Only 3 more shifts until I'm in 80 degree weather.....or 4 days, however you look at it, I'm excited. Even though I know there's excitement right around the corner I'm still kind of meh. It comes and goes really and certain things trigger it. Of course when people at work ask how "my man is" that doesn't help. I was pretty sure word got around that I was broken up with by phone and not given a reason. Hmmm. But yeah, it came as a shock and if looks could kill, the person who asked would have been dead (but NOT by me funny enough.)
I guess I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. Ha! At the end of the day, I find myself mostly ok and in a decent frame of mind. Yeah, that's what I do. I cope.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Kickin' On
So I just got done playing my couple hours of Warcraft and I really should get to bed. I can't help but think how truly lucky I am to have such a committed group of friends who always have my back. Any time I've had issues whether they be with my job or with other aspects of my life, they are there championing me to "kick on" like I always do.
I'm a hell of a survivor and a fuck of a fighter. I'll always do what's right or at least try. No one is perfect, least of all me. I just want my friends to know how much I truly appreciate them and some of them I even would go as far to say that I love them. Love has always been a pretty sacred word for me and is reserved for only those who really truly have earned it. I guess when I say I love someone, it's a feeling that I'm always going to have in one way or another. I mean, I may say, "I LOVE THAT!" But really it might not be LOVE, LOVE. It's most likely a strong like. Love is a tough emotion and should only be used for those deserving of such emotion.
So a big thanks to all who have checked in on me over the last week, offered to bring me food, encouraged me to go out, dressed me and FORCED me to go out, offered to bring me coffee on my busy work shifts, shared cake with me, spent time with me, challenged me to think beyond where I was allowing myself to think and so on. Your concern for my heart and well being means so very much to me. I love you guys.
I'm a hell of a survivor and a fuck of a fighter. I'll always do what's right or at least try. No one is perfect, least of all me. I just want my friends to know how much I truly appreciate them and some of them I even would go as far to say that I love them. Love has always been a pretty sacred word for me and is reserved for only those who really truly have earned it. I guess when I say I love someone, it's a feeling that I'm always going to have in one way or another. I mean, I may say, "I LOVE THAT!" But really it might not be LOVE, LOVE. It's most likely a strong like. Love is a tough emotion and should only be used for those deserving of such emotion.
So a big thanks to all who have checked in on me over the last week, offered to bring me food, encouraged me to go out, dressed me and FORCED me to go out, offered to bring me coffee on my busy work shifts, shared cake with me, spent time with me, challenged me to think beyond where I was allowing myself to think and so on. Your concern for my heart and well being means so very much to me. I love you guys.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Put To The Test
Ok, so I kind of feel like I'm getting better. The heart is still longing for him but my head is now starting to ask questions. I'm starting to see that there are gaps in his stories and maybe it is better that we're separate. I'm wishing him so much luck because I know there is something really big plaguing his life right now. I guess it's better he put me on a train in my sleep so when I wake, him and his problem(s) are far behind me. Ok, that was cheesy and I'm trying so hard to truly feel lucky.
I've been doing my best to keep my head busy. I've been reconnecting with the past a little and spent a really nice evening with Brad, my old high school boyfriend. We had so much fun together but a history, none the less. He still found himself apologizing over a delicious "flat" pizza and yummy house salad about the past. I have always been pretty easy to forgive someone who has wronged me but it takes a long time depending on the crime. Brad and I talked about our current situations and his is somewhat similar to mine.....I can't go in to all the details here since I DO keep some of my life private.
Brad played his guitar for me most of the night and shared his new music too. He was the only person to ever write a song for me. He played both songs and one of them made me tear up really bad. It feels good to know that the way that I am and the way that I live my life has a positive effect on people. It means a lot to know that even after all these years, Brad still cares a lot for me. It's so important in life to have people you can turn to. People, regardless of how long it has been since you've seen them, can still look to for guidance and reassurance. I've never had much of a problem being strong but this last week has been a true test of my abilities.
I've been doing my best to keep my head busy. I've been reconnecting with the past a little and spent a really nice evening with Brad, my old high school boyfriend. We had so much fun together but a history, none the less. He still found himself apologizing over a delicious "flat" pizza and yummy house salad about the past. I have always been pretty easy to forgive someone who has wronged me but it takes a long time depending on the crime. Brad and I talked about our current situations and his is somewhat similar to mine.....I can't go in to all the details here since I DO keep some of my life private.
Brad played his guitar for me most of the night and shared his new music too. He was the only person to ever write a song for me. He played both songs and one of them made me tear up really bad. It feels good to know that the way that I am and the way that I live my life has a positive effect on people. It means a lot to know that even after all these years, Brad still cares a lot for me. It's so important in life to have people you can turn to. People, regardless of how long it has been since you've seen them, can still look to for guidance and reassurance. I've never had much of a problem being strong but this last week has been a true test of my abilities.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Still "Meh" and Counting the Days Until I Go To Austin
Seriously. I'm counting the days until I leave for Austin. I can't frickin' wait! I'm just getting in from an overnight shift at the hospital and really need to get to sleep so I can be back in 11 hours. I've been thinking about asking for a different schedule but I'm afraid I'm going to miss something on a day that I would have normally had off. Ugh.
