to own and live with forever.

Back to Soaring

It has been a few days since I've spoken to Stephen at all. I don't anticipate that we'll speak again. Maybe somewhere down the line we'll cross paths but I'm not so sure of that either. It's painful when I think about our entire relationship. There were so many ups and downs and lack of communication. I really thought maybe we could work it out but I just can't take someone who flops like a fish and lives in the past when we were trying to work out a future.

The thing that sticks in my head the most is that he called me selfish. ME. Selfish. Right. Just because he wasn't getting what HE wanted from me made ME selfish. I stick by my word that I'm not going to use any foul words or take jabs at him. He's said more mean things to me (and I've a bunch I'd like to say to him) but it is counterproductive. It's not worth worrying about. He'll find a new girlfriend and I'll find new men that I am interested in.

I honestly have been feeling better since I decided we wouldn't speak any more. No more texts, no more e-mails. I feel as if a weight has been lifted and I'm back to soaring like the eagle I am. No one is going to hold me down or keep me from the life that I truly want to live. No one.

Very Strange Dream

Somehow I ended up in New York City. I was walking the streets asking where to go but nobody could help me. At one point I was crossing a bridge but the water was so high that I ended up walking in the murky, black water. I was also on my cell phone talking to Elizabeth Forel about being lost in NYC and something about wanting to see these carriage horses she was protesting against. The line became disconnected and I never bothered to call her back. I remember it being 2 in the Afternoon and I was shocked she was home from work. I got on a bus where the driver was wearing a fuzzy fur hat (I think). I whispered to him that I wanted to get to Central Park. There was also an exchange with a cute boy sitting behind me on the bus but I can't remember what was said. The bus circled around as the driver told me I had the wrong bus and while the bus was moving, I grabbed a pole outside the bus door and twirled off the bus very gracefully. The driver said something about how fancy I was and took the bus left. I FB updated my status to say, "I'm in NYC and no one knows where Central Park is."

I eventually ended up in a tunnel with an old friend Ryan Fojo. He guided me through the tunnels and showed me a drawing of NYC on a chalkboard. There was a square that he moved on the board to the far upper right hand corner of the board and said, "This is where you need to be." The opening of the tunnel was similar to that of the one at Oak Street Beach where all of a sudden you can see the tall buildings and it is really pretty. Except this seemed to be the Upper East Side of NYC where the buildings are all residential and they meet the park. I wouldn't know for sure as I've never seen that part of NYC. I became excited and saw a line of carriage horses. I approached one girl with very red hair and a white horse who had the body shape of Dante, an old horse in Chicago. The girl was crazy. She was eating waffle fries with ketchup and was talking so fast about how, and I'm going to ramble here and make no sense as she didn't make sense in my dream, "I spent money so he could eat and then they couldn't eat and then the next day I had money so I ate and I never should have picked up the phone." She had a metal push cart with several white pigeons who looked like big ducks but they were pigeons. She was tossing (and missing the cart) waffle fries. I kept picking them up and putting them on the cart for the birds to eat. She started walking her horse and carriage by hand when in front of us, the other carriages were headed up a steep hill. They were being told to do so by the police. The girl said, "This must be political." I said something to her about how the hill was so steep and the carriage was too heavy for the horse to pull up the hill. I remember seeing the carriage in front of her nearly tipping and the horse struggling to pull it up the hill. It was a Landau carriage. White with lots of glass windows.

WTF??

Grrrrrr.

I've little motivation lately.

I want to sleep. I know it isn't normal for one person to be able to sleep for 24 hours but sometimes I feel like I could. I have a long overdue doctors appointment on Monday. I'm not looking forward to getting poked with needles but I know they need to run blood work. I'm worried that with all the exhaustion, dizzy spells, collapsing and low blood pressure, something is really wrong. On top of all that, my sinuses continue to kill me and my shin splints are trying hard to make sure I never dance again.


The fun continues.

Slowing (Today ONLY).

I finally slowed down today. It is day 5 of my long weekend off and I really needed to get some laundry done. I have been putting off any chores or regular day to day stuff to indulge in pleasure and fun. I need pleasure and fun. I deserve pleasure and fun. I had LOTS of pleasure and fun the last several days.

