There are so many possibilities.
I couldn't be happier that I'm off work the next 5 days. I'm trying to keep myself nice and busy. Busy Millie means less likely to think about the painful stuff.
On my to do list:
Shoot guns with Andy and Ross
Float the river with work friends
Dance, dance, dance DANCE!
Gruene Hall for The Derailers (who I've never seen)
Heybale! Who I never get to dance to on a Sunday night.
The rest really is going to be on a whim. I hope for some real fun and little down time.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Picking Scabs
This last month has been a lot of things. Most of all, it has been hard. Again, I always talk about coping and some peoples' inability to do so. Of course, recently, I've questioned my own ability.
I had a great time in Chicago. The party was stellar. Much punch and pool time with a few of my closest friends. I will say I was disappointed in a few people for not showing but I really can't wrong them if I don't wrong myself. I found myself really questioning "real" friends. Some people can't even return a simple text (including myself at times). The Cubs game with Jay and Deanna was super fun. So fun that I lost my voice for a few days after getting home to Austin. I don't know if you know, but trying to be an ER vet tech with no voice is really hard. My fellow techs and doctors had a really good time making fun of me and my whispering. I think secretly, they were having a party. I'm pretty chatty.
My mom seems to be doing well. I had a breakdown about her health in addition to other things last Thursday. I drank myself in to quite a mess. Luckily, Troy and Leslie were good friends and drove me home. I wouldn't have even tried to get home. Worst case, I would have taken a cab or Chad could have driven me home. I spent an hour on the phone with Troy after he dropped me off. I was a sobbing mess. Blubbering about my failing relationship, my sick mother being 1,200 miles away and just general worrying about my parent's and their well being. I'm not ready for them to be sick.
Today would have been mine and Stephen's 10 month anniversary. He made a point yesterday to leave him alone and never contact him again but today he wished me a "happy" anniversary. I didn't respond because I'm really trying to digest how mentally abusive he has been for quite some time. I've gone out of my way to not be aggressive back towards him. I wish I could yell at him for an hour about so many things. I'd write a letter here in my blog but I know he can access this and I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's funny because often when I've been hurt, I want to rip the eyes out and shit on the soul of the person who caused me grief. In his case, I love him. I think I may always. We just want different things. I guess the kid thing threw me off the most. He called me selfish yesterday. I'd be the first to admit, I can be BUT, in general, I really am not. Look at how much time I give up at my job helping others? I don't do it only because I get paid.
Anyways, I'm painful. I know I have to keep strong but I won't lie, sometimes I really want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Sometimes I want to be taken care of. I want to be cooked for, I want to not have to worry about day to day problems. I once had someone like that but that's a whole other blog post.
I had a great time in Chicago. The party was stellar. Much punch and pool time with a few of my closest friends. I will say I was disappointed in a few people for not showing but I really can't wrong them if I don't wrong myself. I found myself really questioning "real" friends. Some people can't even return a simple text (including myself at times). The Cubs game with Jay and Deanna was super fun. So fun that I lost my voice for a few days after getting home to Austin. I don't know if you know, but trying to be an ER vet tech with no voice is really hard. My fellow techs and doctors had a really good time making fun of me and my whispering. I think secretly, they were having a party. I'm pretty chatty.
My mom seems to be doing well. I had a breakdown about her health in addition to other things last Thursday. I drank myself in to quite a mess. Luckily, Troy and Leslie were good friends and drove me home. I wouldn't have even tried to get home. Worst case, I would have taken a cab or Chad could have driven me home. I spent an hour on the phone with Troy after he dropped me off. I was a sobbing mess. Blubbering about my failing relationship, my sick mother being 1,200 miles away and just general worrying about my parent's and their well being. I'm not ready for them to be sick.
Today would have been mine and Stephen's 10 month anniversary. He made a point yesterday to leave him alone and never contact him again but today he wished me a "happy" anniversary. I didn't respond because I'm really trying to digest how mentally abusive he has been for quite some time. I've gone out of my way to not be aggressive back towards him. I wish I could yell at him for an hour about so many things. I'd write a letter here in my blog but I know he can access this and I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's funny because often when I've been hurt, I want to rip the eyes out and shit on the soul of the person who caused me grief. In his case, I love him. I think I may always. We just want different things. I guess the kid thing threw me off the most. He called me selfish yesterday. I'd be the first to admit, I can be BUT, in general, I really am not. Look at how much time I give up at my job helping others? I don't do it only because I get paid.
Anyways, I'm painful. I know I have to keep strong but I won't lie, sometimes I really want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Sometimes I want to be taken care of. I want to be cooked for, I want to not have to worry about day to day problems. I once had someone like that but that's a whole other blog post.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Ramblings
Amazing. My "3 week manicure" couldn't manage to hold up ONE DAY at my job. I don't know why I try sometimes.
I need a running scooter and a fast horse like NOW or I'm going to go into break down mode. If it wasn't for the 90 degree weather, I think I'd pull a Forrest Gump and run and run and run and run.
There's no running from Austin. I haven't been here long enough and besides, I really truly love it here. No one and nothing are taking me away from my "Neverland."
Is it wrong to want, want and want more? Not all of my wants are materialistic but I'm not about to spell it out here on the pages of this blog.
Next week's drive is coming just in time for me to spend countless hours alone and on the open road. And while it would be great to have company, I'll survive on my own. I have thus far.
I need a running scooter and a fast horse like NOW or I'm going to go into break down mode. If it wasn't for the 90 degree weather, I think I'd pull a Forrest Gump and run and run and run and run.
There's no running from Austin. I haven't been here long enough and besides, I really truly love it here. No one and nothing are taking me away from my "Neverland."
Is it wrong to want, want and want more? Not all of my wants are materialistic but I'm not about to spell it out here on the pages of this blog.
Next week's drive is coming just in time for me to spend countless hours alone and on the open road. And while it would be great to have company, I'll survive on my own. I have thus far.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Breakdown Royale
I'll tell you what. I'm the queen of coping. I talk about coping a lot and my amazement at the inability of others to cope. My life has been a series of challenges. Some I've brought on my self and others, well, I guess they're just part of life's ups and downs.
I'm actually wondering if I AM coping or if I just put the shit out of my mind to only come back to it later and hash it out.
I'm sick of these demons, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I want smooth sailing and to be happy. I'm frustrated, angry and confused.
I don't know how much more my body can take. How much more my mind will allow before I have the grand royal break down.
I'm actually wondering if I AM coping or if I just put the shit out of my mind to only come back to it later and hash it out.
I'm sick of these demons, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I want smooth sailing and to be happy. I'm frustrated, angry and confused.
I don't know how much more my body can take. How much more my mind will allow before I have the grand royal break down.
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