Last night was so low key. I enjoyed the shift last night. It was quiet and I did a lot of reading about various disease processes and other shit that I need to learn to be better at my job. The crew and I did share some laughs tonight and it felt good. Dylan is always good at getting a laugh out of the team. We joked about corn snakes, hotties and "stool hoarding." I love my job.
Of course I can't help but still feel meh about all that's happened in the past week. At least it has almost been a full week. I talked to Aubrey about it a lot and told her more about the WHOLE story than I've told anyone. We both still don't understand what went wrong. There are so many holes and contradictions to what he said and did or didn't say or do. I think I'm going to be left to wonder. It's not getting easier but when I'm busy, I think about it a lot less. I need to surround myself with people that make me smile and laugh. I think on second thought, I WILL go to breakfast with the CVES Drs and a special guest who I miss oh so much!
Last night was so low key. I enjoyed the shift last night. It was quiet and I did a lot of reading about various disease processes and other shit that I need to learn to be better at my job. The crew and I did share some laughs tonight and it felt good. Dylan is always good at getting a laugh out of the team. We joked about corn snakes, hotties and "stool hoarding." I love my job.
Of course I can't help but still feel meh about all that's happened in the past week. At least it has almost been a full week. I talked to Aubrey about it a lot and told her more about the WHOLE story than I've told anyone. We both still don't understand what went wrong. There are so many holes and contradictions to what he said and did or didn't say or do. I think I'm going to be left to wonder. It's not getting easier but when I'm busy, I think about it a lot less. I need to surround myself with people that make me smile and laugh. I think on second thought, I WILL go to breakfast with the CVES Drs and a special guest who I miss oh so much!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
One of These Days
I'm trying so hard to find happiness anywhere I can. And while I'm smiling and laughing with Friends and family, I'm still so sad. Today I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo with my cousin Ashley and her boyfriend Mike. I couldn't help but think of the time Derek and I went there. He held my hand and was so attentive. He made me feel so special when we were together. I think of the way he introduced me to his friends and seemed so proud. I am so sick of being heart broken but today is so much like yesterday and the day before. I can't shake it. I haven't seen him in over a week and haven't heard from him since Sunday early Evening when he texted me some lame shit about how my job was going.
I keep bursting in to tears and beating myself up thinking that he met someone else. I have a strong suspicion he did. I know in my heart that I'm the best though no matter what he chooses. I'm going to visit Austin and if I like it, I'm seriously going to consider moving there this year. I'm going to work my ass off all Summer to save up some cash and move my life. I wanted to do it before I met Derek and decided I'd stick around for a while to see where things went.
I'm most bothered by the way he used to talk about our relationship. He talked about how I was the girl he was going to marry and how he was so in love with me. It scared me a little bit but I liked him a lot at that point that I was ok with it. I talked a little bit about it sometimes when he brought it up but never brought it up first. Marriage is a life long commitment and I hope to only do it once right. There will be no multiple marriages for me. I'm 30 and at this point nowhere near marriage or even love with anyone right now. I'm simmering in my sadness and anger towards him and I wish the days would make the hurt go away faster. Thus far time isn't healing any of my wounds. Perhaps rum from a flask, motorcycles, warm weather and laying in green grass with an "old" friend will help me heal. When I come back from Austin I plan on being a new woman.
I keep bursting in to tears and beating myself up thinking that he met someone else. I have a strong suspicion he did. I know in my heart that I'm the best though no matter what he chooses. I'm going to visit Austin and if I like it, I'm seriously going to consider moving there this year. I'm going to work my ass off all Summer to save up some cash and move my life. I wanted to do it before I met Derek and decided I'd stick around for a while to see where things went.
I'm most bothered by the way he used to talk about our relationship. He talked about how I was the girl he was going to marry and how he was so in love with me. It scared me a little bit but I liked him a lot at that point that I was ok with it. I talked a little bit about it sometimes when he brought it up but never brought it up first. Marriage is a life long commitment and I hope to only do it once right. There will be no multiple marriages for me. I'm 30 and at this point nowhere near marriage or even love with anyone right now. I'm simmering in my sadness and anger towards him and I wish the days would make the hurt go away faster. Thus far time isn't healing any of my wounds. Perhaps rum from a flask, motorcycles, warm weather and laying in green grass with an "old" friend will help me heal. When I come back from Austin I plan on being a new woman.
Running Away
It's kind of funny because I saw a decline in my blogging when I met Derek. I find I blog less when I'm very happy. I guess that would be why I'm blogging so much now. I'm a complete mess. I'm so heart broken still and I don't know how to make it go away. I have supportive, amazing friends that love me for all that I am including my quirks. Again, I embrace my imbalances or whatever I chose to call them on any given day and remain true to myself.