Don't read this wrong, I have lots of fun but it tends to be the same ol' same ol' all the time. It was nice to spend a weekend off IN AUSTIN. I did get a little sad a few times but it passed. I haven't really allowed myself to sit still much since last week. Sometimes idle is good, in this case, not so much. I did different things this weekend but I also held true to what makes me most happy. Dancing.

I found myself sticky, sweaty on many different dance floors this weekend. Ginny's, Gruene Hall, Waterloo Ice House, Continental Club and tonight, Broken Spoke. I'm really happy I have something I enjoy so much. Dancing really is a release for me. I feel pretty when I twirl my skirt. I haven't been feeling very pretty for a while. That's gotta change.

Today as I said, I'm doing my laundry. I also washed Keeper. She really smelled foul. I'm also going to go shoot guns with a co-worker in a few hours. All of these things are good for me. Maybe in time I can slow down but right now my brain needs to keep moving.

I'm thankful for the people in my life even if I only ever get to talk to them in text messages because they're 1,000's of miles away. I'm equally as grateful to work with a great team of people. Yesterday, 10 of us floated The Guadalupe River with coolers of beer and mucho SPF 50. I managed to drink just enough to be sober by the time the float was done AND keep enough sun screen on to only get a slight red tint to my skin.

Busy Bee

There are so many possibilities.

I couldn't be happier that I'm off work the next 5 days. I'm trying to keep myself nice and busy. Busy Millie means less likely to think about the painful stuff.

On my to do list:

Shoot guns with Andy and Ross
Float the river with work friends
Dance, dance, dance DANCE!
Gruene Hall for The Derailers (who I've never seen)
Heybale! Who I never get to dance to on a Sunday night.

The rest really is going to be on a whim. I hope for some real fun and little down time.

Picking Scabs

This last month has been a lot of things. Most of all, it has been hard. Again, I always talk about coping and some peoples' inability to do so. Of course, recently, I've questioned my own ability.

I had a great time in Chicago. The party was stellar. Much punch and pool time with a few of my closest friends. I will say I was disappointed in a few people for not showing but I really can't wrong them if I don't wrong myself. I found myself really questioning "real" friends. Some people can't even return a simple text (including myself at times). The Cubs game with Jay and Deanna was super fun. So fun that I lost my voice for a few days after getting home to Austin. I don't know if you know, but trying to be an ER vet tech with no voice is really hard. My fellow techs and doctors had a really good time making fun of me and my whispering. I think secretly, they were having a party. I'm pretty chatty.

My mom seems to be doing well. I had a breakdown about her health in addition to other things last Thursday. I drank myself in to quite a mess. Luckily, Troy and Leslie were good friends and drove me home. I wouldn't have even tried to get home. Worst case, I would have taken a cab or Chad could have driven me home. I spent an hour on the phone with Troy after he dropped me off. I was a sobbing mess. Blubbering about my failing relationship, my sick mother being 1,200 miles away and just general worrying about my parent's and their well being. I'm not ready for them to be sick.

Today would have been mine and Stephen's 10 month anniversary. He made a point yesterday to leave him alone and never contact him again but today he wished me a "happy" anniversary. I didn't respond because I'm really trying to digest how mentally abusive he has been for quite some time. I've gone out of my way to not be aggressive back towards him. I wish I could yell at him for an hour about so many things. I'd write a letter here in my blog but I know he can access this and I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's funny because often when I've been hurt, I want to rip the eyes out and shit on the soul of the person who caused me grief. In his case, I love him. I think I may always. We just want different things. I guess the kid thing threw me off the most. He called me selfish yesterday. I'd be the first to admit, I can be BUT, in general, I really am not. Look at how much time I give up at my job helping others? I don't do it only because I get paid.

Anyways, I'm painful. I know I have to keep strong but I won't lie, sometimes I really want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Sometimes I want to be taken care of. I want to be cooked for, I want to not have to worry about day to day problems. I once had someone like that but that's a whole other blog post.

Ramblings

Amazing. My "3 week manicure" couldn't manage to hold up ONE DAY at my job. I don't know why I try sometimes.

I need a running scooter and a fast horse like NOW or I'm going to go into break down mode. If it wasn't for the 90 degree weather, I think I'd pull a Forrest Gump and run and run and run and run.

There's no running from Austin. I haven't been here long enough and besides, I really truly love it here. No one and nothing are taking me away from my "Neverland."

Is it wrong to want, want and want more? Not all of my wants are materialistic but I'm not about to spell it out here on the pages of this blog.

