Austin continues to be a bit like heaven here on Earth. I'm greeting each day with energy and excitement. I look forward to working, I look forward to being off work and having fun too! I have been thinking about the future a lot lately and I really think I want to settle down. Wait, wait....not settle down with someone but settle down here in Austin. I need to start saving money, which I have been trying to do and think about buying a house and a car. As much as I don't want to take on a car payment, I need a car. I'm going to pay out the ass for it too. I fucked myself royally in my 20's and will forever have a hard time with credit thanks to my lack of concern for the future then.
I am selling Tru. I've placed an ad and made it official. It breaks my heart in an epic way but I can't keep up paying her bills. She deserves to be used and enjoyed. If you are ambitious enough and want to go searching equine.com for her ad, feel free. I feel yucky.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Love, THE Most Over-Used Word
What a wonderful few days. I met a new guy who's turning out to be super fun and unexpected as I may have mentioned in earlier blogs. We met right when I moved to Austin but never quite met up. Every so often we'd send each other text messages asking how each other were doing but never quite had the time to meet. Finally, last week, we met at a bar up North. We talked and enjoyed each other's company for a while before I asked him if he wanted to go to Ginny's. The catch was, he doesn't have a car and all I have, of course, is Ollie. One criteria I've judged guys on is if they'll ride on the back of my scooter. That by no means is a great way to judge someones character but I do take note.
So it turns out that we've since spent more time together. I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not but it turns out he is. Don't get me wrong, he's not my boyfriend. I'm having a bit of a hard time allowing that to happen again. Before Derek, I hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time. The problem now is that my heart is still hurt from my break up and I want nothing more than to be able to trust this new guy but my head is like, "No, no, no, no, no." Granted, he's done nothing wrong or anything to make me think he's going to be bad to me, but neither did Derek. I wish that mother fucker knows how badly I was hurt by his actions. I had NO idea I could hurt that deeply or love that deeply either. So here I lay, on my air mattress, worrying. I know that nothing has to be decided today or anytime soon, but I fear allowing a new guy into my life. My feelings don't flip at the switch of a light like Derek's did and I'll stand by and say I was true with my whole heart. The things I shared with him were real and I did NOT deserve the way he treated me.
On another rant, I'm so sick of peoples over-use of the word LOVE. Granted, I'll say, "I LOVE that or I LOVE this" but to truly love, that is a scary experience. To allow your heart to be completely free of any fear and love is an amazing experience. The only problem is, when there are such strong feelings of love, there can also be strong repercussions when it goes away. My issue is, I don't know how to "fall out of love." If I tell you I love you, I love you. End of story. Chad said, "But you love all your scooter friends." Again, I have some really strong feelings for a lot of them but very few, if any, do I LOVE. It's such a hard emotion to deal with and maybe I'm obsessing over it a bit much. I should go back to sleep for a while so I can wake up later and wash Grace and mop our floors.
So it turns out that we've since spent more time together. I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not but it turns out he is. Don't get me wrong, he's not my boyfriend. I'm having a bit of a hard time allowing that to happen again. Before Derek, I hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time. The problem now is that my heart is still hurt from my break up and I want nothing more than to be able to trust this new guy but my head is like, "No, no, no, no, no." Granted, he's done nothing wrong or anything to make me think he's going to be bad to me, but neither did Derek. I wish that mother fucker knows how badly I was hurt by his actions. I had NO idea I could hurt that deeply or love that deeply either. So here I lay, on my air mattress, worrying. I know that nothing has to be decided today or anytime soon, but I fear allowing a new guy into my life. My feelings don't flip at the switch of a light like Derek's did and I'll stand by and say I was true with my whole heart. The things I shared with him were real and I did NOT deserve the way he treated me.
On another rant, I'm so sick of peoples over-use of the word LOVE. Granted, I'll say, "I LOVE that or I LOVE this" but to truly love, that is a scary experience. To allow your heart to be completely free of any fear and love is an amazing experience. The only problem is, when there are such strong feelings of love, there can also be strong repercussions when it goes away. My issue is, I don't know how to "fall out of love." If I tell you I love you, I love you. End of story. Chad said, "But you love all your scooter friends." Again, I have some really strong feelings for a lot of them but very few, if any, do I LOVE. It's such a hard emotion to deal with and maybe I'm obsessing over it a bit much. I should go back to sleep for a while so I can wake up later and wash Grace and mop our floors.
Friday, July 10, 2009
My Passionate Heart
So I asked Ronny what he liked most about himself not fully knowing how I'd answer it if he asked me in return. He said his artistic ability. I thought to myself, "I don't really have that." I mean, I can't draw, I can't paint and sometimes I question if I can even write. I told him I'd ponder it a bit and blog about it when I had some idea.
I tried to explain to him that I am all or nothing most of the time. I'm fueled by passion. I think my ability to reinvent myself is my favorite thing. To me, reinvention can manifest itself in many different ways. I'm struggling for the words really. Jerry once said, "Milwork, your ability to come back stronger than before after being kicked down has always amazed me about you." It was funny coming from him since he was one of the biggest downfalls in my 20's. Jesus Christ, what was I thinking that I let a scummy fuck like him put me in such a bad position? Maybe I can say what I don't like.....my heart. While it doesn't love a whole lot, it's so honest and forthcoming. I tend to allow myself to get too excited about new people. I just can't deny the way I feel. It's such a rarity to be completely intrigued and super excited about getting to know someone new.
