Seasonal Depression

The weather here has been so rainy and icky. I'll tell you what, those who think the weather can't have a negative effect on your moods has no idea what they're talking about. I've only wanted to eat, sleep and work lately. I know I'm excited for Christmas to be over.

I just got off of work and I'm off for the next 5 days for my monthly weekend off. Later today, I will prepare all the food for Saturday and Sunday, mail off one last gift to Dad and see what music is playing later that night. With luck, I'll be able to get some dancing in! Stephen and I are camping at Inks Lake on Saturday and Sunday. I always look forward to spending time with Stephen and the dogs in nature. I'm a bit fearful of the potential cold but we'll live. We did last time when it was in the 30's. This time around we hope to explore the park a little bit more and maybe rent a canoe for a few hours. I've arranged for our typical camping food: Vegan sausages, black bean burgers, hummus on pita, PB and J, Chips, salsa and some other stuff too. I enjoy cooking over the fire! We'll also be packing some margarita mix and tequila! Yeah!

Monday we will come home as Stephen has to work. I'll go dancing at Continental Club with the friendly strangers I dance with every week. Tuesday I will bake for Jim Stringer and his band and for the "Exclusive Fuck You Meat Eaters at Work Vegan Potluck." Yeah, that's a long name but Lana, Laura and I are going to have a veggie feast since our work does nothing for the 10 employees that don't eat meat. It's like, "Here's a veggie tray." Wow, thanks. I'm working on Christmas and I get a fucking veggie tray. Cool.

Otherwise, all is well. Paying my bills, working at a job I love and playing when I can. I wish Stef and I had more time together. We have a trip to Chicago planned for May. I'm anxious to see everyone again. Maybe in March or April I'll come home too. I also need to try to get home for the big July party my parent's have!! Add up them airline miles! Woot!

Blue Christmas?

Sometimes it is really easy to get down in the dumps. I'm not saying I am there but feel like I could be on my way. I try to maintain a pretty positive attitude towards life and the day to day but sometimes it is easy to let the way others are acting bring you down.

Sigh. I don't know where to start. I'm making a better attempt to finish my Treatment Nurse syllabus by my one year anniversary at the EC. I took home my binder and some "train wreck" flow sheets so I could work on getting those checked off. While doing such, I decided to take a break and look up information on DKA and try to learn more about the disease process. It's a pretty tricky one to understand but it is one of the most common critical cases we see. So much must be done to supplement and support these animals it is unreal. Dextrose, KPhos, KCl, insulin CRI and constant blood glucose checks are required to help these patients. Some are getting their glucose checked every 3-4 hours as that is how quickly their condition can change. I'm not really allowed to monitor these cases on my own as I am not a CCN but I do try to help with them when I can.

There are many things Treatment Nurses are not allowed to do but some do anyways. And honestly, I think there are many different levels of TN. While I feel I am a good tech, I know what I know and more importantly, what I don't know. I'm modest and quick to ask questions when I am even a slight bit uncertain. Many have told me that that is one of the things that makes me a great tech. Great is fine but I want to be the best.....I have a long way to go.

I did monitor Parvo ward on Sunday and boy what was I thinking?! There were three cases in there all of which seemed to be doing fairly well. I learned how quickly that can change. One case started to become critical and I brought it to the doctor's attention right away. It turns out my patient needed new antibiotics and a plasma transfusion. I spent most of my shift in isolation. I felt beat up when I left work that night and even cried a little in my car. I felt so down and it really was hard to explain. The doctor overseeing isolation said I did a really good job tonight. He said I am observant and good at communicating. That made me feel awesome. He also said he admired anyone who oversees Parvo as it is pretty intense patient care. These 3 were smaller and easy to clean up after but the bigger pups with Parvo....oy vey! What a bloody, smelly mess they make sometimes.

So overall, I'm doing ok. I hope this blue feeling I have today passes soon. I'm sure it will, it always does. I'm just trying to not be so sensitive to the way others act sometimes. This is especially so when I know it has nothing to do with me or how they feel about me.

The Worst Animal Abuse Case I've Ever Seen

I don't know how I made it through Thanksgiving week at the EC but I did. What a rough 5 days THAT was!

All I can say is I won't stand for animal abuse of any kind. I won't eat their meat and I especially won't stand for deliberate acts of cruelty on animals no matter what species they are. Yesterday pretty much did me in. Just when you think you've seen a lot.......An ACO (Animal Control Officer) rushed into the tx area and demanded help. She could see were were balls to the wall busy but there was something in her tone that demanded attention. Laura rushed out and much to all of our surprise, she and the ACO carried in a Standard Poodle in a garbage bag on a stretcher. Someone had dumped this animal at TLAC sometime in between the ACO's rounds on the street and at the shelter.

Here in Austin, you can drop your dog off (dead, alive or barely alive) anytime day or night. At night, there isn't anyone there so apparently the animals get passed through a one-way door. The ACO on duty swings by through the night to make sure that there aren't any hurt or critical animals and if there are, they bring them to us for treatment or euthanasia depending on how serious they are. All parvo virus cases are euthanized. They never even get a chance. Anyways, the ACO was driving up to the TLAC building to check on the animals and she saw a big black garbage bag. She told us the thought someone just didn't know where to put their deceased animal and left it there. As she went to move it to the correct place, she said the bag moved and made noises. That's when she noticed someone had dumped a half-dead, very sick poodle at the shelter.

To see this was just mind blowing. Honestly, I burst into tears as they pulled the bag off this animal. He/She was covered in large gaping wounds and bruises. We tried to stabilize and give pain meds prior to assessing but it turns out the dog had a broken neck. So there you have it, some asshole took this dog, put it in a bag with very serious injuries and left it to die. I'm not sure what the intention was exactly or how this dog became injured but our guess is a hit by car (HBC) or attack by dog (ABD). Regardless of the person's intentions, their decision for this animal makes them a cold blooded killer in my eyes. How could you put a LIVE animal in a plastic bag with those injuries and leave it on a Sunday night to suffer? Ugh.

It is Important to Give and to be Thankful Year-Round

So here it is, the day before Thanksgiving and I am preparing to go back to work after having a lovely, relaxing five days off of work. I love my job as my readers know but it sure is nice to get some time away! I feel like I may write that after every 5 days I get off (once a month). This blog started with me watching Keeper, my blind Jack Terrier, scooter her butt across my carpet.....she'd still do it if she COULD see I'm sure. Gracie is asleep in her crate and Jarobie is on the kitchen table in fear of the vacuuming I was just doing. All at the 2200 camp is peaceful.

I have clean scrubs to wear for the next few days and cooked a delicious meal for Chad, Stephen, Laura and myself. Chad and Stephen already ate their share and Laura and I will eat ours at work tomorrow. It kind of sucks that my work doesn't provide some kind of meal for the 8 vegetarians on staff like my old hospital did. That is one thing I miss about CVES. The meal consists of garlic mashed potatoes, sauteed asparagus and a veggie loaf, which in my opinion, tastes a lot like stuffing except it holds the shape of a loaf pan. Stephen said the potatoes are the best he has ever had. He must not get out much...LOL. I also made some cupcakes. They're yellow cake with chocolate fudge frosting and rainbow sprinkles. They're pretty rich!

The next 24 hours are going to be a bit stressful with all the running around and preparation I must do to get to Stephen's cousin's house and then to work. I work until 4 A.M this Morning and have to be to his cousin's by 11 or 12 tomorrow and then back to work by 4 P.M. Of course, I am looking forward to it. I'm sad I won't be at The Serviceman's Dinner in Cary, IL, a family tradition since Aunt Susie passed away in October of 2007. The Serviceman's Dinner is something Susie and my Uncle David were/are very passionate about. Our entire family hosts over 100 sailors from Great Lakes Naval Academy in Northern Illinois for a delicious meal, TV and a visit from Santa. We also provide them with cell phones so they can call their families. It's a nice way to spend a day of thanks. Giving is important especially to those who give so much for us (Servicemen or not).

Yeah, so I'm meeting the parents tomorrow. I found a very cute dress to wear to which Stephen says is not necessary. He doesn't get it.....I'm MEETING HIS PARENTS and I'm in love with their son. Yeah, I dropped the L-bomb. I wasn't expecting this but he is right in every way. I'm really anxious for him to meet my friends and family back in Chicago. We're trying to set a date in April or May. With luck, there's a Cubs vs Astros game at Wrigley at the end of May. Jessie James is getting married the last weekend in May and I will be there then so how perfect would it be for the Astros to be there too?!

What else? Uh, well, we went camping this past weekend at Colorado Bend State Park! Talk about a wonderful weekend away. We spent most of Saturday around the fire and Sunday we hiked to Gorman Falls. The dogs really loved it! Keeper rode in a backpack. Some highlights of the trip included seeing a GIANT armadillo at 2 in the Morning when I woke in the frigid night to pee by the tree, the 10 mile gravel road with free range cattle leading in to the park and of course spending hours sitting around the fire drinking beer and margaritas with my honey. It continues to amaze me by how well we get along. He's really something else. We don't bicker or argue. We seem to compliment each other very well thus far. Here is a picture of me, Stephen, Gracie and Keeper at Gorman Falls in Colorado Bend State Park. It sure was beautiful!

