Only 3 more shifts until I'm in 80 degree weather.....or 4 days, however you look at it, I'm excited. Even though I know there's excitement right around the corner I'm still kind of meh. It comes and goes really and certain things trigger it. Of course when people at work ask how "my man is" that doesn't help. I was pretty sure word got around that I was broken up with by phone and not given a reason. Hmmm. But yeah, it came as a shock and if looks could kill, the person who asked would have been dead (but NOT by me funny enough.)

I guess I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. Ha! At the end of the day, I find myself mostly ok and in a decent frame of mind. Yeah, that's what I do. I cope.

Kickin' On

So I just got done playing my couple hours of Warcraft and I really should get to bed. I can't help but think how truly lucky I am to have such a committed group of friends who always have my back. Any time I've had issues whether they be with my job or with other aspects of my life, they are there championing me to "kick on" like I always do.

I'm a hell of a survivor and a fuck of a fighter. I'll always do what's right or at least try. No one is perfect, least of all me. I just want my friends to know how much I truly appreciate them and some of them I even would go as far to say that I love them. Love has always been a pretty sacred word for me and is reserved for only those who really truly have earned it. I guess when I say I love someone, it's a feeling that I'm always going to have in one way or another. I mean, I may say, "I LOVE THAT!" But really it might not be LOVE, LOVE. It's most likely a strong like. Love is a tough emotion and should only be used for those deserving of such emotion.

So a big thanks to all who have checked in on me over the last week, offered to bring me food, encouraged me to go out, dressed me and FORCED me to go out, offered to bring me coffee on my busy work shifts, shared cake with me, spent time with me, challenged me to think beyond where I was allowing myself to think and so on. Your concern for my heart and well being means so very much to me. I love you guys.

Put To The Test

Ok, so I kind of feel like I'm getting better. The heart is still longing for him but my head is now starting to ask questions. I'm starting to see that there are gaps in his stories and maybe it is better that we're separate. I'm wishing him so much luck because I know there is something really big plaguing his life right now. I guess it's better he put me on a train in my sleep so when I wake, him and his problem(s) are far behind me. Ok, that was cheesy and I'm trying so hard to truly feel lucky.

I've been doing my best to keep my head busy. I've been reconnecting with the past a little and spent a really nice evening with Brad, my old high school boyfriend. We had so much fun together but a history, none the less. He still found himself apologizing over a delicious "flat" pizza and yummy house salad about the past. I have always been pretty easy to forgive someone who has wronged me but it takes a long time depending on the crime. Brad and I talked about our current situations and his is somewhat similar to mine.....I can't go in to all the details here since I DO keep some of my life private.

Brad played his guitar for me most of the night and shared his new music too. He was the only person to ever write a song for me. He played both songs and one of them made me tear up really bad. It feels good to know that the way that I am and the way that I live my life has a positive effect on people. It means a lot to know that even after all these years, Brad still cares a lot for me. It's so important in life to have people you can turn to. People, regardless of how long it has been since you've seen them, can still look to for guidance and reassurance. I've never had much of a problem being strong but this last week has been a true test of my abilities.

Still "Meh" and Counting the Days Until I Go To Austin

Seriously. I'm counting the days until I leave for Austin. I can't frickin' wait! I'm just getting in from an overnight shift at the hospital and really need to get to sleep so I can be back in 11 hours. I've been thinking about asking for a different schedule but I'm afraid I'm going to miss something on a day that I would have normally had off. Ugh.

Last night was so low key. I enjoyed the shift last night. It was quiet and I did a lot of reading about various disease processes and other shit that I need to learn to be better at my job. The crew and I did share some laughs tonight and it felt good. Dylan is always good at getting a laugh out of the team. We joked about corn snakes, hotties and "stool hoarding." I love my job.