Next week's drive is coming just in time for me to spend countless hours alone and on the open road. And while it would be great to have company, I'll survive on my own. I have thus far.

Breakdown Royale

I'll tell you what. I'm the queen of coping. I talk about coping a lot and my amazement at the inability of others to cope. My life has been a series of challenges. Some I've brought on my self and others, well, I guess they're just part of life's ups and downs.

I'm actually wondering if I AM coping or if I just put the shit out of my mind to only come back to it later and hash it out.

I'm sick of these demons, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I want smooth sailing and to be happy. I'm frustrated, angry and confused.

I don't know how much more my body can take. How much more my mind will allow before I have the grand royal break down.

Rain, Horses, Scooters and More Bad News From Back Home

I've spent most of the afternoon sleeping. It is what I tend to do before I have to work a 10 hour overnight shift at the EC. Austin looks as if it is being blessed by the rain in late June. My dogs spent half the day shaking, panting and jumping on the bed as the thunder, lightening and heavy rains passed through. The forecast is saying we're looking at rain most of the week which is both good and not good. This weekend is my weekend off.

I'm missing a lot of my past. I often do. I think about it and think, "Hey, you could live that life again." Parts of it I want nothing to do with but there are so many things that are basic to me that I've really let go over the past several years. I'm mainly talking about Vespa scooters and horses. My green 100 Sport has been sitting still in the parking lot for about 10 months now. Since the purchase of my car and my healthy fear of riding in Austin, I've put the scooter on the back burner. I was recently talking to a friend back home who was telling me my old P200 is for sale. I know in my heart I should have never sold that scooter. I must find a way to purchase it back and sell the 100 Sport. Of course, Axl has his issues too but that was my, how do you say, "soul scooter." I'm cheesy and sentimental. I wear a cruciform around my neck from that scooter every day. I rarely ever take it off. It's a reminder of back home, good friends, late nights, ice cream sundaes and happiness.

Horses. Where do I begin? Let's just say my passion for them was once much, much greater than it is now. I used to be able to spend all day, every day at the barn with Stinky. Even when I had the carriage business, I enjoyed cleaning stalls and taking care of Tru, Leila and Phoenix. I don't know if the loss of the carriage business made me sour on horses or if it was the recent sale of my horse, Tru. She was my "soul horse." An amazing mare with personality more than some people I've met. I've recently made the decision to lease a horse. I'm not 100% sure which horse or if I'll even have to pay at all to ride but I need that discipline in my life again. I've always thought that horses really made me the woman I am today.

Horses helped shape me and taught me great responsibility. They also kept me away from boys and a lot of trouble in my teens. Granted, I was a sassy teen, I'm now a sassy adult. I question authority and do what I want when I want. I'll never say sorry for who I am. Anyways, back to horses. I need to start riding again. I need more physical activity. I do dance several nights a week at various places here in Austin and I'm on my feet a lot at work but I need a little more. I've never been one to exersise. I won't go to a gym but I'll ride a bike.

So that's where I'm at right now. While writing this blog my dad called with bad news. Looks like mom isn't do well after her procedure today. I don't have all the details but he sounds pretty upset. I don't know how much more I can take. This is one of those life tests I suppose. It sucks that airfare home this weekend is close to $800. Fuck.

Feeling the Distance

I'm in the same place I always am when I write in this blog. In bed. I've been thinking all day of what to write and really, there's a lot on my mind. The most important being my mother's illness.

My mother is an amazing woman. She is kind to animals and humans alike. She gives to those who have less than her and is full of patience and kindness. She is honest and loving. My mother is in her late 50's and had been overweight most of her life. That being said, it seems as if her health is starting to catch up with her. I know what most people think when they see a bigger person. They pass judgement, we all do in some way or another be it about a heavier person or maybe a stick thin person alike. It's easy to do. I'm sure my mom passes judgement too.

On Monday, I was diving to meek Anik at Polvo's for coconut margaritas when I got a call from my father. I assumed he was returning my calls from Sunday since it was Father's Day and I didn't get a chance to talk to him due to my work schedule. The tone in his voice was off and I knew something was up. I've heard that tone a few times, once when he called to tell me that my grandmother, his mother, passed away in her sleep on a train home from San Francisco. Then he told me my mother was in the hospital. My heart sank. I knew she hadn't been well and was told she had bronchitis. Her doctor was quick to assume and put her on antibiotics. When she wasn't getting better and was becoming sick to her stomach and having trouble breathing, he switched her to another antibiotic. Finally, Dad took her in and much to all of our surprise, Mom's heart was in poor shape.

