What a wonderful few days. I met a new guy who's turning out to be super fun and unexpected as I may have mentioned in earlier blogs. We met right when I moved to Austin but never quite met up. Every so often we'd send each other text messages asking how each other were doing but never quite had the time to meet. Finally, last week, we met at a bar up North. We talked and enjoyed each other's company for a while before I asked him if he wanted to go to Ginny's. The catch was, he doesn't have a car and all I have, of course, is Ollie. One criteria I've judged guys on is if they'll ride on the back of my scooter. That by no means is a great way to judge someones character but I do take note.
So it turns out that we've since spent more time together. I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not but it turns out he is. Don't get me wrong, he's not my boyfriend. I'm having a bit of a hard time allowing that to happen again. Before Derek, I hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time. The problem now is that my heart is still hurt from my break up and I want nothing more than to be able to trust this new guy but my head is like, "No, no, no, no, no." Granted, he's done nothing wrong or anything to make me think he's going to be bad to me, but neither did Derek. I wish that mother fucker knows how badly I was hurt by his actions. I had NO idea I could hurt that deeply or love that deeply either. So here I lay, on my air mattress, worrying. I know that nothing has to be decided today or anytime soon, but I fear allowing a new guy into my life. My feelings don't flip at the switch of a light like Derek's did and I'll stand by and say I was true with my whole heart. The things I shared with him were real and I did NOT deserve the way he treated me.
On another rant, I'm so sick of peoples over-use of the word LOVE. Granted, I'll say, "I LOVE that or I LOVE this" but to truly love, that is a scary experience. To allow your heart to be completely free of any fear and love is an amazing experience. The only problem is, when there are such strong feelings of love, there can also be strong repercussions when it goes away. My issue is, I don't know how to "fall out of love." If I tell you I love you, I love you. End of story. Chad said, "But you love all your scooter friends." Again, I have some really strong feelings for a lot of them but very few, if any, do I LOVE. It's such a hard emotion to deal with and maybe I'm obsessing over it a bit much. I should go back to sleep for a while so I can wake up later and wash Grace and mop our floors.
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