Of course I can't help but still feel meh about all that's happened in the past week. At least it has almost been a full week. I talked to Aubrey about it a lot and told her more about the WHOLE story than I've told anyone. We both still don't understand what went wrong. There are so many holes and contradictions to what he said and did or didn't say or do. I think I'm going to be left to wonder. It's not getting easier but when I'm busy, I think about it a lot less. I need to surround myself with people that make me smile and laugh. I think on second thought, I WILL go to breakfast with the CVES Drs and a special guest who I miss oh so much!

One of These Days

I'm trying so hard to find happiness anywhere I can. And while I'm smiling and laughing with Friends and family, I'm still so sad. Today I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo with my cousin Ashley and her boyfriend Mike. I couldn't help but think of the time Derek and I went there. He held my hand and was so attentive. He made me feel so special when we were together. I think of the way he introduced me to his friends and seemed so proud. I am so sick of being heart broken but today is so much like yesterday and the day before. I can't shake it. I haven't seen him in over a week and haven't heard from him since Sunday early Evening when he texted me some lame shit about how my job was going.

I keep bursting in to tears and beating myself up thinking that he met someone else. I have a strong suspicion he did. I know in my heart that I'm the best though no matter what he chooses. I'm going to visit Austin and if I like it, I'm seriously going to consider moving there this year. I'm going to work my ass off all Summer to save up some cash and move my life. I wanted to do it before I met Derek and decided I'd stick around for a while to see where things went.

I'm most bothered by the way he used to talk about our relationship. He talked about how I was the girl he was going to marry and how he was so in love with me. It scared me a little bit but I liked him a lot at that point that I was ok with it. I talked a little bit about it sometimes when he brought it up but never brought it up first. Marriage is a life long commitment and I hope to only do it once right. There will be no multiple marriages for me. I'm 30 and at this point nowhere near marriage or even love with anyone right now. I'm simmering in my sadness and anger towards him and I wish the days would make the hurt go away faster. Thus far time isn't healing any of my wounds. Perhaps rum from a flask, motorcycles, warm weather and laying in green grass with an "old" friend will help me heal. When I come back from Austin I plan on being a new woman.

Running Away

It's kind of funny because I saw a decline in my blogging when I met Derek. I find I blog less when I'm very happy. I guess that would be why I'm blogging so much now. I'm a complete mess. I'm so heart broken still and I don't know how to make it go away. I have supportive, amazing friends that love me for all that I am including my quirks. Again, I embrace my imbalances or whatever I chose to call them on any given day and remain true to myself.

I'm shocked at how sad I continue to be even though it has only been a few days. I really cared for him. My whole heart was in love with him which is why I guess I'm so hurty still. I'm doing everything I can to occupy myself and stay busy but even in all my chores and errands, I find myself hurting and thinking about Derek. Fuck, I drive past that stupid computer store on Elston and I think of him. I hear a song like "Mr. Roboto" and remember the dance he did in his boxers and how that image would be forever burned in my mind. I found a video of a song he sang to me the other day and it made me cry even though it was meant to be silly. I'm having such a a hard time letting this go. I feel like I know him well enough to know that there is something terribly wrong with him right now.

How do you just stop loving someone?? How do you turn it off so easily? Cha Cha told me it's because he really does care for me. I'm having a hard time with that theory. In an effort to cope, I bought a plane ticket to see Cha Cha in Austin in 11 days rather than go to the WKRP rally. I know I was really looking forward to it but I'm so down and out I don't even care about riding my scooter much. My scooter was the last thing that Derek and I argued about and since then I just feel shitty about riding. Plus Durso can't go and while that rally is a blast, it wouldn't be the same without my best friend.

I figured running away at this point would be healthy. Maybe not in my pocket books best interest but I was saving that money for mine and Derek's trip to Germany in October so why not spend it? I'm looking forward to seeing Austin by two wheeled vehicle and joining Chad on this adventures! With luck, by then I'll be a bit less sad. I am ready to take a few pills and be over the whole fucking thing.

