Master Plan in the Works?

While driving Rupert today, I started to get angry. I started thinking about the person who called me selfish. I thought to myself, "You sad, sick, lonely person." "You have no idea who you are and you're grasping so hard to find out and you might never know because you're too full of hatred to let go enough to learn." Then I thought to myself, I'm none of those things. I know just who I am and it isn't selfish. It's funny how people can bring you down. If I knew then what I know now, I guess I wouldn't be where I am but I could have done without some of the bull shit.

I have had THE best weekend! Yesterday takes the cake though. I got to spend time sunning with Michele who came to town for her birthday. We lay in her front yard (in tiny bathing suits) and caught some rays, caught up with each other and drank some yummy margaritas. It was the perfect Austin, Texas day. I love her. She is my soul sister. She confirms what I already know about myself and makes me feel good about the woman I am and who I am becoming. We both agreed that great things are coming my way and life can only go up from here. No more dead weight!

Tonight yields some more fun. Not dancing fun though! I've been taking it easy on my leg so I can start training for the run I'm doing with some friends in October. Tonight should be one for the record books, we'll see.

There's a plan in motion, I just can't see the whole picture just yet. I think soon all the pieces will come together and I'll be like, "OHHHHH.....right.....PERFECT!"

Reflection

A few short words today.

"You are what you do when it counts."

Try to fit that in to your life somewhere and learn from it.

I'll be busy reflecting.

Owning Up

It's amazing what people will do to get what they want.

I'm laying here looking at old pictures of Axl and I'm longing to own him again. I must have that damn scooter back. I must. I said I'd never ever sell that damn bike and what did I do? I sold that damn bike. I've said I'd never do a lot of things, most of which I can't name here but I went and did them anyways. So really, is there nothing I won't do? It makes me wonder what my boundaries are and how far I'd really go to get what I want.

I have regrets about a lot of it but I'm where I'm at because of some of the choices I've made. I always look at it that way and smile. What ever choice I make, it is mine to own and live with forever.

Back to Soaring

It has been a few days since I've spoken to Stephen at all. I don't anticipate that we'll speak again. Maybe somewhere down the line we'll cross paths but I'm not so sure of that either. It's painful when I think about our entire relationship. There were so many ups and downs and lack of communication. I really thought maybe we could work it out but I just can't take someone who flops like a fish and lives in the past when we were trying to work out a future.

The thing that sticks in my head the most is that he called me selfish. ME. Selfish. Right. Just because he wasn't getting what HE wanted from me made ME selfish. I stick by my word that I'm not going to use any foul words or take jabs at him. He's said more mean things to me (and I've a bunch I'd like to say to him) but it is counterproductive. It's not worth worrying about. He'll find a new girlfriend and I'll find new men that I am interested in.

I honestly have been feeling better since I decided we wouldn't speak any more. No more texts, no more e-mails. I feel as if a weight has been lifted and I'm back to soaring like the eagle I am. No one is going to hold me down or keep me from the life that I truly want to live. No one.

Very Strange Dream

Somehow I ended up in New York City. I was walking the streets asking where to go but nobody could help me. At one point I was crossing a bridge but the water was so high that I ended up walking in the murky, black water. I was also on my cell phone talking to Elizabeth Forel about being lost in NYC and something about wanting to see these carriage horses she was protesting against. The line became disconnected and I never bothered to call her back. I remember it being 2 in the Afternoon and I was shocked she was home from work. I got on a bus where the driver was wearing a fuzzy fur hat (I think). I whispered to him that I wanted to get to Central Park. There was also an exchange with a cute boy sitting behind me on the bus but I can't remember what was said. The bus circled around as the driver told me I had the wrong bus and while the bus was moving, I grabbed a pole outside the bus door and twirled off the bus very gracefully. The driver said something about how fancy I was and took the bus left. I FB updated my status to say, "I'm in NYC and no one knows where Central Park is."

I eventually ended up in a tunnel with an old friend Ryan Fojo. He guided me through the tunnels and showed me a drawing of NYC on a chalkboard. There was a square that he moved on the board to the far upper right hand corner of the board and said, "This is where you need to be." The opening of the tunnel was similar to that of the one at Oak Street Beach where all of a sudden you can see the tall buildings and it is really pretty. Except this seemed to be the Upper East Side of NYC where the buildings are all residential and they meet the park. I wouldn't know for sure as I've never seen that part of NYC. I became excited and saw a line of carriage horses. I approached one girl with very red hair and a white horse who had the body shape of Dante, an old horse in Chicago. The girl was crazy. She was eating waffle fries with ketchup and was talking so fast about how, and I'm going to ramble here and make no sense as she didn't make sense in my dream, "I spent money so he could eat and then they couldn't eat and then the next day I had money so I ate and I never should have picked up the phone." She had a metal push cart with several white pigeons who looked like big ducks but they were pigeons. She was tossing (and missing the cart) waffle fries. I kept picking them up and putting them on the cart for the birds to eat. She started walking her horse and carriage by hand when in front of us, the other carriages were headed up a steep hill. They were being told to do so by the police. The girl said, "This must be political." I said something to her about how the hill was so steep and the carriage was too heavy for the horse to pull up the hill. I remember seeing the carriage in front of her nearly tipping and the horse struggling to pull it up the hill. It was a Landau carriage. White with lots of glass windows.

WTF??

Grrrrrr.

I've little motivation lately.

I want to sleep. I know it isn't normal for one person to be able to sleep for 24 hours but sometimes I feel like I could. I have a long overdue doctors appointment on Monday. I'm not looking forward to getting poked with needles but I know they need to run blood work. I'm worried that with all the exhaustion, dizzy spells, collapsing and low blood pressure, something is really wrong. On top of all that, my sinuses continue to kill me and my shin splints are trying hard to make sure I never dance again.


The fun continues.

Slowing (Today ONLY).

I finally slowed down today. It is day 5 of my long weekend off and I really needed to get some laundry done. I have been putting off any chores or regular day to day stuff to indulge in pleasure and fun. I need pleasure and fun. I deserve pleasure and fun. I had LOTS of pleasure and fun the last several days.

Don't read this wrong, I have lots of fun but it tends to be the same ol' same ol' all the time. It was nice to spend a weekend off IN AUSTIN. I did get a little sad a few times but it passed. I haven't really allowed myself to sit still much since last week. Sometimes idle is good, in this case, not so much. I did different things this weekend but I also held true to what makes me most happy. Dancing.

I found myself sticky, sweaty on many different dance floors this weekend. Ginny's, Gruene Hall, Waterloo Ice House, Continental Club and tonight, Broken Spoke. I'm really happy I have something I enjoy so much. Dancing really is a release for me. I feel pretty when I twirl my skirt. I haven't been feeling very pretty for a while. That's gotta change.

Today as I said, I'm doing my laundry. I also washed Keeper. She really smelled foul. I'm also going to go shoot guns with a co-worker in a few hours. All of these things are good for me. Maybe in time I can slow down but right now my brain needs to keep moving.

I'm thankful for the people in my life even if I only ever get to talk to them in text messages because they're 1,000's of miles away. I'm equally as grateful to work with a great team of people. Yesterday, 10 of us floated The Guadalupe River with coolers of beer and mucho SPF 50. I managed to drink just enough to be sober by the time the float was done AND keep enough sun screen on to only get a slight red tint to my skin.