It wasn't until she was in the ER that they took a picture and found that she had pericardial effusion due to heart failure. Yeah, not exactly what anyone ever wants to hear. And I'll tell you, I work in an ER just not and ER for humans. Heart and failure are never good words when used in the same sentence.

So anyways, it finally hit me today about how sick my mom is. I lost my shit at work and cried for about a half an hour. I felt awful and really, I still feel awful. I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to hug her and lay with her in her hospital bed. I want to go to the house and clean it for her so she can go home and not have to worry. I want nothing more than to be there for anything and everything she needs be it physical or emotional. Instead, I'm in my Wonderland home of Austin, Texas. Bless this town, I love it more than anywhere I've ever lived, but right now, I want to be home in Chicago.

I want to tell my mom how much I love her face to face. I want to thank her for everything she has ever done for me including being the best mother ever. For being the mother who really allowed me to be who I was as a teenager, for always trusting me. For accepting the crazy stuff I did in high school and all the radical colors my hair saw from age 16 until 18. Thank you mom for allowing me to soar. Thank you mom for getting me out of some pretty serious shit even when it was my own damn fault. Thank you mom for always being kind and loving even to the strangers that I work with. Thank you mom for helping me buy the car that changed my life and allowed me to have a new freedom that I had forgotten about. Thank you for the 9 months you kept me in your womb and for all the suffering your body felt when you were pregnant with me.

I keep thinking about the last time I saw you. I walked you and Dad to the parking garage. I remembered that today. I remember how hard I cried when I said goodbye to each of you. I thought today that I hope from the bottom of my heart that that wasn't the last time I get to hug you. If it is, I'll be forever sad.

Feeling Like Less of a Wreck. Today is a New Day.

Before I start writing a new blog, I often read the last entry. It made me a bit sad because a lot has changed since May 10th.

Taking things back is never easy and I've made some pretty impressive mistakes this year. Some more so than others in my opinion, not Stephen's. In his, they were all impressive. In the end, they were the break down of our relationship. While preventable, sometimes you lose your judgement in the heat of the moment. I can't take it back and I'll forever live with my choices.

I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss our camping trips and I'm left thinking about him every hour of every day. I see things that make me think of him everywhere. I'm going to miss the thoughts of our long-term plans of home ownership, chicken coops and vegetable gardens. I had a split second consideration of running away again but I'm not going anywhere. I love Austin and my life, mistakes and all.

I anticipate that my blog writing will become more frequent again being that I'm single and sad. I told him he was it. I'm not doing this again. I can't. I'm unlucky in love. I'm putting my efforts elsewhere. I need to analyze things and make changes. For me, so many great things have come out of heartbreak and loss. Let's see what comes of this.

Another Weekend has Passed Me By but Not Without a Lesson Learned!

Oh Monday....Most people dread Mondays but I really tend to enjoy them. It is the one day I always have off from work unless there is a holiday or I pick up a shift, both of which I've done this month due to my upcoming trip home.

This weekend was a fun one. It certainly had its ups and downs though! Friday, Stephen and I finished our grocery shopping for the camping trip and then we headed to Houston to see the Astros play at Minute Maid Park. I'm fairly sure that Stephen will agree, even though the Astros are his favorite team, that eating at Pepper Tree was the highlight of the day. OMFG, the food there was amazingly awesome. We had veggie nuggets and General Tso's Chicken, both Vegan!

After eating, we had some time to kill and I suggested visiting the Landry's owned Aquarium Restaurant. I hate that corporation more than I could write here for fear of being sued but trust me when I say, they don't give a shit about the rain forest OR the oceans. The exhibits were lovely, however. Very clean and well kept. You can tell that they are actually able to spend their budget to care for the animals unlike my past experience with that company. Ugh. There was a Green-Wing Macaw and it immediately make me think of Harpo and Chico, two Green-Wings owned by Rainforest Cafe in the late 1990's. Overall, the place was nice to visit and worth the $10.01 fee to get in.