I Like Pushing My Scooter Home and Other Lies

In an effort to heal my heart (or at least forget that I have one and that it's hurting like hell) I have been trying to stay at work as much as possible. I got to work at 6 P.M Saturday night for my 1st yearly review and stayed until 8:30 A.M. Sunday morning. I returned to work at 6 P.M tonight and worked until about 1 A.M. I think that it's safe to say I'm really hurting.

I tried to work the pain away and I guess I'm doing an ok job. I'm so sad though. Completely and totally let down, disappointed and angry. I still want reasons. I KNOW it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my word that I was honest and kind in every way. There's something bigger going on that he's not telling me. His past stories have holes that I could have fallen in to. Never mind all that, I'm still hurty.

I've been looking at the missed connection ads thinking maybe someone would have posted something there about me. I have NO idea why I'm so dreamy about all that. It's simple and kind of stupid. I read a few and wished someone was saying such nice things to me. I can't help but get teary eyed still. I think of our last night together and the last time I kissed his lips and the last time I pet his cat and the last time I let myself out of his house not knowing it would have been the last time.

I'm ready for all this hurt to go away. Of course, adding insult to injury, I pushed my small frame home about the same distance I pushed it Monday night except tonight the fucker WASN'T running. Note to self, I'll never push a running bike home ever again. I know that wasn't the demise of mine and D-bag's relationship. He's a confused man with so much to figure out. I pray for him that he finds it. He has much to offer.

Blindsided and Smelling Like Horses

I know it's best to move on with things but my heart is hurting so badly. I was completely blindsided last night. Talk about never underestimating the unexpected.

Last night I found myself being drug from my bed by my BFF MD and made to get dressed. I hadn't eaten all day, I hadn't showered either. I was really quite a mess. Regardless, he made me leave the house and I ate mashed potatoes, veggie chili and some mushrooms with buffalo sauce. We went to Lucky Gator Loft to see the reunion of No Empathy which was really pretty cool. Of course, upon entering the show, I ran in to Nikki and her boyfriend Chris. Derek introduced us many months ago so seeing her was a painful reminded especially when she asked where my man was. I told her I wouldn't know since he broke up with me BY PHONE 3 hours earlier. The look of shock on her face was worth a picture. She was like, "Shut up!" "No way!" Yeah, I was equally as shocked. "But you're the only girl he's ever brought around and shown off." "When he looks at you, he lights up." Hearing those things almost brought me to tears so I asked her to stop talking. She gave me an Old Style and then I saw Matt Plate and Kenneth so I went over and said hey.

No Empathy was good. I haven't seen them since high school. I ended up getting sick to my stomach and asked Durso if we could leave. Without missing a beat he grabbed my shit and we were out the door. We got back to my place and I crawled into bed where I continued to cry some more. Durso is good at saying the right thing all the time. Not because he's "just saying it" either. He really knows how to talk to me. I appreciate having such an awesome friend in my life. He also reminded me of my past and how I really should get in touch with things that I enjoy such as horse back riding. Just 45 minutes from here are 3 horses that I am welcome to ride at any time. I need to get back in to riding. Horses really keep me sane. Fuck, I want to clean stalls at this point. Durso said he missed the days when I smelled of horse. I agreed with him. Me too, buddy, me too.

My Biggest Disappointment

Pain, anger, confusion, anxiety, tension, angsty, frustrated, disappointed, heart broken, half-dead.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty bad. I'm beside myself and more disappointed than I've felt in a long time. My heart has been stepped on and is so black and blue that not even duct tape could begin to fix it. How does someone just STOP loving you? How do people turn their emotions on and off so freely? I don't know how to be that way.

I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks and I'm really not looking forward to my 1 year review tomorrow where I'll be forced to put on a happy face and pretend I'm ok. I'm so far from OK, I'm afraid of myself right now.