I guess I should shower and run some pre-work errands! Hope everyone has a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving wherever you spend it.

xoxo

For the LOVE of Greyhounds. Please Read and Repost!

Just a quick note before reading this really important information. Anyone who knows me knows I have loved Greyhounds for a long time! I wanted to adopt one way back when but when I told them I had a young Jack Terrier, the rescue group said they would not adopt one to me. Apparently they can confuse JRTs with rabbits or whatever it is they chase around the track. I would also like to inform those who don't know, Greyhounds are LIFE SAVERS! Many retired racers are blood donors to other dogs who are in dire need. Greyhounds have a high PCV (pack cell volume) and a lot of them are able to donate thanks to their very gentle, mellow nature. Besides all that, many Greyhounds are universal donors!

EVERY ANIMAL DESERVES THE CHANCE AT A WONDERFUL LIFE IN A FOREVER HOME!!! If anyone here in Austin wants to take a road trip to rescue a Greyhound in December, I am totally up for it. I am off the weekend before Christmas.

Attention...the Dairyland Race Track in Kenosha, Wisconsin will be closing on December31, 2009. 900 Greyhounds need to be adopted or they will be euthanized.Please help me get the word out; there is only 6 weeks to get this task done. Contact Joanne Kehoe Operations Director P: 312.559.0887 OrDairyland Race Track Adoption Center direct at (262) 612-8256

PLEASE REPOST THIS EITHER AS A NOTE OR A STATUS UPDATE ON YOUR FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, TWITTER OR BLOG! HELP SAVE THESE DOGS!!

The World's Smallest Pitty Party

I always get great ideas for blogs as I'm ready to fall asleep at night (or morning, depending on how you look at it). I log on the next day ready to write and I have little to no direction. Sometimes it comes to me and other times I find myself typing endless lines of crap while thinking of other things I should be doing.

So what to report? Life is good. It continues to be good even though I've had a rough few hours here at home. I'm getting a little down on my living situation only because I feel like I'm the only one that puts in to the house. I really miss having a "home." We don't have a couch, I don't have a real bed and well, I just want to WANT to stay at home once in a while. I woke to find a couch in the living room this morning only to discover it smelled of cat urine. I instantly became pissed off and put it back outside. I had a minor pitty party and decided to sweep and vacuum. Of course last night was the topper of everything. While pulling out from an ATM, I didn't realize there was a higher than normal curb and I scratched the very bottom of my brand new car. I jumped out of the car and looked for the damage. I couldn't find any right away as it is pretty unnoticeable from certain angles. Needless to say, I'm feeling very, very upset about that. I've been beating myself up for it since it happened. I'll have to look at it and see what can be done to fix it if anything. I could vomit I'm so upset.

Camping with Stephen was awesome. I'm as head over heels for him as he is for me. Inks Lake was lovely minus the rain! Yes, we camped in the rain. I was able to get a pretty awesome fire going and cooked us a yummy meal. He said at lunch yesterday that dinner was one of his favorite parts. I'm glad I can make him happy on a consistent basis. I think our best is way out in front of us. As we lay in the tent, rain coming down, I looked at him and he looked at me with such contentment. It was an amazing moment that I don't think I'll ever forget. I'll bite my tongue on all the sappy shit for now but just know that I never anticipated feeling this way ever again.

Trying to Impress My Honey

In an effort to be more domestic, I attempted to cook seitan for Stephen today. I read many different recipes and really took my time preparing it. Well, I think it sucks. It isn't as good as Yummy Yummy's soy gluten and that is what I was aiming for. I guess I'll include it in the veggie stir fry I'm going to make him but won't blame him in the least if he decides to pick around it. Oh the joys of being a vegetarian.

We have an ongoing joke about "fag food." That's what we call a lot of what we eat. I guess if you're reading this and don't really know me, you could find that rather offensive. Rest assured, I mean no malice. We've even gone as far as talking about making a web-based cooking show called, "Fags Like Us- A Vegetarian Cooking Show." I think between the two of us, he is the better cook. He makes the yummiest stuff for me all the time! Though his meals are pretty simple, they are quite tasty. Maybe I'm being too elaborate for my own good. I should thumb through the pages of the new vegetarian cook books my momma got me for my birthday and pick something more simple.

As Katherine said, "Millie, he'll be crazy about you no matter how bad the food tastes." Stef said he agreed whole hearted with K. There's something about Stef that makes me want to take care of him. Maybe because I feel it's a two way street. I'd do just about anything for him and trust him with anything that is mine. I can not wait until our camping trip on Sunday! Just me, him and "our" dogs with a nice camp fire and lots of stars!

Sweet Home Chicago

I got in from Chicago at about 3:30 PM yesterday. The flight was uneventful except my iPod took a dump on me 45 minutes into the flight. Today it seems to have fixed itself so that's positive. Speaking of positive, I had an amazing trip. I learned SO much in five days. So much. I learned who my true blue friends were, I learned that I really don't care about most of my extended family and I reinforced what I knew about my strength and ability to reinvent myself and move forward. I was happy to get home to my honey, my job and my pets. As much as I enjoyed my visit, I was ready to come home.

My mother really bent over backwards to make the entire trip as wonderful as it could possibly be. It's always really hard to say goodbye to her. She really added her "Martha" touch to everything she did this weekend. My birthday cake was beautiful, the food was delicious and I got some really wonderful gifts including a large tote bag that is large enough to fit all my work stuff AND Keeper!

Lucero was Saturday night. I met up with Katherine for some Yummy Yummy vegan food. I almost forgot how delicious that corn soup was. OMFG, and the bubble tea.....wow. Austin needs to learn how to make a decent bubble tea. We went over to Piece, which I hate but did it to see Eli and Vee before going to Bottom Lounge where I met up with Kathy, Maddox, Katrine, Darren, Ryan and Jen for some LUCERO! I do have to say, after seeing the boys here in Austin, NO Lucero show will ever rock as hard. The crowd sucked it hard and I did my best to not be too rowdy even though I wanted to rock out. After the show, which WAS good, I met back up with Katherine, Vee and Eli for a few beers. I entertained everyone with some strange goat noises while they made fun of my apparent "Texas twang." I grew sleepy quickly and we went back to K's house to sleep it off. That slumber party will forever be known as Slumber Party of Dooooom!!!

Sunday was my birthday. It was mellow. The day seemed to come and go with little excitement. Everything was really nice and I was happy with those who came out. Well, mostly happy.....It's funny how family members can say hello, had you a card and proceed to eat and hide in the basement watching football. I don't think either of them asked me anything about how I was doing or how Austin was. I would have rather of had 25 minutes of talking to them rather than the $25 check they gave me. Don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative but I would have rather had the small talk. Later that night I met up with CVES folk at Underbar. That was also interesting. It was nice to spend time talking to Dr. Beyer. She's always been one of my favorites. I drove over to CVES and was greeted with leg humps and "boob hugs." I got teary when I saw everyone. It was awesome.

Monday was fairly low key. I met Durso for lunch at Happy Elephant. I miss him so much. We had a great visit, drank bubble tea and he stole a small pumpkin off the table for me. It was just like old times. He gave me a pumpkin for Halloween every year and this year was no different! I visited my sweet grandma at the hospital. We talked about life and I showed her pictures of my life here in Austin. She asked about Stephen as my mom had told her about him. She asked if I think we'll live together and get married. I smiled really big and told her that it was too early to tell but I was really falling for him. I hugged her goodbye and went back to Mom's.

Later that night I picked up Aubrey and got some OES lovin'! We spent a little time visiting before going back over to Yummy Yummy for dinner. We met up with Selena, Darren and Katherine. Selena made me the best vegan cupcakes! Wow, that gal can really bake! She continues to be one of the cutest gals I know and I couldn't be more pleased that she is dating Darren. Seriously. Margaritas at Lazo's were next. MY Katherine, Lori, The Corey, Ing, Plate, Darren and Katherine joined. It was fun! Ingrid told awesome stories that shocked and amazed. Damn I miss her! The next step was a big one. One of which I wrote in the blog entry before this one. I faced Derek. I forgave him and I now know that I can move forward. I can't tell you how great I feel. I wish him all the best, I think I always have even when I was at my most hurt.

Tuesday I kissed Mom goodbye and caught the Metra to Chicago. I took a cab to Darren's where we spent some time trying to track down the new Larry Arms record for Stephen. Instead, Darren had made me a copy on CD for him and I purchased the record online. He'll have it in a few days. I'm focusing on being the very best I can be for myself but also for Stephen. I really, really like this guy. It always amazes me how you can be in a crummy relationship and then meet the man of your dreams. Yes, I'm pretty sure he is just that. Damn. After ordering the record, Darren and I went over to Orbit Room for Tuesday $4 burgers. We were greeted by Larry who looked great and bought me a few PBRs. It was nice to catch up with him. I was shocked to see Dennis AND Patrick too! I had my usual "burger, " a mushroom with goat cheese and crispy onions. I missed that damn meal!