More to come, I must close my eyes and allow myself to sleep. Anticipation is killing me!
I tried to explain to him that I am all or nothing most of the time. I'm fueled by passion. I think my ability to reinvent myself is my favorite thing. To me, reinvention can manifest itself in many different ways. I'm struggling for the words really. Jerry once said, "Milwork, your ability to come back stronger than before after being kicked down has always amazed me about you." It was funny coming from him since he was one of the biggest downfalls in my 20's. Jesus Christ, what was I thinking that I let a scummy fuck like him put me in such a bad position? Maybe I can say what I don't like.....my heart. While it doesn't love a whole lot, it's so honest and forthcoming. I tend to allow myself to get too excited about new people. I just can't deny the way I feel. It's such a rarity to be completely intrigued and super excited about getting to know someone new.
More to come, I must close my eyes and allow myself to sleep. Anticipation is killing me!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
River Junkie
My five days off have come to an end and I went back to work tonight. I'm laying here in bed hoping that writing in my blog will make me fall asleep sooner. I MUST wake up tomorrow and do laundry, buy two-stroke oil and try to figure out what the fuck is going on with my scooter.
The five days off turned out to be rather interesting. I met a couple of people who I really enjoy spending time with, one is completely unexpected the other is rather exciting. Both boys. Gosh, I'm quite boy crazy, aren't I? Anyways, I've spent a few really interesting nights on Lamar Street bridge and IN what I think is The Colorado River. I'm not 100% sure what it is called.
Last night, after hanging with a new friend, I met up with the other new friend and we went swimming for the second time that day. It was about 3 in the morning this time so we pretty much just went in our underwear. It was really fun and I'm so in love with Austin. My spirit is feeling more free and revived that it has in so long. I kept saying back in Chicago, "I'm in a rut." Here in Austin, I want to get off my ass and do stuff. I just hope that excitement never goes away.
It did feel good to get back to work tonight even though it was super slow. I enjoy working with Tree, Laura and Courtney (Heather too but we don't work together a lot). Tree spent some time with me working on my medical math and CRIs. We also did a few of my Treatment Nurse discussions. I need to do at least two of these discussions a week to keep on with my education. Today we talked about Nystagmus and Wounds.
I limped Ollie home. He's not happy and I don't know how to make him happy. I'm sure whatever it is that he needs is going to piss me off. I hate working on my scooter making me by far the worst Vespa owner ever. Maybe the points need to be cleaned like Durso said. I'm sure the carb could use a cleaning too. I have to hike over to the auto parts store (very short hike actually) and get some 2 stroke oil, new plugs and some sandpaper. With luck, that's all it will take.
The five days off turned out to be rather interesting. I met a couple of people who I really enjoy spending time with, one is completely unexpected the other is rather exciting. Both boys. Gosh, I'm quite boy crazy, aren't I? Anyways, I've spent a few really interesting nights on Lamar Street bridge and IN what I think is The Colorado River. I'm not 100% sure what it is called.
Last night, after hanging with a new friend, I met up with the other new friend and we went swimming for the second time that day. It was about 3 in the morning this time so we pretty much just went in our underwear. It was really fun and I'm so in love with Austin. My spirit is feeling more free and revived that it has in so long. I kept saying back in Chicago, "I'm in a rut." Here in Austin, I want to get off my ass and do stuff. I just hope that excitement never goes away.
It did feel good to get back to work tonight even though it was super slow. I enjoy working with Tree, Laura and Courtney (Heather too but we don't work together a lot). Tree spent some time with me working on my medical math and CRIs. We also did a few of my Treatment Nurse discussions. I need to do at least two of these discussions a week to keep on with my education. Today we talked about Nystagmus and Wounds.
I limped Ollie home. He's not happy and I don't know how to make him happy. I'm sure whatever it is that he needs is going to piss me off. I hate working on my scooter making me by far the worst Vespa owner ever. Maybe the points need to be cleaned like Durso said. I'm sure the carb could use a cleaning too. I have to hike over to the auto parts store (very short hike actually) and get some 2 stroke oil, new plugs and some sandpaper. With luck, that's all it will take.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Endless Summer!?
OMFG, what a fun few days here in Austin. Friday was spent shopping, yes, I said shopping. I got some awesome deals on some super cute dresses! I've never enjoyed shopping much and don't wear many dresses though Friday kind of made me change my mind. Dresses and loose clothing is a must here on these 105 degree days!!
Weekend in review:
Friday, shopping and Ginny's where I looked super fabulous in one of my new dresses. Too bad boys are dumb and can't appreciate the full package. You'd rather do that girl, well.....that's no problem. As Jenny sang, "If you don't wanna kiss me, someone else WILL." Ha! Chad, Caroline and I went to a party that was just getting shut down by the cops as we got there. I was, by that time, in a shitty mood. The ride home proved to be interesting. Long story short, boobs in dress make men say piggish things.