Parking was easier than I thought. Little did we know that we were only a mile from the ballpark when we parked at The Aquarium Restaurant. We walked slowly and the late afternoon sun was scorching as it had been for several days up until that point. Stephen was excited. He never really said he was but I could tell that when we took our seats and he immediately called his dad to tell him how great the seats were! We were at the end of the 1st base line and had FRONT ROW seats! I need to look in to buying the same seats for the Cubs/Astros game in June. We got there as they were doing batting practice and warm up! Even though I really didn't care for either team playing, I love baseball and got a kick out of trying to catch balls that were hit in our direction.

The Astros lost big time. They didn't get a man past 1st base and they didn't score a single run. The Padres, however, hit a ton of balls and scored 7 runs overall. The 7th inning stretch must be the same everywhere. They sang, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" followed by a rendition of "The Stars at Night." Only in Texas I tell ya!

I was really sleepy on the drive home and Stephen took over about an hour in to the drive. I was thankful. I wasn't thankful, however, that he was pulled over and given a speeding ticket for going 10 over. That sucked and he was really upset. He never yelled or snapped at me but he didn't talk the rest of the way home. I felt bad and I hope to help him pay for part of the ticket if I'm able.

Saturday came quick and we were quick to get our things packed with the exception that we had to go back to my house as Stef's car was there with stuff we needed for the camping trip. Already off to a good start, huh!? Worse yet, I managed to lose my wallet in the parking lot of a Shell station somewhere on route to S. Llano River State Park. I didn't realize it until we were all the way there and I knew right away that I had left it on the roof of my car while putting ice in the cooler. I even said to myself, "Millie, don't forget, you just put your wallet up there." I was irrational and angry. It seems like every time we meet up with Liz and Javier, Stephen's friends, I'm having some kind of dumb blonde moment. Last time it was forgetting the tent poles this time, losing my wallet. I was in a funk about it for over an hour and acted like quite a jerk.

After canceling all my credit cards, I freaked out when I remembered what a pain in the ass it was to get a Texas driver's license AND that I had NO form of ID what so ever to board an airplane in two weeks. Yeah, I acted like a real asshole and yelled a lot. I later hugged Stephen and told him I was sorry for yelling so much. Shit, he got a $150+ ticket and he didn't vocalize at all. Sigh.

The park was nice. Small, but nice and pretty quiet. We had a few neighbors on Saturday night but none Sunday. Sunday, we went for a short hike after Liz, Javier and Liz's son, Vincent left. We bought more wood and I had a drink. Our hike took us up a huge paved road to a scenic overlook. Note to self, a scenic overlook is always going to be UP HILL. LOL! We got the traditional MilliStef picture and headed back to the camp site. I started the fire, sipped my margarita and made dinner. We had the usual, Vegan Italian sausages. I was pretty sleepy so I went to bed kind of early.

That brings me back to today. Monday. I was fairly sure that my wallet wasn't going to be at the Shell station. I walked in with a look and the guy, the same guy who sold me ice on Saturday, looked at me and said, "You're looking for your wallet, right?" My eyes lit up when he told me someone had turned it in. What luck! The money was gone but my DL and credit cards, which had been canceled, were all there. I was thankful and quite shocked to tell the truth.

And now for a twirl at Continental Club!

On Top of Mt. Baldy, All Covered with Poop (Yes, Poop!)

I don't have long to write. I'm sitting here on my couch uploading pictures to my facebook and figured I should try to put a few of them here for any of my regular readers. Stephen and I had a really nice time camping. The whole weekend, including Friday, was super nice. Busy and active too.

Friday we found ourselves two hours behind of schedule because neither of us could wake up. When finally up, the first thing I said, as usual was, "I want Veggie Heaven." So that is where our day started. Having Stephen on a Friday was a real treat and we made the most of it. Our day, after Veggie Heaven, took us to Pedernales Falls State Park where we did a bit of hiking. It was really pretty. No pictures because Stef forgot the camera. No biggie. I have pictures of it in my head. As if one SP wasn't enough in a day, we drove to Blanco State Park which really wasn't much of anything. Maybe the worst SP we've been to. On an up note, I met some white geese/ducks and they were really mean. It pleased me to feed them from inside my car.

Saturday we packed the car and headed Southwest to Concan, TX where Garner SP is located. I didn't know what to expect but the drive in alone was enough to convince me that this place was going to be my favorite yet! I cried a little when explaining to Stef how there is so much beauty and we're never going to get to see all of it. People have no idea how beautiful the state of Texas really is. There are misconceptions for sure. There was a slight glitch in the plans when I realized I forgot the tent poles to set up the tent. I felt pretty bad for about a day and beat myself up about it a lot. In the end it all worked out OK.

