I signed another year lease today which will put me in Austin for at least another year. Not that I'm upset about that or anything, it's just that time of year I think. I'm in a funk rut. I'm analyzing the things I do, the people I choose to do them with and wonder if there's something bigger that I'm meant to be doing. The grass is always greener, isn't it?
Last night I stayed in for the first time in maybe a year or so. I've never feel like I'm home when I'm home in this apartment. I don't know why. I agreed that if I stayed here in this place, I'd do more to make it my home. That will start with getting a washer and dryer and a dresser to put my clothes in.
It was this month that Stephen and I were to move into a house where we were to have chickens and a duck that we would call Soup. I've been thinking about him more than I'd like to lately. I guess I think about love and being in it and wondering if I ever was or if I'm capable of loving. I feel so skewed lately. So while I smile and go about my day, parts of me are wishing for simple things like cooking a meal with someone I cared about, cuddling on the couch, tending to the chickens together, seeing the tree lighting ceremony at The Capitol and other such small things that are taken for granted on a daily basis.
I miss my family too. I hate thinking about not being with them on Christmas. I hate that I'll be in front of this stupid computer that barely works trying to get my webcam to not fuck up long enough so I can actually see Mom and Dad.
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