I'm in the same place I always am when I write in this blog. In bed. I've been thinking all day of what to write and really, there's a lot on my mind. The most important being my mother's illness.
My mother is an amazing woman. She is kind to animals and humans alike. She gives to those who have less than her and is full of patience and kindness. She is honest and loving. My mother is in her late 50's and had been overweight most of her life. That being said, it seems as if her health is starting to catch up with her. I know what most people think when they see a bigger person. They pass judgement, we all do in some way or another be it about a heavier person or maybe a stick thin person alike. It's easy to do. I'm sure my mom passes judgement too.
On Monday, I was diving to meek Anik at Polvo's for coconut margaritas when I got a call from my father. I assumed he was returning my calls from Sunday since it was Father's Day and I didn't get a chance to talk to him due to my work schedule. The tone in his voice was off and I knew something was up. I've heard that tone a few times, once when he called to tell me that my grandmother, his mother, passed away in her sleep on a train home from San Francisco. Then he told me my mother was in the hospital. My heart sank. I knew she hadn't been well and was told she had bronchitis. Her doctor was quick to assume and put her on antibiotics. When she wasn't getting better and was becoming sick to her stomach and having trouble breathing, he switched her to another antibiotic. Finally, Dad took her in and much to all of our surprise, Mom's heart was in poor shape.
It wasn't until she was in the ER that they took a picture and found that she had pericardial effusion due to heart failure. Yeah, not exactly what anyone ever wants to hear. And I'll tell you, I work in an ER just not and ER for humans. Heart and failure are never good words when used in the same sentence.
So anyways, it finally hit me today about how sick my mom is. I lost my shit at work and cried for about a half an hour. I felt awful and really, I still feel awful. I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to hug her and lay with her in her hospital bed. I want to go to the house and clean it for her so she can go home and not have to worry. I want nothing more than to be there for anything and everything she needs be it physical or emotional. Instead, I'm in my Wonderland home of Austin, Texas. Bless this town, I love it more than anywhere I've ever lived, but right now, I want to be home in Chicago.
I want to tell my mom how much I love her face to face. I want to thank her for everything she has ever done for me including being the best mother ever. For being the mother who really allowed me to be who I was as a teenager, for always trusting me. For accepting the crazy stuff I did in high school and all the radical colors my hair saw from age 16 until 18. Thank you mom for allowing me to soar. Thank you mom for getting me out of some pretty serious shit even when it was my own damn fault. Thank you mom for always being kind and loving even to the strangers that I work with. Thank you mom for helping me buy the car that changed my life and allowed me to have a new freedom that I had forgotten about. Thank you for the 9 months you kept me in your womb and for all the suffering your body felt when you were pregnant with me.
I keep thinking about the last time I saw you. I walked you and Dad to the parking garage. I remembered that today. I remember how hard I cried when I said goodbye to each of you. I thought today that I hope from the bottom of my heart that that wasn't the last time I get to hug you. If it is, I'll be forever sad.
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