Getting in Touch with the Past, Even the Ugly Parts

I'm not sure why but I got nosey and was looking at some old friend's myspace.com profiles. I couldn't help but wonder how they are and what they're doing with their lives'. I was reading a blog that one of them wrote and it ended up being about a Lucero song which was funny because I made her listen to that God damn CD SO MANY TIMES that maybe I'm the reason she liked it after all. The song is called "I Can Get Us Out Of Here Tonight." It is one of the best songs on the album and I can see why she'd like it so much. At that point I was feeling a bit emotional, a bit weak so I made a comment about how "Cass" is a better song, at least IMO.

I wasn't expecting a response from her but I got one. It was very friendly and somewhat apologetic about our past history. She admitted to me how much she lied but didn't go in to detail on what exactly. I mean I KNEW she had lied to me and to a lot of other people. I can't stand someone who will lie to friends. Lying to others, now that I get, but to those you consider your closest friends, I'll never understand that. I think she's a smart girl and for the first time in a really long time, I wish her a lot of luck in her life. I held on to a lot of hurt and anger for a long time but for some reason I let that go. I'm not trying to become BFFs with her again because I'm not sure I'll ever completely trust her but I'd like to hear her truths.

Life really is short and lately I feel like it is just blowing by. I almost feel like I'm wasting it. I'm bored and feeling completely unchallenged. I think I'm going to take a few classes. I haven't decided what just yet but I'd like to do something where I could be active yet learn something. Maybe I'll have to take two classes, German, which I'll need for mine and Derek's October trip AND maybe a sport where I'll meet some new friends. We'll see.

Maybe I Do Want Simple Things

So as planned, Durso came over and got the smallie running in record time! I couldn't be more pleased. I remembered how to love commuting anywhere and everywhere! So much of that is lost in a car. I have been truly blessed, however, to have a car that I can use whenever I want. I could never repay Katherine for that luxury. Of course we've always had one of those "I'd do anything I can for you or our horses" friendship. I think that's why we did so well together in business. I worked for her, Leila and Tru and she worked for Me, Tru and Leila. It didn't matter who did it as long as it got done and everyone was happy at the end of the day.

Anyways, back to the smallie. Ollie, Oliver, Ollie the Smallie or GrmblX2, no matter what you call "him" is a 1980 100 Sport Vespa. It has been kitted to a 135 and flies like the wind. I bought the bike from my friend SiD, who in turn, got it as a payment from Patrick. When SiD's girlfriend at the time decided she didn't want it, he opted to sell it. I wanted it so badly even though I had my other Vespa, a P200e from 1979. Of course I didn't have all the $$ up front so SiD agreed to let me make payments on the bike. That's where my problems began. The fucking thing NEVER ran well until right before the KDSC rally last year, a YEAR after buying the bike. Luck for me, Durso is an awesome small frame mechanic and got everything worked out. I'll tell you what, that fucking scooter is so lucky I liked it so much or it would have been in the Humbolt Park Lagoon on one of the many nights I pushed it home.

It's funny because I'd never admit to even liking Ollie until after the 6 hour ride to and from KDSC's rally last year. Before that, "Axl Rose" the P2oo was my favorite. I've been thinking of selling one of them to fund mine and Derek's trip to Ireland and Germany in October but I just don't have the heart. I love my bikes so much and the only place I'm happier is when I'm with Tru. So my perfect world would involve lots of Tru and lots of scooter riding. It seems so simple. Maybe I am.

Two Wheeled Anticipation!!

I really should be getting to sleep considering I have to be back to work in 12 hours. I'm just so God damn excited at the thought of going to work on two wheels tomorrow. While I may end up driving the car, there is a 50% chance that Durso will have my little green small frame up and running in time for me to ride to work!

I realize that I've been in a somewhat foul mood on and off all Winter long and I really think I'm just in serious scooter withdraw. I mean that and I miss the hell out of my scooter friends as I've been saying for some time. With WKRP right around the corner, I'm anxious to see if I have a running scooter. If for some reason I do not, I think Derek and I will go visit his momma in Central Illinois for the weekend since I have the whole weekend off anyways! Either way will be a win/win situation. I really enjoy Derek's family and their home in the middle of nowhere. I especially love shooting the gun in the back woods and playing with the 4 dogs, one of which is a JRT! The only way to make the trip better would be if my dogs could join us!