After Orbit we went over to Club Foot where we were greeted by Chuck and more free beer. I couldn't have been more pleased to be sitting on a bar stool in my favorite bar again. Dr. Barry showed up for a while and we had a good visit. The regular crowd didn't show which really made me sad. I was expecting to at least see Silent Ron and Heather. Oh well. As I said at veggie brunch on Wednesday, the people I needed to see were there. The ones that REALLY matter. We had a fun night of telling stories and Eli gave me a "Pentipuss" necklace. It's super cute. That night I crashed on Darren's couch and slept well.

After meeting with Katrine and Katherine at Earwax Cafe and laughing our asses off, Katrine drove me to the airport. My flight was running early which may have been the most shocking part of my trip! I kissed Stephen like 300 times before dropping him off at home. So as I said, I'm happy to be home and back to life. Thank you to all who made my trip really special. I feel loved.

Facing Fears and Letting the Past Be the Past.

I have a lot to write about my trip to Chicago but one thing I just am so proud to get of my chest. I swear I'll write all about my trip home when I get through my work week (Sunday at 2AM).

Monday nights were always "$20" drink nights with Katherine and then Continental. This became even more so after Derek and I started dating. He is the Monday night door guy. After he broke up with me and killed my heart, I could no longer do what I did on Mondays. It was totally depressing. I did go once before I moved to Austin but I knew he wouldn't have been there. This time around, I decided I was going on Monday night. Nothing was going to keep me from my routine.

I can't say I've ever been more scared in my life. My heart was beating in my throat and I was shaking really badly. He was sitting in the window when I walked up and he saw me. I think his eyes got a little bigger too. He greeted me and I was friendly as I decided I had to be. I had to forgive and get this out of my head once and for all. He asked me why I was here and told him I was visiting from Austin. He asked me how I liked it and I told him my life has never been better.

Later on in the night, I gave him a vegan cupcake and we talked a little more. I told him that my life needed the change but it was really hard. Worst break up ever, seriously. Damn heart going 100 miles an hour and shit! I ended up thanking him for the break up (but not in a mean spirited way). I looked him square in the eyes and in my most sincere voice, I told him that I forgave him. He thanked me and apologized for being such an asshole to which I responded, "As long as you know what you are." I winked, he laughed and things felt great. We both got a little heavy and decided that he should go back to working and I should go back to talking with my friends.

When I was leaving, I approached him, called him by his full name and gave him a hug. I wished him well and I walked out of The Continental feeling empowered and 1000 lbs lighter. Talk about facing your fears, forgiving and letting the past be the past. I'm not sure that after this blog, I'll ever mention Derek Dziak ever again. The end.

Total Bullshit, Dude!

I don't even know what to write. This week has been kinda sucky. I should be super excited as I'm going to be in Chicago this Friday with my friends and family. Instead, I'm kind of wishing I could just stay in Austin. It's not that I don't want to see my mom, dad and friends, I'm just not as excited as I was a week ago once I learned about all the shit going on at home.

I also learned tonight that my best friend is going to be too busy to see me for even a little while. And while this may be true, I think it is total bullshit. Listen, I TOLD you I was going to be there over my birthday weekend so don't act all shocked when I tell you I'm going to BE THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. Seriously. I'm not sure where we went wrong but if I don't see you while I'm there, I'm going to erase you completely. We've sucked at keeping in touch since my move OR since I started dating Derek. Sorry I ventured out beyond our little world but what the fuck did you expect?! Ugh. I'm so sad and angry at you that I almost don't want to see you. I haven't cried as hard as I did tonight in a long time. There used to be a time when you'd bend over backwards to see me on a daily basis and now I live 1100 miles away and am visiting for a few days and you can't make an HOUR for me. Whatever.

On top of that disappointment, my grandma is sick and in the hospital. I don't even know what to say about that.

I'm going to miss my dogs, parrot, Austin and Stephen. Sigh.

Note to Self

Dear Millie,

This is a letter to yourself to remind you to slow it down a little. Remember, just because someone isn't as open and outgoing as you, doesn't mean they aren't just as interested. He wouldn't be talking about going to Chicago with you to see a Cubs/Astros game in April if he wasn't totally smitten with you. Quit being so quick to sabotage this. THIS is the relationship you've been waiting for. He isn't Derek, he isn't going to "fall out of love" with you one Friday night. Granted, love is a bit of a strong word, I know you can foresee it happening with him. I know you anticipate only great things from this relationship. So remember, focus on being yourself. He likes you, he's just as smitten and probably just as freaked out about you as you are of him. You both admit this relationship was very unexpected. Enjoy it!

Love,

Millie

Smitten with Life!

Alright, so I skipped out on Sunny Day Real Estate AND Pedro the Lion. I'm not too upset about it as Stef and I spent that night enjoying each other's company and a nice dinner at Veggie Heaven. Earlier that day we ventured to Mc Kinney State Park where we hiked a bit but not nearly as much as we did on Monday. We drank a fair bit on Tuesday so Wednesday was a little rough.

Mondays hike was at Emma Long Park. We did about 2.7 miles along Turkey Creek. It was nice and there were a fair amount of creek crossings. We laughed and joked as we often do but had moments of quiet too. There was a point in time where neither of us had said anything for a few minutes and I stopped walking and looked at him. I said, "Listen." "When is the last time you heard such silence?" It was neat.

Tuesday I did some chores such as sweeping up, doing dishes, washing dog beds and a very stinky, shedding Australian Shepherd. I met up with Stef (yes, this has been happening a lot lately) and we went for margaritas and dinner at El Mercado. The drinks were strong and only $3! Dinner was nothing to write home about but it didn't suck. We spent the rest of the night drinking PBR and listening to music until we pretty much passed out. I don't even remember falling asleep and I haven't slept that well in a long time.

We woke Wednesday and I just had to get my hair cut. I stopped at a place on S. Congress and got a great cut! I'm very pleased. I let the pups out and spent some time with them and picked Stef up to make our way to Mc Kinney. The falls were lovely and I could have sat there for much longer than we actually stayed. It felt great to have my toes in the water and the warm sun shining on my face as I lay on large rock. It really is the little things that make me happy.

Not so little things though, like what's going on in my love life, are making me SO excited. I'm pretty sure this guy is that "one in a million" you hear about. I know I felt strongly for Ronny and all but damn I'm glad that ended. Stef (Stephen) is so considerate, kind, passionate, non meat eater, animal lover and overall, a very wonderful man. Things are so natural when we're together. I knew the night we made the Vegan pizza that things were going to get serious kinda quick. Granted, we ARE taking things slow. Neither of us expected such a great connection and we're taking our time exploring and learning about each other.

My life hasn't been this wonderful a place in a very, very long time. I'm thanking my lucky stars and wondering what I did to deserve this life and these blessings.

In the Words of Perez Hilton, "This weekend was Shiteous!"

The first week back to work after my weekend off is always the hardest especially when I had an amazing few day run there with my new friend. It makes it tough to go back but I love my job and hence was happy to go back. Wednesday and Thursday were fairly easy. Somewhat steady before Midnight and then slow until I got off at 4 A.M. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, however, were some of the most stressful days I've had since I started.

Traffic was stupidly slow getting to work on Friday. When I arrived, I was the only one there. Granted, I usually AM the first one there except when Laura is working, she beats me in every time! One of the doctors shows up and we do rounds with medicine and surgery. Twenty after six came and I was still the only tech. I figured it was the traffic keeping everyone from being on time. That's when the doctor asked me if I knew how to switch over the phones to which I responded, "We don't have a receptionist?" That answer should have been obvious. So there doctor and I were, running the front desk, getting people checked in and answering the phones. This was just a prelude to how sucky the weekend was going to be.

Steph showed up frustrated when I then took a call from the practice owner. "Millie, Laura won't be in tonight, she called off sick." Now normally that's not a HUGE deal because we have another CCN on staff but tonight it was just Steph and I until our overnight crew came in at 10. I alerted the other doctor on staff that it would just be the two techs minus a CCN. By the grace of God, we managed to work through a VERY busy evening and hold everything together until Nick and Jeff came in. I have to say, Steph and I were high-fiving each other and I even patted her on the back for a job well done. We took in several transfer cases and had many people with walk-in emergencies. In all, I'm actually flattered that they allowed Steph and I to work alone with out a CCN (that is NEVER allowed). I don't know if it was because there wasn't anyone to call in or if they figured with the two doctors and us, we were competent enough to keep things running smoothly. Regardless, I was happy to go home that night.

2 P.M. Saturday came way too quick. I slept poorly and had a hard time getting out of bed. I walked in to yet another clusterfuck of a day. Laura was out ill again, Jasmin was the nurse of a very critical puppy who was getting peritoneal dialysis, Jon Jon was running rooms and Jenna was working on keeping up with treatments. The day progressed in to another very busy one. Many sad cases, many euthanasias and more stress than I could bear. I informed everyone that no matter what, I was leaving at Midnight, my scheduled time off. I had plans after work and there was no way I was going to miss out on seeing Stephen.