Sunday we got a somewhat early start (at least for us). We did some exploring when we came on a very steep trail leading up Mt. Baldy. Liz and Javier, who we camp with, didn't want to climb it so they took Keeper and Gracie while Stef and I hiked up and up and up! The reward was a great one. The view was spectacular. One may wonder, "What is on top of a big mountain?" I'll tell you, "Poop." Lots and lots of poop! It smelled like a zoo up there!! It didn't take away from any of the beauty though or the reward of the climb. Turns out the poop once belonged to Big Horn Sheep. Who knew!?

Anyways, I'm getting close to having to leave to go back to work. I'm not looking forward to it as I am other months when I'm off. I'm really burnt out right now. I thought this weekend off would have cured me but I don't know that it has. I guess when things start getting really icky or I feel bad, I'll try to channel that feeling I had as the light mist and cool air brushed across my naked shoulders atop of Mt. Baldy.

I'm the Worst Blog Owner Ever.......

Gosh, have I been bad about keeping up with my blog or what? I think that is historically what happens with me and blogs. You see, when I'm happy and life is all peaches, I don't write a lot. When something is bothering me or I'm sad/angry/whatever, I write.

Today I am writing just to write. An update of sorts I suppose. This time last year, I was visiting Austin for the very first time. Who knew that a year later I'd actually be living here. Ha, funny, because I think I actually KNEW that when I was coming for a visit, I was actually coming to check out the place for moving purposes. I think I've said it a bunch of times and I'll say it again, I'm so happy to live here in ATX!

Stephen and I bought our plane tickets to Chicago for Jessie's wedding in May. I'm really excited and I think he is too but he doesn't get as vocal about things as I do. I need to work on a list of things I'd like to show him while we're there. A short list is as follows:

Eat at Yummy Yummy, Sultan's Market, Soul Veg, Chicago Diner and House of Sushi and Noodles, Visit the Gold Coast mansions, view the flamingos at Lincoln Park Zoo, walk by the Adler late at night and sit on the steps that look back on Navy Pier and all of Chicago's beauty, drink at Club Foot, Continental and Underbar, catch a cool punk show at Metro, Reggie's or Bottom Lounge, take a scooter ride and the list will go on and on and on. I am hoping to also take him by my childhood house and a few of the farms where I spent most of my teenage years riding horses. I'm fairly sure that everything I want to do on our fist visit isn't going to happen but we're going to go back in July for my parent's annual party! We won't have a wedding to go to then either! I think Stephen is most excited about seeing Cubs vs Astros at Wrigley. If we're lucky (and have time) I'd like to show him that other team's stadium too....ya know, the one on the South Side....haha!

Yawn. The end for now.

Full Speed Ahead on Little Sleep!

It's been a long time since I've updated. I have a lot to write but have to get to work pretty soon.

I've been getting up early the past few days as it has been SXSW here in Austin and tons of great bands are playing free shows. My favorite band Lucero is going on in a few minutes but thanks to work, I'll miss them this time around. I did see Cory Branan today and Rocky Votolato yesterday so I suppose things aren't all bad. I also had the pleasure of catching a set by a girl named Lissie. She's from Rock Island, IL and my word can she sing. Do yourself a favor and listen to her song "Wedding Bells." It is what she opened with and brought tears to my eyes.

What else? Stephen and I are doing well. I'm more in love with him than I was a month ago. Things keep going in the right direction. Who knows, maybe someday we'll be hearing wedding bells. I'm looking forward to our move in together. We have big plans for another Aussie, some chickens and a white duck with orange feet and beak.

I have out of town guests staying with me starting tomorrow night through Wednesday morning. I'm so excited to see friends from home! I guess I should get my scrubs on and get headed to work. Looks like a shitty shift ahead. Two techs and two doctors on a Friday night. Awesome.

Winds of Change

I woke after only 6 hours of sleep. Part of me wanted to go back to bed and I even set my alarm for my regular waking time of....well, I guess no one needs to know when exactly I wake up BUT that doesn't matter because I didn't go back to sleep. Instead, I lay here in bed thinking.

