One of These Days

I'm trying so hard to find happiness anywhere I can. And while I'm smiling and laughing with Friends and family, I'm still so sad. Today I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo with my cousin Ashley and her boyfriend Mike. I couldn't help but think of the time Derek and I went there. He held my hand and was so attentive. He made me feel so special when we were together. I think of the way he introduced me to his friends and seemed so proud. I am so sick of being heart broken but today is so much like yesterday and the day before. I can't shake it. I haven't seen him in over a week and haven't heard from him since Sunday early Evening when he texted me some lame shit about how my job was going.

I keep bursting in to tears and beating myself up thinking that he met someone else. I have a strong suspicion he did. I know in my heart that I'm the best though no matter what he chooses. I'm going to visit Austin and if I like it, I'm seriously going to consider moving there this year. I'm going to work my ass off all Summer to save up some cash and move my life. I wanted to do it before I met Derek and decided I'd stick around for a while to see where things went.

I'm most bothered by the way he used to talk about our relationship. He talked about how I was the girl he was going to marry and how he was so in love with me. It scared me a little bit but I liked him a lot at that point that I was ok with it. I talked a little bit about it sometimes when he brought it up but never brought it up first. Marriage is a life long commitment and I hope to only do it once right. There will be no multiple marriages for me. I'm 30 and at this point nowhere near marriage or even love with anyone right now. I'm simmering in my sadness and anger towards him and I wish the days would make the hurt go away faster. Thus far time isn't healing any of my wounds. Perhaps rum from a flask, motorcycles, warm weather and laying in green grass with an "old" friend will help me heal. When I come back from Austin I plan on being a new woman.