Stef sent me a text that he was making Vegan egg rolls and had cold PBR waiting for me. My heart skipped a beat when I told him that pleased me and his response was, "I was hoping it would." Seriously, I'm super freaked out by how awesome he is. It's unreal. I sat on his kitchen floor as he made the egg rolls. I gave him a recap of the last few days and drank a few beers within a half hour of being there. We spent the night talking, laughing, watching YouTube and listening to old Chicago bands. As we were laying there talking, I put my arm over his chest to kind of cuddle with him to which he accepted by cuddling back. At this point, I had some idea that he liked me but I was nervous to "make a move" if you will. And then it happened, a kiss so awesome, it made me melt. He began to gush about how he had wanted to kiss me from the day he met me but didn't know if I liked him or not. I was like, "DUH!" But as I've said, I don't want to rush anything and want to get to know him before jumping in with both feet.

He went back to the three days where we were hiking at Bull Creek and how there were moments where he wanted to kiss me but chickened out. He told me how he was texting his friends about how awesome he thinks I am. You could tell he was a bit embarrassed by his recent confessions but I assured him it was awesome to hear. Chad took the dogs out for me and Stef and I crashed out. We woke up this Afternoon and watched Bridezillas and I could feel a migraine starting.

Sundays at the EC usually suck but today was exceptionally sucky. I walked in to a patient of mine from the night before, dead and waiting to be prepared for her owners to pick up. That sucked. Anyways, down a tech again tonight, I fought through the worst headache and ended up vomiting. Laura was also still very sick but kicking on in true Laura fashion. I ended up vomiting in the bathroom and was able to go home once the overnight crew got in. I hated missing the hours but I was feeling pretty crummy. I hate getting migraines.

So here I am now, looking up hikes to go on the next few days since I'm off work. I'm hoping to convince Stef to maybe camp in a state park tomorrow or hike Emma Long Park. We'll see what he's up for. I'd also like to go dancing tomorrow night but I'm unsure if Dale is playing CC. Wednesday is Sunny Day and Stef agreed to go with me. I'm anxious to see them as it has been since 2001 or so.

Glad THAT'S Behind Me!

I got what I wanted with little pain. Ok, I'm a bit ouchy but I know that this feeling will pass. I checked out well over a month ago when I realized he just wasn't the right guy. He lacked excitement along with SO many other things. He was fun at the time. Good bye and thank you for deleting me from your Myspace and Facebook. Retard.

Sooooo.......I'm looking forward to Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week. I'm hoping to get in a fair amount of hiking/exploring. I must do laundry and get my house in order over the next week so I can get a couch from Tree and Nick. I have so many pictures to hang and things to unpack still. Part of me is kicking myself for moving all this shit to Texas when I haven't even missed so much that was in the boxes I have just stashed where my washer/dryer SHOULD be.

The plan as of now is to get things in order here so I can start cooking Vegan/Veggie meals and drink PBR on the couch while watching moves all with my new friend. I don't need a whole lot to make this place look good but it does need a good scrubbing.

I must go to bed now so I can wake up in time to get some shit done before another 1o hour shift in the ER. Night!

xoxo

Millie d. Murder

Pleasantly Surprised

So my weekend off is coming to a close and I have had a frickin' blast. The past 3 days have been exceptionally fun.

I met a new friend that I've been exploring some of Austin's beauty with. We seem to have a ton in common and laugh a whole lot when we're together. We both like nature, watching stars, being in the water and so much else. Regardless of any relationship that may come of it, I know we're going to be great friends. He's kind, funny and good to animals (and isn't a meat eater which I find so hot). I can't remember laughing as hard as I did the last few days in a long time except with Darren in Dallas. I'm super anxious to continue building a friendship with this person. Friendship is what should come first. The rest may come with time and if not, I'll be happy just to have him around. His company is a pleasant surprise.

Bull Creek is absolutely lovely. Over the course of 3 days, we hiked the entire trail. We dicked around a lot and he fell in the water at least once each day. The first few times I didn't laugh but today I did. Yesterday we Gracie tagged along with us. She seemed to have an enjoyable time swimming, sniffing and exploring the trails. I'll be bringing her with me on more hikes soon!

Tonight was spent drinking a few PBRs, watching movies and making Vegan pizza. Seriously, everything we do together is freakin' perfect. It's kind of scary. We'll see.

A Little Blue After Visiting Gruene Hall

OMFG, last night may have been one of the weirdest nights I've had since moving to Austin nearly 5 months ago. I was in a somewhat pissy, shit mood all day. It was the anniversary of Jim and it really snuck up on my this year. I shopped for cowgirl boots and found a pair I love except I couldn't afford them. I put them on hold and will pick them up on Thursday before I head to work.

After shopping and going out to Westlake to buy dog food, I met up with David Goggles. I drank a few pink lemonaide/Sprites and went home to pass out for a few hours. I got to Ginny's about 10:30 ish, which is normal, and began drinking. Chad showed up, we danced and listened to Arty Hill when Anik joined us. Joe was also there being weird and telling everyone he loved them. Don't get me started. Shortly after Arty ended, we went to Horseshoe. I didn't stay long.

Details of the events after leaving Horseshoe are not for blogging but wow.....weird night is all I can say.

I got home to find Chad "making out" with Jarobie and feeding her pizza. She really likes him a lot. I ate some weird combo of a garden burger and hummus and passed out. We woke up at 11 ish and I felt how much fun I had the night before. Our drive to Gruene felt somewhat short. Gary Claxton was great and Cindy Cashdollar was on steel! I was really expecting lots of dancing and fun at Gruene Hall. I was wrong. Anik and I danced, Chad and Anik danced and Chad and I danced. We ran in to the gal from London and she gave me some Tylenol.

The drive home felt longer than the drive down. I took a nap and now I'm here blogging. I'm uncertain where to go tonight. Part of me really wants to go to Ginny's to see Terri Joyce but the dance floor and lack of dance partners there is kinda sad. On the other hand, Dale is playing The Spoke and I'd most likely end up there alone. I'm sure I'd have many dance partners though. It costs too much to drink at The Spoke so I guess I'll be going to Ginny's. Problem solved.

Discovery: I LOVE to DANCE!

A quickie before I have to jump up, shower and run out the door to work.

I just wanted to write how much I love dancing. When I came to visit Chad here in April, his then girlfirend, Anik, drug me out on the dance floor at Ginny's to dance to Johnny Falstaff. The band was awesome and that song was a fairly quick polka type song. I had NO idea what I was doing but I picked it up fairly quick. Later, that same night, Joe asked me to dance with him and he was so super cute and charming, I couldn't have said no. The steps were so simple yet I couldn't manage to not step on his feet.

My ability to two step (and waltz, even though I'll never admit I like the waltz) have gotten pretty darn good! After a slight argument with Chad a few months ago about my "inability" to dance, I've become a MUCH better follower. I can take cues from my partner and really move around the floor with ease. I'm to the point now where I'll dance with any guy because I know that I can. I now get what I fondly call "dancing crushes" on any guy who can lead me around the floor and make me feel awesome. I pretty much crush on someone once a week if not more.

My latest dancing crush was a guy I met a few weeks at at CC for Dale Watson. He was a lovely dancer and made me smile a lot. He could dip me all the way down to the ground and spin me so perfectly every time. I had the pleasure of dancing with him on Monday night again. We both agreed that neither of us have had that much fun dancing in a long time! CC is popular for out of town folks (once upon a time ME)! This group of ladies were asking Kevin and I if we were in a dance club. I explained I had just met him the week before and that we were not in a club. They were shocked. "You've only danced with him ONE other time before this and you guys dance so well?" I was absolutely flattered and explained it was pretty much all in his ability to lead and my ability to follow and take cues. Out of towners thought I was a great dancer!!!!

I'm also to the point where I don't mind showing off a little bit. I smile a lot more and really shake my booty! Before I was so focused on not stepping on my partner's toes and keeping the beat and now I'm focused on not making faces (like concentrating really hard)! I'm off all weekend and I have plans to visit Texas's oldest dance hall, Gruene Hall! Gary Claxton is playing. I can not WAIT to dance there! Saturday night is Dale or Terri, I haven't decided. Sunday is Dale at Ginnys then Lucas at Mean Eyed Cat and Heybale! at CC! I have a full weekend and lots of liver Olympics ahead of me!

Now in the shower and out the door! There are animals who need fixin'!

My Brain Quit Half Way Through This Blog Post.

I've managed to waste an entire day off in bed. Sometimes, I just can't get up. My job kicks my ass. Of course, I work overnight tomorrow so my body may just be trying to get me on THAT schedule. Who the hell knows.

September has flown by. It seems like just last week Ronny and I were planning our weekend trip to Port A and now we're pretty much over. I like him so much and did see him a few times this week. The first time was at his house where we pretty much didn't talk a whole lot. We just lay on the couch and hugged. It was so nice. He continues to ask me what he can do to change and I continue to tell him it doesn't work that way. We both cried a lot again. He wants to be different for me but I just feel funny about that.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing with my weekend off this week but it looks like a good slew of music is on the horizon. With luck, I'll get to dance a lot. I have so much to write but lost my steam. I'll post again later this week.