Change seems to be the theme of my thoughts more recently. I can't go into detail but I feel the winds of change blowing and I am but a leaf in the wind. After the last few weeks, I've been thinking more about my life and where it is going. Who am I? What really makes me happy? What IS and ISN'T important? Who do I want in my life and how can I make more of the relationships that I have? So many questions. Some have answers and some answers are yet to be seen. I think my biggest issue right now is my schedule.

I love, love, love my job. I am blessed to have it and realize that every day. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much of what happens. Part of it could be because I'm still so new here and everything is exciting! Is it just burn out I'm experiencing? I don't know. Part of my fear is not being able to make the few trips home I have planned this Summer due to lack of PTO and scheduling flexibility. I also have the huge weight of a 1200 lb horse on my head (not literally, of course). Something has to give. I need to sell this animal as I am in waaaay over my head with her bills. I haven't seen her in almost two years! Regardless, it is going to be a losing situation.

So yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. I do my best to roll with the ups and downs but as of late, I'm questioning them a whole lot.

I Gained another "Notch" in my "Life Experience Belt"

So they say that life takes you through a multitude of experiences. My life couldn't be more true. Let me just say I am happy that the last 2 weeks of my life is over. They've been hard and really tested me. I've come out of the experience stronger and smarter than ever. I'm so blessed to have a handful of people who love me unconditionally and never pass judgement. Let me just say that I have some areas in my life I really would like to improve but there are also parts of my life that I wouldn't go back and change if you paid me (well maybe if it was a lot of money but not like $5).

I have a lot on my mind right now and some of it is just too much for the pages of my blog. Know that I'm well and have never been stronger. I hope in time, I'll be able to talk about my experience but until then, I'll reflect and cherish the person I am.

Grief

My mom hurt herself today. My heart is aching thinking about her being in pain and scared about when she's going to heal. We'll know more tomorrow but until then, all I can think about it wanting to fly home to hug her and reassure her she's going to be fine. She has my dad and luckily enough, he is off work for a few weeks so he can take care of her. I know she has a broken shoulder. I'm not certain where and I know she's very badly bruised. She was JUST saying how she was starting to feel good again too! She said she hasn't felt right after her gallbladder surgery up until now. I wish she could catch a break.

I'm so blessed in life to have a mom and dad who did and gave me everything they could. And when I say "gave" I don't just mean material things. I mean the stuff money can't buy. I'm a lucky woman. Please keep my sweet momma in your thoughts, prayer or whatever it is that you believe is healing.

Longing.

My long weekend off is coming to a close which always makes me feel sad. I think about going back to work, which I love my job, but don't love the late nights, weekends and holidays. I've been thinking about doing something to change that. My schedule has been mostly nice up until now. I'm now scheduled to work a few shifts up North. Not that that is a terrible thing but to go North on a Friday at 5 PM is absolute hell. Chances are I'll be late every time. Anyways....enough of that talk.

I'm not sure why but I'm feeling a bit low. I'm having a moment of missing my friends and family. I feel like I don't really have any real friends here like I did back home. Ugh. It's kind of stupid actually because I do have friends just not the quality I was used to back home. I find myself going places alone only to meet up with what I call "familiar strangers." We dance and have fun yet I know so little about their lives. I just miss having that close connection with people and wonder if it will ever happen here in Austin. I know it takes time and effort and I've kind of quit trying with most of the people I know here because they don't return the effort. It sucks.

Stephen and I went to the coast this weekend. It was a nice trip overall with a few really rough moments followed by some really amazing moments. It's funny how you can go through the whole spectrum of emotions in a weekend. Camping on the beach was neat. It is something I'd love to do again with a big group of people....oh wait....I don't know a big group of people. I think the most exciting part was waking up and going over to the harbor where we saw a pod of dolphins. I squealed and was jumping up and down with glee! We also visited the Texas State Aquarium where I met a very handsome parrot! He was quite the show off. I let Stephen drive home on Monday and we stopped in San Antonio to eat at a Vegan place called "Green." It was very good and I wish we lived closer to it as I would eat there all the frickin' time!

Once home, I rested for a while and then took all the blankets to the laundry mat. They were sandy and stunk of campfire much like myself! I then took The Rancho Campo 3000 (RC3K aka, my car) for some TLC. I cleaned the interior as much as I could and then washed the outside. Today I went and got stuff to really clean him and did so in the beautiful Austin sun. This weather is so what I've been waiting for! It is lovely. It was so nice, in fact, Gracie and I joined Anik and Turnip for a walk around the lake.