Saturday, woke up and found that dress at Old Navy that I wanted. Colored my hair and met a new friend for lunch at Magnolia before going to Phil's up North in Georgetown. Giant slip n' slide kicked my ass. Kissing on dark country roads in a pick up truck and really beautiful fireworks with a gentleman. Drove home, coughed all night. OH and went topless swimming with Chad and a few neighbors before going to bed!
Sunday, Ginny's with Chad. Drank a considerable amount of rum and beer. Danced and may have finally gotten it down! Mean Eyed Cat with Colleen who I met at TC's the week before to see Lucas who didn't show. Grrrrt. Drank Lonestar and went to Continental Club. Danced my ass off.....everyone was asking me to dance and I felt SO good! Chad says it was the dress and my boobs again but I think it was because I can actually dance and learn new steps pretty quick! Miz. Dana Austin joined us and we kicked it back up to Magnolia where the 3 of us always have an awesome time! We laugh, joke and make total asses out of ourselves. It reminds me of me, Darren and Durso when we're together. It's not the same but it feels good to laugh so hard you nearly pee your pants. I miss D and D (not Dungeons and Dragons).
Today....I think I'm going to skip TC's and see Dale at CC. Dana asked me to go and I miss hanging with her. That and the dancing bug has bitten me hard and I hope to dance all night again. We usually end up at Jackalope around 12 or 1 to end the night with some beers. I predict after hours topless swimming again.
Tomorrow.....Ginny's? Jim Stringer?
Weekend in review:
Friday, shopping and Ginny's where I looked super fabulous in one of my new dresses. Too bad boys are dumb and can't appreciate the full package. You'd rather do that girl, well.....that's no problem. As Jenny sang, "If you don't wanna kiss me, someone else WILL." Ha! Chad, Caroline and I went to a party that was just getting shut down by the cops as we got there. I was, by that time, in a shitty mood. The ride home proved to be interesting. Long story short, boobs in dress make men say piggish things.
Saturday, woke up and found that dress at Old Navy that I wanted. Colored my hair and met a new friend for lunch at Magnolia before going to Phil's up North in Georgetown. Giant slip n' slide kicked my ass. Kissing on dark country roads in a pick up truck and really beautiful fireworks with a gentleman. Drove home, coughed all night. OH and went topless swimming with Chad and a few neighbors before going to bed!
Sunday, Ginny's with Chad. Drank a considerable amount of rum and beer. Danced and may have finally gotten it down! Mean Eyed Cat with Colleen who I met at TC's the week before to see Lucas who didn't show. Grrrrt. Drank Lonestar and went to Continental Club. Danced my ass off.....everyone was asking me to dance and I felt SO good! Chad says it was the dress and my boobs again but I think it was because I can actually dance and learn new steps pretty quick! Miz. Dana Austin joined us and we kicked it back up to Magnolia where the 3 of us always have an awesome time! We laugh, joke and make total asses out of ourselves. It reminds me of me, Darren and Durso when we're together. It's not the same but it feels good to laugh so hard you nearly pee your pants. I miss D and D (not Dungeons and Dragons).
Today....I think I'm going to skip TC's and see Dale at CC. Dana asked me to go and I miss hanging with her. That and the dancing bug has bitten me hard and I hope to dance all night again. We usually end up at Jackalope around 12 or 1 to end the night with some beers. I predict after hours topless swimming again.
Tomorrow.....Ginny's? Jim Stringer?
Friday, July 3, 2009
Weekend?
I've rediscovered the beauty that is the small coffee shop with free wifi. I've never had to go out and search for Internet access as I've always had it in my house. The roomie and I have been pretty lazy about getting something set up so until then, I find myself searching for free wifi.
Bouldin Creek Coffee Shop is an all vegetarian coffee shop with yummy food! I've eaten here 2 times this week! It's fairly close to home on South First Street. It is really close to my favorite, Plovos and Sugar Mama's respectively. Austin is really great. They have two different stores dedicated to just cupcakes. Those who know me well know that cupcakes are one of my favorite food groups.
I'm off for the next five days and really wish I was in Chicago with my friends. While I have "friends" here, I don't feel the connection with them as I do with my peeps back home. I have yet to really trust anyone here and am learning not to get my hopes up that people will be considerate.
Anyways, I'll do my best to give a weekend update when I can. Until then, wooooo!
Bouldin Creek Coffee Shop is an all vegetarian coffee shop with yummy food! I've eaten here 2 times this week! It's fairly close to home on South First Street. It is really close to my favorite, Plovos and Sugar Mama's respectively. Austin is really great. They have two different stores dedicated to just cupcakes. Those who know me well know that cupcakes are one of my favorite food groups.
I'm off for the next five days and really wish I was in Chicago with my friends. While I have "friends" here, I don't feel the connection with them as I do with my peeps back home. I have yet to really trust anyone here and am learning not to get my hopes up that people will be considerate.
Anyways, I'll do my best to give a weekend update when I can. Until then, wooooo!
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