Random Jibber Jabber

I slept so poorly last night. I tossed and turned all night. I kept thinking about Ronny and, for some reason, the song Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips. Maybe that's not even the name of the song but it's about a gal named Yoshimi training so she can "beat those evil machines." Yeah. Anyways, I am super stressed out about how things are going and part of me just wants it all to be over now. The other part of me still wants to try to work things out with him. I just have so many issues with his life that I don't know that it is going to be possible.

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut tonight and really hope my plans to do so don't fall through. I'll be super bummed out. I really work myself up for hair cuts ever since I lost contact with Jessie James. She cut my hair better than anyone I've ever met! It always looked so "fierce" as she called it. I could just wash it and wear it or do it up with the flat iron, either way, it always looked awesome. I tend to get a lot of compliments on my hair. Anyways, I'm taking a big chance with a new stylist here in Austin (Round Rock actually). We'll see if he can keep our scheduled time. I do have to be honest though, I won't be shocked if he cancels, he's pretty good at that.

What else is there to report? OOhhhh.....I made my first car payment today! Now I know that doesn't seem like the biggest deal but to me it is! This is my chance to fix my credit and I'm taking no chances. The payment isn't due for at least 2 weeks but early payments must count for something, right? If not, I can rest assured in my head that I'm ahead of the game!!

The end for now.

Full Speed Ahead Until I Die!

I really want to write a book about my 20's. I keep thinking about them and how much I went through. I will stand by my statement that a woman's 20's are among the hardest years of her life. Not only does life change so much, your body changes too. I'm not just talking physical appearance but mental health changes as well.

Everyone is encouraging me to write this book but I have no idea where to begin. I really would need to get in touch with my past and the people that were in it to remind me of the details of my very rocky 20's. Past boyfriends, friends, co-workers, roommates and so on would need to be interviewed to remind me. I'm not 100% sure I'm up for that though. It could do more harm than good. I agreed that once I turned 30, nothing would hold me back. I started planting seeds that I am now starting to watch grow and blossom. I'm right around the corner from my 31st birthday and I feel that I did A LOT in the first year of my 30's. Granted I had a few rough spots, mainly the break up with Derek, but I didn't allow it to ruin me.

I still think about Derek several times a week and wonder how he's doing and what he's doing. I've had a few urges to text message him but have resisted thus far. It wouldn't be productive to my "looking forward" mentality. I do reflect on our relationship a lot and I know that in my heart it was never going to work out even though I loved him with my whole heart. I'm facing a similar situation right now. Ronny and I have been dating for a few months now and we hit it off really well. I like him a lot and even love parts of him. I can't say I love him like I loved Derek though. I don't know that I ever will feel that way about another human being again. There are so many things wrong with mine and Ronny's relationship but I don't know how to begin to put it in to words. Fuck, I know this is going to end sad/bad but I want him in my life. Right now I think he has a lot on his plate to deal with that he isn't because he doesn't see how serious it is. I don't know that he ever will.

So that's where I'm at. A bit ouchy in the heart and trying my best to not hurt anyone on my path to becoming a better Millie. I've agreed that my life in Austin is going to be the best that I can make it. There are no regrets, there is no looking back at what could be. I'm here in the moment and I'm going to be full speed ahead until I die (and yes, that IS what I'm going to call my book).

Gateway?

Sometimes I wonder what to write when I feel like writing in my blog. One would think that if I wanted to write, then I should know what to write about. I have moments during my days where I think to myself, "I should remember this and write about it later." I need to start entering little moments in my Blackberry so I can go back and trigger myself to write.

I continue to wonder who on earth reads my blogs. I know Gail with the farm does and my momma in Chicago but beyond that, who cares about my weekly ramblings? Anyone? I'm so curious if there are regular readers to my blog that don't know me and have taken an interest in my life. The Internet is a strange and powerful tool, is it not?

Soooo. I'm going on day 4 of my 6 day, 60 hour stretch at the ER. Last night was absolutely insane. Laura, Ross and I were on alone until 10 when our overnighters, Nick and Jeff came on. I must say, as busy as we were, the stress level maintained itself at a minimum. The energy at the South clinic is amazingly awesome. I'm so proud to work there and work with an exceptional group of techs and doctors. Tree paid me a nice compliment the other day. She said she was happy I was part of their team and I was a great fit. Talk about feeling great about yourself and what you're doing, huh? I think highly of Tree. She's a wonderful, Earth-loving woman with a kind soul and big heart.

I got an interesting text from an unexpected yesterday. We'll see how that works out. I can always use another friend. It looks like that roller skating I had talked about a few months ago may happen this Tuesday. I'm anxious to see. Darren and Selena AND their Vespas will be here on Thursday and I couldn't be more excited! I have to map out a plan of attack on Austin so I can show them all the best places.

I also wanted to mention something private. I mean not super private but something I do everyday when I come home at night. It has become a bit of a routine. My apartment complex is super cool. It's painted fun colors and is very diverse. I live on the second floor of a two story building. The entrance to each apartment is outdoors. Climbing the stairs every night, I get excited to see if they are there. By they, I mean my house geckos. Driving home from work, I think about them. I get excited in hopes that they are there and that I'll get to view them for a split second prior to going inside to get the dogs for their nightly potty. Last night there were several! They were on the walls and on the ceiling. I'm not sure why they excite me so much but they do. I guess I really shouldn't be shocked that something so small makes me happy. I've always said, "It's the little things." I think some people should take a lesson from me and start loving the small things. I think it is a gateway to loving greater and more deeply. Just a thought.

Time Together Tells Much and Weekend Off Update

I'm sad my five days off have come to a close. I go back to work tonight and will be on for the next six days. Not only will I be on 2 days longer this week than I normally am, each is a ten hour shift and it's a holiday weekend. I remember last year in Chicago, we had THE busiest day I've ever seen in our ER. I pray to God it isn't the same here in Austin.

Dallas was fun and relaxing. It was amazing to see Darren and Selena. I miss them both so much. I miss having friends like them. We spent the day in downtown Dallas riding a free trolley and eating gellato. Darren and I joked a whole bunch and it was just like old times, we didn't miss a frickin' beat! The drive up wasn't too bad and totally worth the sore ass I had once I got to the hotel. The night was spent relaxing in the pool and napping. I had a hell of a headache that night and retired earlyish to bed. I woke at 12 AM and realized I was on my own. I went to Waffle House and had the worst strawberry waffle ever. The grits were good as was the Red Bull I smuggled in and drank with my meal. Saying goodbye wasn't as hard as it was the last time but I got a bit teary once I closed my hotel room door. I know I'll see them both next week here in my beloved Austin. I have to come up with some kind of plan to show them the best of Austin! Details on that to come.

Saturday Afternoon, I picked Ronny up on my way back home. We took a nap and decided to go to Ginny's to see Johnny Falstaff for a little while. I wanted to stay longer but it was his birthday and he wanted to go to his bar, Baby Blues, for a little while and see his friends. We got home pretty early as we knew we had a long, long drive ahead of us on Sunday.

Sunday was fun. We got up about 10 ish and I was feeling groggy and sick. I will credit early morning and lack of Red Bull for this feeling. It passed and we were on our way to Port Aransas for a fun in the sun filled two days. I enjoyed the drive down. It was very scenic. I made it a point to avoid the major highways since I believe in the saying, "Getting there is half the fun." I tortured Ron with 1st Wave on XM radio and I'm pretty sure he won't be wanting to road trip with me again anytime soon. We were able to, however, compromise on a half assed punk station. They played some Rancid, Anti-Flag and then crapped out and played some rap shit that we both agreed sucked balls.

I didn't make a reservation at our destination with the intention of just walking in to a place. We found the beach, which you can DRIVE ON and I couldn't have been more excited. Actually, the whole drive down I was squealing at this or that. Ron just sat there. It was almost a slap in the face. His lack of excitement for the little things worries me. I feel like he has such little emotion for life and this became very obvious on our trip. I'm having second thoughts about continuing our relationship. It's been a rough 24 hours. Granted, we've only been seeing each other for a little under two months, we hit it off and things went kind of quick. I'm scared of hurting his heart but know in the end I must be true to my feelings.

Our last Morning in Port A sucked. We had a bit of an argument the night before which resulted in tears (his and mine). I woke early to vacuum and wash the car. I tried to leave him sleeping but he wanted to go with me. It was an awkward Morning. I asked him if he wanted to eat breakfast and he did. Part way through our meal, he turned green. He went outside as I paid and I found him amongst a pool of vomit. He continued to vomit for a few minutes and worry set in. We had to check out of the hotel in 30 minutes! I figured a late check out wouldn't be an issue since we were the ONLY people staying at The Blue Crab Inn. Wrong. The lady said, "We charge $10 an hour for late check outs." I was angry about that but had no choice. Ron was sick and he couldn't bear a 4 hour car ride in his condition.

The nausea, stomach cramps and headache subsided enough for us to get on the road by 1:30 which was two and a half hours later than I had wanted to head back to Austin. Regardless, I felt terrible for Ron and did everything I could to keep him comfortable and happy. Of course, I find myself doing this when he's not sick too. I have a lot to think about this week. With luck, this will all work itself out and no one will be hurt (too badly). I know my head is just a mess over the whole damn thing.