And that is how I ended up here laying in my bed thinking about how I wish I had more friends here to do things with. I mean really, I just wish people thought of me enough to actually call me, text me or invite me out to do things. Sigh. The end for now.

A Week in Facebook Updates.....

Starting with today's most recent.......

It's funny how when dancing with a complete stranger, there are so many unspoken cues and how things just flow. I'm sure these same cues exist in life but I have yet to really learn how to pick up on them as well. Sigh

Really should be asleep but is laying here thinking while listening to the sound of the rain outside my window. With luck, the melatonin will kick in soon and I'll have a Millie power down for a few needed hours of rest

Forgot how amazing Small Brown Bike is and purchased "Our Own Wars" for the second time in 10 years. Now who has a copy of the split they did with The Casket Lottery?? I can haz a copy? K thankx bai.

The view East from I35 and 290 was absolutely beautiful on my drive home from work this morning. It made me wonder if any of my friends in Chicago experienced the same beauty.

Would like nothing more than to share a few PBRs at Club Foot in Chicago tonight with my friends. Instead, I will go work overnight. Icky.

Taking deep breaths and listening to Owen on a constant loop.

Feels like driving and driving and driving straight to nowhere while listening to sad Lucero songs.

Doesn't know what to say. Fuck it.

Maybe I take that back, weed wacker dude. Perhaps I should thank you for getting me up and at em' at (what I call) a reasonable hour. I've been quite productive and all before 7 PM! Goooo, Millie!

Dear guy with the weed wacker outside my window, I don't like you a whole lot right now. Snort!

Puppies=Pain in the ass and loss of sleep. Grrr. Snort. Want sleep.

Was born with the gift of talking people off ledges.....

Crying thinking of Chad's Trout soft serve. Filthy

I love when things work out and I can actually have a fun Friday night out with friends and The Stef! Love ya Southies!!

Hoping to get off on time to catch part of The Beaumonts show! "Boots stay on and so does the hat!"

Had awful dreams last night one of which was about me moving back to Chicago. I remember crying and begging someone to let me go back to Austin.....Weird, huh? In the same dream I was placing an IVC and it kinked and then all the tape got messed up and ahhhhhh.....Maybe I need a vacation? I didn't even take melatonin last night!

A week of Millie life......the end.

New Leaves?

I sure have been a neglectful blogger lately. I guess the first thing I should say is Happy New Year! My life has been keeping me busy and part of it is a lack of drive to blog about life. Things are hard right now and I find I blog more when I'm upset or sad or just need to get words out of my head through my fingers and on to the computer.

Where do I start? I guess the biggest think on my brain right now is Stephen. Oh, Stephen. He is so perfect in so many ways but lacking in areas where I really need him sometimes. We have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together We laugh a lot and make all kinds of dumb jokes. There's a connection there for sure but currently there is a disconnection. Every month since we met, we've gone camping. I adore the outdoors and camping with him and the dogs is something I look forward to. I also enjoy variety (in many aspects of life). Last month it was so bloody cold and uncomfortable at night. I told him I don't want to camp this month. He's being push and rude about it and told me I can find comfort in pavement and orange street lamps. Yeah. A bit dramatic. Of course this disagreement has triggered other issues and we really aren't getting along right now. I guess I don't have much more to say about that. What I do know, however, is if we break up, I am NEVER falling for another human and will never be in a serious relationship ever again. Ugh.

Farah. It means "Joy" in Farsi. Farah came to the EAC two days before Christmas as a abandoned 6-7 week old puppy with two large wounds on her back. We joke that she fell out of Santa's sleigh and was run over. Not the funniest joke but if you knew our EAC crew, you'd get our humor. I didn't have the heart to send this baby to TLAC so I took her on as a foster. She actually was meant to be Stephen's foster but I've kept her with me mostly. I've come to realize he'd be a terrible father because when the puppy was crying in the Morning due to hunger, he wouldn't get up and take care of her. He made me do it when I was the one that needed to sleep because I had to work later that day. Anyways, Farah is doing well. She's healed up and has two speeds, dead asleep and balls to the wall crazy. Puppies are a pain in the ass but I do love them.

I'm so uncertain of so many things right now. I need to sit back and relax. I'm overnight at the EAC tonight so I should try to get some sleep. At least I got some of this shit off my chest.