I think my Tylenol P.M. is starting work. Good Night!

Economic Crisis Hitting Close to Home?

I realize that the last 5 months have been pretty lazy but I suppose that's what happens in the Winter time and when you meet a new guy! Winter is awesome for long days in bed with a new someone special! *wink*

I went to Club Foot tonight since I haven't been in months (at least not on our regular "scooter" Tuesdays). It was awesome to see a few friends I haven't seen in a while. It also made me realize that my heart is aching for things to get back to how they were. I miss riding so much and I miss the warm nights of Summer where we'd ride just to ride. I know that soon this weather will pass and we'll ride a bunch.

It looks like the economic crisis is hitting our hospital too. With luck I won't lose my job and will get some relief tech shifts at PAWS in the upcoming weeks. I should be able to start there with minimal training since I volunteer with PACT once a month. The pace is fast and the pay is decent. The next two weeks I don't work overnight either! I'm SO excited! It'll be a nice change of pace at least for a while. I was thinking of asking to be cut from overnights all together again but I don't know how that will go over with the management. The last 3 Wednesday overnights have been DEAD quiet. Kind of sucky and a telltale sign of the times.

Ok, time for bed.

Anger Doesn't Look Good on Me but Hey, Sometimes You Gotta Look Bad, Right?

I wish I could be a vigilante. I have some justice that needs to be served. The rules are as such:

1. You shall never hurt my family (mom or dad)
2. Never fuck with my animals and expect to live to see tomorrow
3. Front with my friends/boyfriend anticipate Scorpio rage.

Someone broke one of these rules yesterday and if it were legal, I'd be plotting a very detailed, exacting revenge. But since this isn't the movies, I'll have to figure out some other way to battle. I promise that someday, somehow you'll know exactly how the animal/human you hurt felt as you took advantage of their condition.

Tools I'd use to enact my revenge (all found in a vet hospital):

1. 3-O Chromic Gut suture material with reverse cutting needle
2. 15 scalpel blade
3. Long solution sets
4. Dry Ice
5. Various mosquito hemostats
6. Various size needles ranging from tiny (25) to big (16)

Ok. I'm done ranting now. I've just had a really, really long, rough day. Luckily, everyone is going to be ok. Only a little blood was shed and wounds will heal with TLC, duct tape and zip-ties. So yeah...I'd never truly hurt someone physically unless they initiated it. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there for my loved one who was hurt and taken advantage of.

History in the Making?

Everyone I know has been sick like once or twice in the past two months! I was beginning to think I was the exception until I woke up fairly ill on Tuesday. Derek and I ripped it up until at least 6 A.M. at the bar and didn't go to bed until 9 A.M. but that's pretty standard for us. Truth be told, I am getting kinda sick of the vampire schedule and feel like my body would benefit from some fresh air and sunlight.

Fresh air and sunlight are what brought me to consciousness today. That and my snotty, sneezy nose! Anyways, I've slept quite a bit the past few days and have been taking lots of Zicam nose gel stuff and Tylenol Cold products (God bless the P.M stuff!) I have trouble sleeping normal hours so every so often I'll force myself to sleep with various OTC sleepy time meds. Melatonin is by far the best product out there and the vibrant dreams would make you think you're trippin' balls even though you're not! It's totally worth the scary cat dreams too!

I took the girls for a car ride today. They LOVE being in the car. We went to Walgreen's and Subway. Nothing too exciting but they don't know the difference! Last night we celebrated Derek's birthday. I'm quite impressed with the number of folks who came out until the wee hours of the night! I didn't drink much since I am trying to keep my immunity up and shake this minor head cold. Derek, however, put em' away. Shit. Let's just say when it comes to drinking, he's an Olympic level athlete. I don't like "binge drinking" much but on one's birthday, I expect nothing less so I was a very tolerant, patient girlfriend. I mean, why wouldn't I be, he is fucking awesome!!