It's laundry time.

Look at These Fucking Hipsters and Their Sick Cat DOT Com

I tried to have sympathy for humans today. These two young kids (hipster kids) brought in their cat that they just adopted today. This cat was also spayed today. I did the TPR minus the temperature because the owner could not safely restrain the cat and she didn't appreciate a rectal temperature. Otherwise, I felt as if she was stable. Chances are she had a URI or something but it's not my call as I am just the nurse.

The doctor brought the cat to the TX area and listened to the heart and lungs for any crackles or signs of pneumonia. I prepared the thermometer and found the cat to be febrile. We like cats and dogs to be about 101.0 to 103.o. This cat was 106.7! Doctor came up with an estimate which is the nurse's job to go over with the clients. I walked in and sat down on the floor, as I so often do, and showed the kids the low end and high end of the estimate. It was pretty simple supportive care overnight. IV fluids, pain meds, antibiotics and some diagnostics. The girl instantly said, "I don't have that money." The boy then chimes in, "We feel like the doctor hasn't told us what's wrong with the cat and now you're asking for all this money."

I took a deep breath and said, "The doctor needs diagnostics to diagnose your cat and furthermore, we are treating her symptomatically which is not uncommon." These kids looked at me like I had 10 heads. Anyways, it came down to them needed to decide on blood work. I told them at least a CBC would be best to get a WBC count. I'm not sure where things went South but the girl was emotionally unstable and the guy was being a total dick. I went in to this thinking maybe we could try to work out payment arrangements and such but I ended my day disliking the general public and hipsters more than ever before. I guess that's why I work with animals!

One more shift before my long weekend! I can't wait so see Darren and Selena in Dallas on Friday! Not sure what we'll do but I can't wait to hug each of them for like 20 minutes! Saturday should be low key with Ronny for his birthday and Sunday we're driving to Port Aransas to get in some beach time at The Gulf of Mexico! I'm anxious for tomorrow to be over!

I Heart My "Southie" Crew and Little Pats on the Back.

OMFG! Today was freaking crazy! Laura, Nicky, Janna and I rocked it hard though! We had a ton of hospitalized patients and a rack full of rooms to be seen. Needless to say, I am absolutely exhausted! It got to a point tonight where we had so much to do and not enough man power to do it. There was an assembly line of IV catheters that needed to be placed, a broken tooth dog that ended up actually being a rat poison ingestion that needed plasma and other various emergencies. Even though we were super busy and backed up with a few hour wait to be seen, only one person acted like a dick.

Back home in Chicago, my old EC was always staffed to the brim with techs and assistants. Here, we do a lot more on our own. Some things really are better if two techs can work on them but sometimes you just have to make due. One of the patients I was working with had bloody vomit, bloody diarrhea and needed an IV with a large bolus of fluids. Nicky was working on the plasma transfusion, Janna was trying to catch up with past due ICU treatments and Laura was dealing with another emergency. I had no choice but to try to place the IV all by myself. While this may not seem like a huge deal, it kind of is. You need one tech to hold the leg forward and roll off the vein so it occludes and stands up, making it easier to pass the IV. I started shaving the leg, prepped it so the area was clean and rolled off the vein. With my right hand I felt for the vein and picked carefully where I was going to poke. I knew I really had to get his right because not doing it well would result in more time than we had to spend. My fist poke was tough, this gal had tough skin! I began to get a little nervous and shaky too. Adrenaline was pumping as it so often does when your EC is slammed. I saw and accessory vein that looked pokable. I often try to avoid that vein if I can because the IV sometimes won't feed past the viafication. Well it must have been my lucky day because I did it! I got it taped in and said to myself, "Oh fuck yeah." I won't lie, I was pretty excited and felt so accomplished. I had a small party and patted myself on the back a little bit. It's moments like those that make me feel as if I'm really getting it.

I had a great night. I love my Southie crew and feel SO fucking blessed to work with them on a regular basis. They are part of what makes my job so great. (We have two hospitals, a North location and a South location. I work South most shifts except for two North shifts a month) At the end of the night, I was laughing so hard I was in tears. Someone mentioned Borat and I was like, "OMFG, I have this picture!" I tried to explain it but failed so I SHOWED the picture of Darren and Durso in the QC hotel room. The room exploded in laughter! Jeez I miss them. Lucky for me, I'll get to see Darren in 5 days and then a week after that for a day!! I couldn't be more excited.

I'm laying here in bed feeling quite proud. I came home and swept, did the dishes and moped the entire apartment! All I have to do tomorrow now is finish cleaning the kitchen counters and do laundry which means I can spend my one day off having FUN! I think I'll hit up my favorite swimming hole and bring my girls with me! Keeper isn't the biggest fan of the water but we'll go spend some time anyways! I also may go looking at kayaks tomorrow too. I'd love to start paddling soon as a way to spend time with nature and get some exercise. More to come.

I'd Drive a Million Miles Just to See You Tonight!

I've been awful about keeping up with my blog lately! Last everyone read, I had heat exhaustion and a broken down Vespa Smallframe. A week ago today, I did the "unthinkable", I bought a car! I know, right, me with a car!? I can't tell you how proud I feel about my purchase! It's been a long, long time since I've had a brand new car. I have yet to name this new car but I know that "he" is a boy.....yeah, I like to name my vehicles.

So life in the past week has been pretty fun. Robb Jibson came to town with Incubus and we hung out during the day as they set up for the bands to play. It was really pretty neat to see even if it was Incubus. Robb and I caught up as it's been a long time since we had seen each other. He looked great and seemed happy with his life as he always had in the past. That same night, I saw Lucas Hudgins at Broken Spoke. Oh man....I love me some Lucas. Funny too, Weldon Henson, played guitar for Lucas. No one told me it was going to be a Texas "pretty boy" convention at The Spoke! My dancing skills were spot on! I danced almost every song with someone new! I haven't danced in a while so it felt great to get out there.

Next weekend is a big one! It's my monthly weekend off and Darren and Selena will be in Dallas from Thursday night until Sunday. I'm going to drive up on Friday with the dogs and hang out overnight. It's unreal how excited I am to see them! I'd drive all day if it meant seeing my friends again. Saturday is Ronny's birthday and we have planned to drive down to the coast on Sunday with the dogs and stay a few nights on the beach. I'm excited for late nights on the beach with my dogs and Ronny. It'll be a great memory and I'm sure I'll be writing about it and posting pictures here when I can!

What else? I'm still in shock and awe at how much my mom and dad helped me with the purchase of my new car. They never cease to amaze me and I'm a blessed woman to have such supportive parents.

Texas Gentlemen

This morning sucked. I was on my way home from Ronny's on Ollie and decided I should stop to get a bite to eat and maybe a Dr. Pepper too. I stopped at Thundercloud which has a delicious "Nada" Chicken Parmesan sandwich. It was a hot, hot morning too. It must have already been 100 degrees at 10:30 A.M.! I noticed how hot Ollie was before ordering my sandwich and though, "Shit, this bike isn't going to start for me." I was dead on. At this point, I was about a mile away from my house so I figured I'd start pushing. I'm not sure anyone knows how awful it is to push a scooter never mind when it's a million degrees out and you're already feeling a bit icky but I can confirm for you, IT SUCKS.

I got to the hill I live on at Riverside and Pleasant Valley, took a deep breath and started pushing Ollie full-force up this hill. By the time I got to the top, I was in Taco Cabana's parking lot looking for shade. I was seeing spots and couldn't breathe! I got Ollie on his stand and sat in the shade gasping for air but no matter how hard I was trying, I couldn't catch my breath. I took a small sip of Dr. Pepper and began to feel very sick. As I was sitting there, I almost passed out on the ground. I mustered enough strength to walk in to Taco Cabana when I was greeted by a very sweet boy with awesome tattoos and dread locks. He handed me a cup of water and said, "I saw you pushing your bike and you look like you could really use some water." I thanked him but really didn't know what was going on as I was on the verge of passing out. The white spots were getting bigger and my lungs were hurting so badly. He introduced himself as Avery and went and sat with his friends outside. I walked in to TC and sat at the first seat I saw. I was sure I was going to either faint or vomit on the floor. I did neither and eventually was able to breathe again.

The table was covered in my sweat when Avery walked back over to get some soda. I thanked him so much for being so kind and he then offered to push Ollie the rest of the way home for me. Turns out he's in a local punk band that is renting an apartment at my complex and was going home anyways. I was reluctant to allow him to touch my scooter, as I am with any stranger and my scooter, but at this point there was no way the bike was being pushed home by me. There was still another big hill and that would have done me in. After pushing my scooter all the way to my courtyard, I shook his hand and gave him a big hug. There are so many very kind people here in Texas. I know that would have NEVER happened in Chicago. I'm lucky to have met Avery today and will keep him in my best thoughts and prayers for being such a kind human being.