I'm shocked at how sad I continue to be even though it has only been a few days. I really cared for him. My whole heart was in love with him which is why I guess I'm so hurty still. I'm doing everything I can to occupy myself and stay busy but even in all my chores and errands, I find myself hurting and thinking about Derek. Fuck, I drive past that stupid computer store on Elston and I think of him. I hear a song like "Mr. Roboto" and remember the dance he did in his boxers and how that image would be forever burned in my mind. I found a video of a song he sang to me the other day and it made me cry even though it was meant to be silly. I'm having such a a hard time letting this go. I feel like I know him well enough to know that there is something terribly wrong with him right now.
How do you just stop loving someone?? How do you turn it off so easily? Cha Cha told me it's because he really does care for me. I'm having a hard time with that theory. In an effort to cope, I bought a plane ticket to see Cha Cha in Austin in 11 days rather than go to the WKRP rally. I know I was really looking forward to it but I'm so down and out I don't even care about riding my scooter much. My scooter was the last thing that Derek and I argued about and since then I just feel shitty about riding. Plus Durso can't go and while that rally is a blast, it wouldn't be the same without my best friend.
I figured running away at this point would be healthy. Maybe not in my pocket books best interest but I was saving that money for mine and Derek's trip to Germany in October so why not spend it? I'm looking forward to seeing Austin by two wheeled vehicle and joining Chad on this adventures! With luck, by then I'll be a bit less sad. I am ready to take a few pills and be over the whole fucking thing.
I'm shocked at how sad I continue to be even though it has only been a few days. I really cared for him. My whole heart was in love with him which is why I guess I'm so hurty still. I'm doing everything I can to occupy myself and stay busy but even in all my chores and errands, I find myself hurting and thinking about Derek. Fuck, I drive past that stupid computer store on Elston and I think of him. I hear a song like "Mr. Roboto" and remember the dance he did in his boxers and how that image would be forever burned in my mind. I found a video of a song he sang to me the other day and it made me cry even though it was meant to be silly. I'm having such a a hard time letting this go. I feel like I know him well enough to know that there is something terribly wrong with him right now.
How do you just stop loving someone?? How do you turn it off so easily? Cha Cha told me it's because he really does care for me. I'm having a hard time with that theory. In an effort to cope, I bought a plane ticket to see Cha Cha in Austin in 11 days rather than go to the WKRP rally. I know I was really looking forward to it but I'm so down and out I don't even care about riding my scooter much. My scooter was the last thing that Derek and I argued about and since then I just feel shitty about riding. Plus Durso can't go and while that rally is a blast, it wouldn't be the same without my best friend.
I figured running away at this point would be healthy. Maybe not in my pocket books best interest but I was saving that money for mine and Derek's trip to Germany in October so why not spend it? I'm looking forward to seeing Austin by two wheeled vehicle and joining Chad on this adventures! With luck, by then I'll be a bit less sad. I am ready to take a few pills and be over the whole fucking thing.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I Like Pushing My Scooter Home and Other Lies
In an effort to heal my heart (or at least forget that I have one and that it's hurting like hell) I have been trying to stay at work as much as possible. I got to work at 6 P.M Saturday night for my 1st yearly review and stayed until 8:30 A.M. Sunday morning. I returned to work at 6 P.M tonight and worked until about 1 A.M. I think that it's safe to say I'm really hurting.
I tried to work the pain away and I guess I'm doing an ok job. I'm so sad though. Completely and totally let down, disappointed and angry. I still want reasons. I KNOW it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my word that I was honest and kind in every way. There's something bigger going on that he's not telling me. His past stories have holes that I could have fallen in to. Never mind all that, I'm still hurty.
I've been looking at the missed connection ads thinking maybe someone would have posted something there about me. I have NO idea why I'm so dreamy about all that. It's simple and kind of stupid. I read a few and wished someone was saying such nice things to me. I can't help but get teary eyed still. I think of our last night together and the last time I kissed his lips and the last time I pet his cat and the last time I let myself out of his house not knowing it would have been the last time.
I'm ready for all this hurt to go away. Of course, adding insult to injury, I pushed my small frame home about the same distance I pushed it Monday night except tonight the fucker WASN'T running. Note to self, I'll never push a running bike home ever again. I know that wasn't the demise of mine and D-bag's relationship. He's a confused man with so much to figure out. I pray for him that he finds it. He has much to offer.
I tried to work the pain away and I guess I'm doing an ok job. I'm so sad though. Completely and totally let down, disappointed and angry. I still want reasons. I KNOW it has nothing to do with me. I stand by my word that I was honest and kind in every way. There's something bigger going on that he's not telling me. His past stories have holes that I could have fallen in to. Never mind all that, I'm still hurty.
I've been looking at the missed connection ads thinking maybe someone would have posted something there about me. I have NO idea why I'm so dreamy about all that. It's simple and kind of stupid. I read a few and wished someone was saying such nice things to me. I can't help but get teary eyed still. I think of our last night together and the last time I kissed his lips and the last time I pet his cat and the last time I let myself out of his house not knowing it would have been the last time.
I'm ready for all this hurt to go away. Of course, adding insult to injury, I pushed my small frame home about the same distance I pushed it Monday night except tonight the fucker WASN'T running. Note to self, I'll never push a running bike home ever again. I know that wasn't the demise of mine and D-bag's relationship. He's a confused man with so much to figure out. I pray for him that he finds it. He has much to offer.
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