Looking Back and Moving Forward

I don't like to look back and question my past if I can avoid it. But I'm going to in this blog. What the FUCK was I thinking?! I'll tell you what, my depression really fucked me up in more ways than one. Who would have thought that nearly 7 years later could effect today so badly? Being with Jerry was by far the lowest of the low. I was weak and allowed him to manipulate me in ways I should have never allowed. Cindy would have been pretty disappointed in me.

Needless to say, my mom and dad have been bending over backwards to try to help me get a car loan that I can manage monthly. I'm being very patient and will do whatever I have to do to get this deal sealed. I'm a new person and I'm focused on growth and going forward. I know that with a car, I'll be able to venture out of my 20 mile radius and really explore. I can't wait to take day trips with my dogs and Ronny or drive up to Chicago on my one weekend off a month from the EC. Heck, I can even start going to the grocery store again!

Work has been tough. It's easy to internalize all the shit that I see on a daily basis but sometimes, stuff just gets to you. A TLAC officer brought in 3 beautiful Pit Bull puppies last night. He informed me that they most likely had Parvo, and I knew that before he even told me. I could see it. We put them in room 7 and I asked the Dr if I could run a Parvo test. I did and it came up as we all suspected. Policy for TLAC is that they euthanize any animal with parvo virus as it is too costly for them to treat an animal that may end up dying anyways. I told the Dr. that I'd help her with the dirty deed even though deep down my heart was screaming, "NO, NO, NO!" I got in the room before the doctor and got the first puppy out. He was a lovely red and white male with a gorgeous head. I held him close in a towel and cried pretty hard. I composed myself before the doctor came in and we began.

Each puppy had decent veins but the doc may have just been having a bad vein day, we all have em, that's for sure. I was asked if I could try to poke them. I agreed because I knew that is what had to be done. Once all three were gone, I told the doctor that I'd never euthanized anything before. She looked worried and asked, "You would have told me if you were uncomfortable, right." I told her, "Without a doubt." I put each puppy in a bag and labeled them for pick-up. After that, I went out back and cried really hard. I hate people for the way they treat animals. I wish I had more money so I could save even just one from that kind of fate. My passion could run me in the ground one of these days. It's moments like those that make me realize my calling as a vet nurse. I'm here to love and care for animals. I'm here to treat them with respect and dignity even in death. Yesterday also confirmed, I could have never done the ACC job I was offered back in Chicago. NEVER.