I was pretty sure I was never going to have a BF again until I met him one night at his place of employment. Mind you, I've been frequenting this place for the past year since they host Monday "Bike Night." My scooter crew and I used to go every Monday and every Monday he'd card me! "I'm 30," I'd say. "I still have to card you." Sigh. Our relationship didn't take off until one late October night when I was waiting for a friend. It was literally just the bartender, Derek and I sitting there. I hate being in bars alone. So I looked over to Derek and struck up a conversation. "What's the Hawaiian word for porch," he said. I responded with, "I have no clue but my friend Kevin will know, he's from Hawaii!" That's when scooter Katherine walked in and said, "Lanai." And that is how Derek and I met. From there, we talked on and off all night. But when it came to it, we both failed at getting each other's phone numbers! I thought about him all week long and even told Darren and Grant about my new "prospect."

We were bowling at Fireside that night when I told them and I was slightly drunk. I decided it would be a great idea to go to where Derek worked and make him mine! We rode up and much to my disappointment, he wasn't there. So we had a few PBR's. That's when it happened, he walked though the door and noticed me almost instantly and said, "Millie, oh my God, I totally wanted your number but chickened out." My first thought was, "Holy shit, this guy remembered my name." My second thought was, "OMFG he's even cuter than I remember!" At this point, Darren had gone home but Grant, the trooper that he is, hung with me. Derek was like, "Uh, is this your boyfriend?" He was referring to Grant.....I LOL'ed and said, "NO!" That's when, like clockwork, Grant chimed in and was like, "Cut to the chase dude, she clearly has a thing for you and you should just make your move already!" Talk about embarrassing moments in history, that was one of them. Shortly there after, we shared our first kiss in a dark corner of the bar. The rest seems to be history in the making. Every bit of time we spend together is awesome. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. He compliments my personality perfectly and I'm so excited to see what the future holds for us!!

Embracing My Passion for the ER

Holy crap. The last two days have been an absolute whirlwind of piss, shit, vomit, blood and anal glands. Seriously though, I love my job!

Tonight I realized how happy one can be work. I had once thought that about driving the horse but I'm pretty sure that was a false happiness. Talk about deceptive cases! Nothing was as it seemed tonight. All I know is that a few of our cases really freaked me out (and that's pretty hard to do after a year of being in the ER). It's easy to become hardened and "detached" from what's going on around you but sometimes you get an eye opener and realize that you ARE making a difference. You ARE doing an honorable job for shitty pay and even shittier hours. The look in one owner's eyes confirmed that for me.

Saturdays have been fairly slow the last few weeks but yesterday was the exception. Just at 3 was sneaking up and all the teams were leaving for the night, shit hit the fan (NOT literally). I had decided to punch out and let my phone charge for a few before heading out. After all, I did have to be back at 4 P.M.! Weeeeellll upon putting my vest on and saying goodbye to everyone, I saw the distress in the eyes of the overnight crew. I knew that I couldn't leave them alone to deal with a whole hospital of very critical patients in the ICU and deal with the large amount of walk in traffic too. It also helps that not only do I WANT to help animals, 4 of my favorite people were working and I'd do just about anything to help them out.

I ended up working a 12 hour overnight shift only to have to be back to work my shift in the ICU at 4. Needless to say, I drank a lot of coffee and was 10 minutes early for my shift. Being an overachiever is tough sometimes *wink*

I think one of the most exciting things about my job is that a year ago I knew little to nothing about working in a veterinary hospital. There is so much you have to take in to account when treating the patients. Little things like no IV Famotadine in cats or dextrose can never go SQ. But those "little" things can mean life or death. It's incredible how far I've come and how much respect I've earned from my peers and the doctors I work for. For the first time in a long time I'm not surrounded by the "crazies" of my former job. That girl is right when she says there's a bit of crazy that follows the industry around. I guess that's why I never quite fit in and why I am where I am now. I could just be acting pompous....oh wait....I'm just being ME.