Looking Back and Moving Forward

I don't like to look back and question my past if I can avoid it. But I'm going to in this blog. What the FUCK was I thinking?! I'll tell you what, my depression really fucked me up in more ways than one. Who would have thought that nearly 7 years later could effect today so badly? Being with Jerry was by far the lowest of the low. I was weak and allowed him to manipulate me in ways I should have never allowed. Cindy would have been pretty disappointed in me.

Needless to say, my mom and dad have been bending over backwards to try to help me get a car loan that I can manage monthly. I'm being very patient and will do whatever I have to do to get this deal sealed. I'm a new person and I'm focused on growth and going forward. I know that with a car, I'll be able to venture out of my 20 mile radius and really explore. I can't wait to take day trips with my dogs and Ronny or drive up to Chicago on my one weekend off a month from the EC. Heck, I can even start going to the grocery store again!

Work has been tough. It's easy to internalize all the shit that I see on a daily basis but sometimes, stuff just gets to you. A TLAC officer brought in 3 beautiful Pit Bull puppies last night. He informed me that they most likely had Parvo, and I knew that before he even told me. I could see it. We put them in room 7 and I asked the Dr if I could run a Parvo test. I did and it came up as we all suspected. Policy for TLAC is that they euthanize any animal with parvo virus as it is too costly for them to treat an animal that may end up dying anyways. I told the Dr. that I'd help her with the dirty deed even though deep down my heart was screaming, "NO, NO, NO!" I got in the room before the doctor and got the first puppy out. He was a lovely red and white male with a gorgeous head. I held him close in a towel and cried pretty hard. I composed myself before the doctor came in and we began.

Each puppy had decent veins but the doc may have just been having a bad vein day, we all have em, that's for sure. I was asked if I could try to poke them. I agreed because I knew that is what had to be done. Once all three were gone, I told the doctor that I'd never euthanized anything before. She looked worried and asked, "You would have told me if you were uncomfortable, right." I told her, "Without a doubt." I put each puppy in a bag and labeled them for pick-up. After that, I went out back and cried really hard. I hate people for the way they treat animals. I wish I had more money so I could save even just one from that kind of fate. My passion could run me in the ground one of these days. It's moments like those that make me realize my calling as a vet nurse. I'm here to love and care for animals. I'm here to treat them with respect and dignity even in death. Yesterday also confirmed, I could have never done the ACC job I was offered back in Chicago. NEVER.

You, Sir, Are Earning Reserved Emotions.

This last week has been a real ass kicker. Between having strep throat, a UTI and fending off migraines, I also worked several overnight shifts at the ER. I'm really loving my job here. I was so afraid I never would but it is happening. I am officially becoming a "Southie" come end of August! I'll only be working two North shifts a month from the looks of it! I couldn't be more pleased. South crew is awesome. I truly enjoy working my shifts with Tree, Nick, Courtney, Laura and Alicia. We all work really well together and have an unspoken flow. We all pull our weight and do what needs to be done for the sake of the patients. I'm learning a lot and I hope that this time next year I'm working on my CCN training. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

My personal life is also looking bright. I've met someone that I'm enjoying spending time with. It's a bit scary still because we have an awesome connection and things seem to be progressing towards an LTR. I'm fearful only because of this year's earlier events. I never ever want to feel as bad as I did last March. Opening my heart up to the possibility of love is something that I take very seriously. I go on and on so often about the "L" word and its over-use. I just don't want to say I love someone and not mean it 100%. Telling someone I love them means I've put them on a higher level. Love is a reserved emotion for those I hold closest to my heart. End of story. Let's just say when a guy walks a mile each way to get me Taco Bell in 104 degree heat, my heart is pushed in the right direction. He also went out a separate time to CVS to get me a HUGE Red Bull because when asked what I needed to get out of bed, I said, "Red Bull." Without missing a beat, he went. Oh, and if that's not enough, he also took me to the hospital Saturday night and lay with me in the hospital bed as I bitched and moaned about how much it was going to cost and how the heath care system in America was fucked. It's little moments like those that make me feel love. It scares me but it's a good scared. More to come.

My Future Doesn't Include You, My Beauty, My Tru

Austin continues to be a bit like heaven here on Earth. I'm greeting each day with energy and excitement. I look forward to working, I look forward to being off work and having fun too! I have been thinking about the future a lot lately and I really think I want to settle down. Wait, wait....not settle down with someone but settle down here in Austin. I need to start saving money, which I have been trying to do and think about buying a house and a car. As much as I don't want to take on a car payment, I need a car. I'm going to pay out the ass for it too. I fucked myself royally in my 20's and will forever have a hard time with credit thanks to my lack of concern for the future then.

I am selling Tru. I've placed an ad and made it official. It breaks my heart in an epic way but I can't keep up paying her bills. She deserves to be used and enjoyed. If you are ambitious enough and want to go searching equine.com for her ad, feel free. I feel yucky.

Love, THE Most Over-Used Word

What a wonderful few days. I met a new guy who's turning out to be super fun and unexpected as I may have mentioned in earlier blogs. We met right when I moved to Austin but never quite met up. Every so often we'd send each other text messages asking how each other were doing but never quite had the time to meet. Finally, last week, we met at a bar up North. We talked and enjoyed each other's company for a while before I asked him if he wanted to go to Ginny's. The catch was, he doesn't have a car and all I have, of course, is Ollie. One criteria I've judged guys on is if they'll ride on the back of my scooter. That by no means is a great way to judge someones character but I do take note.

So it turns out that we've since spent more time together. I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not but it turns out he is. Don't get me wrong, he's not my boyfriend. I'm having a bit of a hard time allowing that to happen again. Before Derek, I hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time. The problem now is that my heart is still hurt from my break up and I want nothing more than to be able to trust this new guy but my head is like, "No, no, no, no, no." Granted, he's done nothing wrong or anything to make me think he's going to be bad to me, but neither did Derek. I wish that mother fucker knows how badly I was hurt by his actions. I had NO idea I could hurt that deeply or love that deeply either. So here I lay, on my air mattress, worrying. I know that nothing has to be decided today or anytime soon, but I fear allowing a new guy into my life. My feelings don't flip at the switch of a light like Derek's did and I'll stand by and say I was true with my whole heart. The things I shared with him were real and I did NOT deserve the way he treated me.

On another rant, I'm so sick of peoples over-use of the word LOVE. Granted, I'll say, "I LOVE that or I LOVE this" but to truly love, that is a scary experience. To allow your heart to be completely free of any fear and love is an amazing experience. The only problem is, when there are such strong feelings of love, there can also be strong repercussions when it goes away. My issue is, I don't know how to "fall out of love." If I tell you I love you, I love you. End of story. Chad said, "But you love all your scooter friends." Again, I have some really strong feelings for a lot of them but very few, if any, do I LOVE. It's such a hard emotion to deal with and maybe I'm obsessing over it a bit much. I should go back to sleep for a while so I can wake up later and wash Grace and mop our floors.

My Passionate Heart

So I asked Ronny what he liked most about himself not fully knowing how I'd answer it if he asked me in return. He said his artistic ability. I thought to myself, "I don't really have that." I mean, I can't draw, I can't paint and sometimes I question if I can even write. I told him I'd ponder it a bit and blog about it when I had some idea.



I tried to explain to him that I am all or nothing most of the time. I'm fueled by passion. I think my ability to reinvent myself is my favorite thing. To me, reinvention can manifest itself in many different ways. I'm struggling for the words really. Jerry once said, "Milwork, your ability to come back stronger than before after being kicked down has always amazed me about you." It was funny coming from him since he was one of the biggest downfalls in my 20's. Jesus Christ, what was I thinking that I let a scummy fuck like him put me in such a bad position? Maybe I can say what I don't like.....my heart. While it doesn't love a whole lot, it's so honest and forthcoming. I tend to allow myself to get too excited about new people. I just can't deny the way I feel. It's such a rarity to be completely intrigued and super excited about getting to know someone new.



More to come, I must close my eyes and allow myself to sleep. Anticipation is killing me!

River Junkie

My five days off have come to an end and I went back to work tonight. I'm laying here in bed hoping that writing in my blog will make me fall asleep sooner. I MUST wake up tomorrow and do laundry, buy two-stroke oil and try to figure out what the fuck is going on with my scooter.

The five days off turned out to be rather interesting. I met a couple of people who I really enjoy spending time with, one is completely unexpected the other is rather exciting. Both boys. Gosh, I'm quite boy crazy, aren't I? Anyways, I've spent a few really interesting nights on Lamar Street bridge and IN what I think is The Colorado River. I'm not 100% sure what it is called.

Last night, after hanging with a new friend, I met up with the other new friend and we went swimming for the second time that day. It was about 3 in the morning this time so we pretty much just went in our underwear. It was really fun and I'm so in love with Austin. My spirit is feeling more free and revived that it has in so long. I kept saying back in Chicago, "I'm in a rut." Here in Austin, I want to get off my ass and do stuff. I just hope that excitement never goes away.

It did feel good to get back to work tonight even though it was super slow. I enjoy working with Tree, Laura and Courtney (Heather too but we don't work together a lot). Tree spent some time with me working on my medical math and CRIs. We also did a few of my Treatment Nurse discussions. I need to do at least two of these discussions a week to keep on with my education. Today we talked about Nystagmus and Wounds.

