Busy Bee

There are so many possibilities.

I couldn't be happier that I'm off work the next 5 days. I'm trying to keep myself nice and busy. Busy Millie means less likely to think about the painful stuff.

On my to do list:

Shoot guns with Andy and Ross
Float the river with work friends
Dance, dance, dance DANCE!
Gruene Hall for The Derailers (who I've never seen)
Heybale! Who I never get to dance to on a Sunday night.

The rest really is going to be on a whim. I hope for some real fun and little down time.

Picking Scabs

This last month has been a lot of things. Most of all, it has been hard. Again, I always talk about coping and some peoples' inability to do so. Of course, recently, I've questioned my own ability.

I had a great time in Chicago. The party was stellar. Much punch and pool time with a few of my closest friends. I will say I was disappointed in a few people for not showing but I really can't wrong them if I don't wrong myself. I found myself really questioning "real" friends. Some people can't even return a simple text (including myself at times). The Cubs game with Jay and Deanna was super fun. So fun that I lost my voice for a few days after getting home to Austin. I don't know if you know, but trying to be an ER vet tech with no voice is really hard. My fellow techs and doctors had a really good time making fun of me and my whispering. I think secretly, they were having a party. I'm pretty chatty.

My mom seems to be doing well. I had a breakdown about her health in addition to other things last Thursday. I drank myself in to quite a mess. Luckily, Troy and Leslie were good friends and drove me home. I wouldn't have even tried to get home. Worst case, I would have taken a cab or Chad could have driven me home. I spent an hour on the phone with Troy after he dropped me off. I was a sobbing mess. Blubbering about my failing relationship, my sick mother being 1,200 miles away and just general worrying about my parent's and their well being. I'm not ready for them to be sick.

Today would have been mine and Stephen's 10 month anniversary. He made a point yesterday to leave him alone and never contact him again but today he wished me a "happy" anniversary. I didn't respond because I'm really trying to digest how mentally abusive he has been for quite some time. I've gone out of my way to not be aggressive back towards him. I wish I could yell at him for an hour about so many things. I'd write a letter here in my blog but I know he can access this and I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's funny because often when I've been hurt, I want to rip the eyes out and shit on the soul of the person who caused me grief. In his case, I love him. I think I may always. We just want different things. I guess the kid thing threw me off the most. He called me selfish yesterday. I'd be the first to admit, I can be BUT, in general, I really am not. Look at how much time I give up at my job helping others? I don't do it only because I get paid.

Anyways, I'm painful. I know I have to keep strong but I won't lie, sometimes I really want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Sometimes I want to be taken care of. I want to be cooked for, I want to not have to worry about day to day problems. I once had someone like that but that's a whole other blog post.

Ramblings

Amazing. My "3 week manicure" couldn't manage to hold up ONE DAY at my job. I don't know why I try sometimes.

I need a running scooter and a fast horse like NOW or I'm going to go into break down mode. If it wasn't for the 90 degree weather, I think I'd pull a Forrest Gump and run and run and run and run.

There's no running from Austin. I haven't been here long enough and besides, I really truly love it here. No one and nothing are taking me away from my "Neverland."

Is it wrong to want, want and want more? Not all of my wants are materialistic but I'm not about to spell it out here on the pages of this blog.

Next week's drive is coming just in time for me to spend countless hours alone and on the open road. And while it would be great to have company, I'll survive on my own. I have thus far.

Breakdown Royale

I'll tell you what. I'm the queen of coping. I talk about coping a lot and my amazement at the inability of others to cope. My life has been a series of challenges. Some I've brought on my self and others, well, I guess they're just part of life's ups and downs.

I'm actually wondering if I AM coping or if I just put the shit out of my mind to only come back to it later and hash it out.

I'm sick of these demons, I'm sick of all the bullshit. I want smooth sailing and to be happy. I'm frustrated, angry and confused.

I don't know how much more my body can take. How much more my mind will allow before I have the grand royal break down.

Rain, Horses, Scooters and More Bad News From Back Home

I've spent most of the afternoon sleeping. It is what I tend to do before I have to work a 10 hour overnight shift at the EC. Austin looks as if it is being blessed by the rain in late June. My dogs spent half the day shaking, panting and jumping on the bed as the thunder, lightening and heavy rains passed through. The forecast is saying we're looking at rain most of the week which is both good and not good. This weekend is my weekend off.

I'm missing a lot of my past. I often do. I think about it and think, "Hey, you could live that life again." Parts of it I want nothing to do with but there are so many things that are basic to me that I've really let go over the past several years. I'm mainly talking about Vespa scooters and horses. My green 100 Sport has been sitting still in the parking lot for about 10 months now. Since the purchase of my car and my healthy fear of riding in Austin, I've put the scooter on the back burner. I was recently talking to a friend back home who was telling me my old P200 is for sale. I know in my heart I should have never sold that scooter. I must find a way to purchase it back and sell the 100 Sport. Of course, Axl has his issues too but that was my, how do you say, "soul scooter." I'm cheesy and sentimental. I wear a cruciform around my neck from that scooter every day. I rarely ever take it off. It's a reminder of back home, good friends, late nights, ice cream sundaes and happiness.

