Picking Scabs

This last month has been a lot of things. Most of all, it has been hard. Again, I always talk about coping and some peoples' inability to do so. Of course, recently, I've questioned my own ability.

I had a great time in Chicago. The party was stellar. Much punch and pool time with a few of my closest friends. I will say I was disappointed in a few people for not showing but I really can't wrong them if I don't wrong myself. I found myself really questioning "real" friends. Some people can't even return a simple text (including myself at times). The Cubs game with Jay and Deanna was super fun. So fun that I lost my voice for a few days after getting home to Austin. I don't know if you know, but trying to be an ER vet tech with no voice is really hard. My fellow techs and doctors had a really good time making fun of me and my whispering. I think secretly, they were having a party. I'm pretty chatty.

My mom seems to be doing well. I had a breakdown about her health in addition to other things last Thursday. I drank myself in to quite a mess. Luckily, Troy and Leslie were good friends and drove me home. I wouldn't have even tried to get home. Worst case, I would have taken a cab or Chad could have driven me home. I spent an hour on the phone with Troy after he dropped me off. I was a sobbing mess. Blubbering about my failing relationship, my sick mother being 1,200 miles away and just general worrying about my parent's and their well being. I'm not ready for them to be sick.

Today would have been mine and Stephen's 10 month anniversary. He made a point yesterday to leave him alone and never contact him again but today he wished me a "happy" anniversary. I didn't respond because I'm really trying to digest how mentally abusive he has been for quite some time. I've gone out of my way to not be aggressive back towards him. I wish I could yell at him for an hour about so many things. I'd write a letter here in my blog but I know he can access this and I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's funny because often when I've been hurt, I want to rip the eyes out and shit on the soul of the person who caused me grief. In his case, I love him. I think I may always. We just want different things. I guess the kid thing threw me off the most. He called me selfish yesterday. I'd be the first to admit, I can be BUT, in general, I really am not. Look at how much time I give up at my job helping others? I don't do it only because I get paid.

Anyways, I'm painful. I know I have to keep strong but I won't lie, sometimes I really want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Sometimes I want to be taken care of. I want to be cooked for, I want to not have to worry about day to day problems. I once had someone like that but that's a whole other blog post.