I limped Ollie home. He's not happy and I don't know how to make him happy. I'm sure whatever it is that he needs is going to piss me off. I hate working on my scooter making me by far the worst Vespa owner ever. Maybe the points need to be cleaned like Durso said. I'm sure the carb could use a cleaning too. I have to hike over to the auto parts store (very short hike actually) and get some 2 stroke oil, new plugs and some sandpaper. With luck, that's all it will take.

Endless Summer!?

OMFG, what a fun few days here in Austin. Friday was spent shopping, yes, I said shopping. I got some awesome deals on some super cute dresses! I've never enjoyed shopping much and don't wear many dresses though Friday kind of made me change my mind. Dresses and loose clothing is a must here on these 105 degree days!!

Weekend in review:

Friday, shopping and Ginny's where I looked super fabulous in one of my new dresses. Too bad boys are dumb and can't appreciate the full package. You'd rather do that girl, well.....that's no problem. As Jenny sang, "If you don't wanna kiss me, someone else WILL." Ha! Chad, Caroline and I went to a party that was just getting shut down by the cops as we got there. I was, by that time, in a shitty mood. The ride home proved to be interesting. Long story short, boobs in dress make men say piggish things.

Saturday, woke up and found that dress at Old Navy that I wanted. Colored my hair and met a new friend for lunch at Magnolia before going to Phil's up North in Georgetown. Giant slip n' slide kicked my ass. Kissing on dark country roads in a pick up truck and really beautiful fireworks with a gentleman. Drove home, coughed all night. OH and went topless swimming with Chad and a few neighbors before going to bed!

Sunday, Ginny's with Chad. Drank a considerable amount of rum and beer. Danced and may have finally gotten it down! Mean Eyed Cat with Colleen who I met at TC's the week before to see Lucas who didn't show. Grrrrt. Drank Lonestar and went to Continental Club. Danced my ass off.....everyone was asking me to dance and I felt SO good! Chad says it was the dress and my boobs again but I think it was because I can actually dance and learn new steps pretty quick! Miz. Dana Austin joined us and we kicked it back up to Magnolia where the 3 of us always have an awesome time! We laugh, joke and make total asses out of ourselves. It reminds me of me, Darren and Durso when we're together. It's not the same but it feels good to laugh so hard you nearly pee your pants. I miss D and D (not Dungeons and Dragons).

Today....I think I'm going to skip TC's and see Dale at CC. Dana asked me to go and I miss hanging with her. That and the dancing bug has bitten me hard and I hope to dance all night again. We usually end up at Jackalope around 12 or 1 to end the night with some beers. I predict after hours topless swimming again.

Tomorrow.....Ginny's? Jim Stringer?

Weekend?

I've rediscovered the beauty that is the small coffee shop with free wifi. I've never had to go out and search for Internet access as I've always had it in my house. The roomie and I have been pretty lazy about getting something set up so until then, I find myself searching for free wifi.

Bouldin Creek Coffee Shop is an all vegetarian coffee shop with yummy food! I've eaten here 2 times this week! It's fairly close to home on South First Street. It is really close to my favorite, Plovos and Sugar Mama's respectively. Austin is really great. They have two different stores dedicated to just cupcakes. Those who know me well know that cupcakes are one of my favorite food groups.

I'm off for the next five days and really wish I was in Chicago with my friends. While I have "friends" here, I don't feel the connection with them as I do with my peeps back home. I have yet to really trust anyone here and am learning not to get my hopes up that people will be considerate.

Anyways, I'll do my best to give a weekend update when I can. Until then, wooooo!

Never, Saying Never Ever Again!

Missed Connections on Craigslist is one of my very favorite places to surf. It's funny to read how someone chickened out or whatever. I've always thought it would be so amazing if I found one that was directed to me. Now THAT is romantic. Anyways. I TOTALLY pussed out on talking to this guy the other night and wrote a somewhat drunken MC add, which I've NEVER done until now.

OMFG, HE READ IT. It makes me wonder how many people are out there wishing they had just spoken up etc.

Cheers to looking forward to a fun weekend with a potential new friend.....can I get a yee haw?!

Wishing For it Only Makes it Worse

I have been sleeping pretty poorly lately. It could be due to this ever nagging cough I have or that my mind is racing while it should be focusing on the task at hand: SLEEP. On a side note, what's with all the kids with tons of tattoos and girls with black hair. Even though those tattoos are most likely original, they lack individuality by all dressing the same and dying their hair black. Ok, back to serious blog.

I sit at the office of our apartment complex on every off day I have, which isn't many, and watch the people outside in the pool. I wish I had the guts to go up to them and say hello but alas, I just don't have it in me. It's either that, or I just don't friends that badly. I woke much earlier than I had planned this morning and looked right at my phone, as usual. I've been feeling really sad lately about one friend in particular and how our relationship has kind of faded out. I think it's obvious to see that the two of us had a connection like none other. I'm pretty sure he was the one "great one" in my lifetime except he was never really mine at all. It was a false hope that anything could ever come of it. I don't bare my soul very often as there are so few who are worth of such honesty. And while I'd love to put every detail of our conversation here for everyone to read how agonizing it has been for me (us) I won't do that. Just know that my heart has known what it is to love someone completely.

So while my eyes are always looking at the goods and even touching some of them, my heart isn't 100% there. I doubt I'll ever meet another man who will make my eyes light up the way he did or someone who is as selfless as him. It's nice to know that there is at least one other person out there who knows ME. Who sees me for who I am and doesn't run away. Someone who can deal with a heart like mine. Ugh. Anyways, enough of this talk for now. It's been heavy on my mind for a long time and I'm sure I have a lifetime of this weight to go.

Work. Let's talk work. Yeah, work is actually going ok. I had a few really good days in a row and I'm feeling like a part of the team. I'm placing IV catheters, drawing blood, running lab work and being held accountable for patients care. It's a huge job and and an even bigger responsibility. Some of my work is still being overseen by the CCNs but this next level of learning that I've been given seems challenging. I'm going to learn all kinds of skills such as male urinary catheters, minor surgical monitoring (even though I've done a bit of it back home), learning to read blood smears and fecal tests. And beyond that, I'm LEARNING WHY things are the way they are not just spewing out answers because that's what I've heard in the past. This time I'll KNOW and have learned it on my own. Does that make sense?

I'm looking forward to 5 days off this week! Looks like a fun weekend ahead. Lots of music, dancing and booze. I predict some drunk dials and drunk, after hours swimming parties at our place! Wooo!

"This Too Shall Pass"

Cough, cough....yeah, I've got a cold. Feels so weird to be hacking my lungs up in the middle of a heat wave. Oh well, this too shall pass. That's a good motto, ya know? I get so wrapped up in the moment that sometimes, I forget to think things all the way through. Sometimes I put myself out there too much, trust too quick even though it's who I am and I'll always embrace my faults. And really, who's to say that's a fault?

Human nature sucks. I continue to be let down by people and because of that, I worry that maybe I'm a let down to them. I've had so much self-doubt in the past month, it's unreal. Even though I'll stand by the saying, "I am fine." In all, I am fine but I have some regrets. Perception is a funny thing. If I could see into the future, maybe I'd know how to handle my heart. Until then, I'll continue to be who I am and someone, somewhere will find that the best thing ever.

It's either black or white with me. I'm coming to accept that more and more. I don't do "gray." I tend to put it all out there without thinking through the potential repercussions of my all or nothing attitude. Honing in on my skills will come with time and I feel like thus far, I've managed it fairly well. Well, except when I'm blindsided by the occasional human being.

1100 Miles Away

I've learned a lot in the past week. A lot about my job, a lot about myself and about the people in my life. I'm coming to grips with certain things that are out of my control. Talk about being vague, huh? Not everything is meant for the eyes of the public. Even as open as I am, I have my secrets too.

Veterinary math is becoming a bit more easy. Math has never ever been my strong point so having to use it everyday is a bit scary for me. It's so important not to fuck up you numbers because a patent's life is at stake. Nick (Nicky) at work has been really helpful and kind in his own way. He sat with me and helped me figure out a Fentanyl CRI. I get really stressed when I'm put on the spot and expected to do math. I get hot, sweaty and light headed. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm stupid. Funny enough though, I'm humble enough to allow myself that feeling. I have a great deal of humility even though I'm kind of cocky at times.

On a heavier note, I got a call from Katherine last night. I could hear in her voice that she wasn't ok. She reminded me of that cyst on her ovary from a few years ago and how it has now gotten bigger. It is now the size of a grapefruit and pushing on her abdomen. She has to have an emergency OHE and will be in the hospital for 3 days. Worse yet, they fear it may be cancer. I can't put in to words what this woman means to me. She has been so good to me over the years and saw me through some of my worst moments. She finally found her happiness too. She's out of her terrible marriage and with a man who really respects and loves her, accepted into the Rush Nursing Program and her whole life is starting again! Now this? Fuck this.

I chose to be here and now I'm here. No regrets but I sure wish I could be there for my friend in her greatest time of need.