Horses. Where do I begin? Let's just say my passion for them was once much, much greater than it is now. I used to be able to spend all day, every day at the barn with Stinky. Even when I had the carriage business, I enjoyed cleaning stalls and taking care of Tru, Leila and Phoenix. I don't know if the loss of the carriage business made me sour on horses or if it was the recent sale of my horse, Tru. She was my "soul horse." An amazing mare with personality more than some people I've met. I've recently made the decision to lease a horse. I'm not 100% sure which horse or if I'll even have to pay at all to ride but I need that discipline in my life again. I've always thought that horses really made me the woman I am today.

Horses helped shape me and taught me great responsibility. They also kept me away from boys and a lot of trouble in my teens. Granted, I was a sassy teen, I'm now a sassy adult. I question authority and do what I want when I want. I'll never say sorry for who I am. Anyways, back to horses. I need to start riding again. I need more physical activity. I do dance several nights a week at various places here in Austin and I'm on my feet a lot at work but I need a little more. I've never been one to exersise. I won't go to a gym but I'll ride a bike.

So that's where I'm at right now. While writing this blog my dad called with bad news. Looks like mom isn't do well after her procedure today. I don't have all the details but he sounds pretty upset. I don't know how much more I can take. This is one of those life tests I suppose. It sucks that airfare home this weekend is close to $800. Fuck.

Feeling the Distance

I'm in the same place I always am when I write in this blog. In bed. I've been thinking all day of what to write and really, there's a lot on my mind. The most important being my mother's illness.

My mother is an amazing woman. She is kind to animals and humans alike. She gives to those who have less than her and is full of patience and kindness. She is honest and loving. My mother is in her late 50's and had been overweight most of her life. That being said, it seems as if her health is starting to catch up with her. I know what most people think when they see a bigger person. They pass judgement, we all do in some way or another be it about a heavier person or maybe a stick thin person alike. It's easy to do. I'm sure my mom passes judgement too.

On Monday, I was diving to meek Anik at Polvo's for coconut margaritas when I got a call from my father. I assumed he was returning my calls from Sunday since it was Father's Day and I didn't get a chance to talk to him due to my work schedule. The tone in his voice was off and I knew something was up. I've heard that tone a few times, once when he called to tell me that my grandmother, his mother, passed away in her sleep on a train home from San Francisco. Then he told me my mother was in the hospital. My heart sank. I knew she hadn't been well and was told she had bronchitis. Her doctor was quick to assume and put her on antibiotics. When she wasn't getting better and was becoming sick to her stomach and having trouble breathing, he switched her to another antibiotic. Finally, Dad took her in and much to all of our surprise, Mom's heart was in poor shape.

It wasn't until she was in the ER that they took a picture and found that she had pericardial effusion due to heart failure. Yeah, not exactly what anyone ever wants to hear. And I'll tell you, I work in an ER just not and ER for humans. Heart and failure are never good words when used in the same sentence.

So anyways, it finally hit me today about how sick my mom is. I lost my shit at work and cried for about a half an hour. I felt awful and really, I still feel awful. I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to hug her and lay with her in her hospital bed. I want to go to the house and clean it for her so she can go home and not have to worry. I want nothing more than to be there for anything and everything she needs be it physical or emotional. Instead, I'm in my Wonderland home of Austin, Texas. Bless this town, I love it more than anywhere I've ever lived, but right now, I want to be home in Chicago.

I want to tell my mom how much I love her face to face. I want to thank her for everything she has ever done for me including being the best mother ever. For being the mother who really allowed me to be who I was as a teenager, for always trusting me. For accepting the crazy stuff I did in high school and all the radical colors my hair saw from age 16 until 18. Thank you mom for allowing me to soar. Thank you mom for getting me out of some pretty serious shit even when it was my own damn fault. Thank you mom for always being kind and loving even to the strangers that I work with. Thank you mom for helping me buy the car that changed my life and allowed me to have a new freedom that I had forgotten about. Thank you for the 9 months you kept me in your womb and for all the suffering your body felt when you were pregnant with me.

I keep thinking about the last time I saw you. I walked you and Dad to the parking garage. I remembered that today. I remember how hard I cried when I said goodbye to each of you. I thought today that I hope from the bottom of my heart that that wasn't the last time I get to hug you. If it is, I'll be forever sad.

Feeling Like Less of a Wreck. Today is a New Day.

Before I start writing a new blog, I often read the last entry. It made me a bit sad because a lot has changed since May 10th.

Taking things back is never easy and I've made some pretty impressive mistakes this year. Some more so than others in my opinion, not Stephen's. In his, they were all impressive. In the end, they were the break down of our relationship. While preventable, sometimes you lose your judgement in the heat of the moment. I can't take it back and I'll forever live with my choices.

I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss our camping trips and I'm left thinking about him every hour of every day. I see things that make me think of him everywhere. I'm going to miss the thoughts of our long-term plans of home ownership, chicken coops and vegetable gardens. I had a split second consideration of running away again but I'm not going anywhere. I love Austin and my life, mistakes and all.

I anticipate that my blog writing will become more frequent again being that I'm single and sad. I told him he was it. I'm not doing this again. I can't. I'm unlucky in love. I'm putting my efforts elsewhere. I need to analyze things and make changes. For me, so many great things have come out of heartbreak and loss. Let's see what comes of this.