Running Away

It's kind of funny because I saw a decline in my blogging when I met Derek. I find I blog less when I'm very happy. I guess that would be why I'm blogging so much now. I'm a complete mess. I'm so heart broken still and I don't know how to make it go away. I have supportive, amazing friends that love me for all that I am including my quirks. Again, I embrace my imbalances or whatever I chose to call them on any given day and remain true to myself.

I'm shocked at how sad I continue to be even though it has only been a few days. I really cared for him. My whole heart was in love with him which is why I guess I'm so hurty still. I'm doing everything I can to occupy myself and stay busy but even in all my chores and errands, I find myself hurting and thinking about Derek. Fuck, I drive past that stupid computer store on Elston and I think of him. I hear a song like "Mr. Roboto" and remember the dance he did in his boxers and how that image would be forever burned in my mind. I found a video of a song he sang to me the other day and it made me cry even though it was meant to be silly. I'm having such a a hard time letting this go. I feel like I know him well enough to know that there is something terribly wrong with him right now.

How do you just stop loving someone?? How do you turn it off so easily? Cha Cha told me it's because he really does care for me. I'm having a hard time with that theory. In an effort to cope, I bought a plane ticket to see Cha Cha in Austin in 11 days rather than go to the WKRP rally. I know I was really looking forward to it but I'm so down and out I don't even care about riding my scooter much. My scooter was the last thing that Derek and I argued about and since then I just feel shitty about riding. Plus Durso can't go and while that rally is a blast, it wouldn't be the same without my best friend.

I figured running away at this point would be healthy. Maybe not in my pocket books best interest but I was saving that money for mine and Derek's trip to Germany in October so why not spend it? I'm looking forward to seeing Austin by two wheeled vehicle and joining Chad on this adventures! With luck, by then I'll be a bit less sad. I am ready to take a few pills and be over the whole fucking thing.