Wake me up when December Ends.

It has been a dream of mine for a long time to become a river guide for a Summer in Colorado. I don't see that happening this year but maybe it's time to start making changes to support that for the Summer of 2012.

I love the life of a river guide from what I've seen. Sleeping on upside down rafts, waking with the sun to beautiful scenery everyday and most of all, spending time on, in and around the river.

I developed a love for Colorado in 1997 and most likely would have ended up there had I not been dating JC at the time. Don't read that as I blame JC, I secretly think he kept me on track so I could be where I am today.

I need to get back to my life goals and doing things that make me feel good. Horseback riding and Vespas to name a few. Here's to hoping for a better year that 2010. Wake me up when December ends please. Thanks.

My Greener Grass is Brown.

I signed another year lease today which will put me in Austin for at least another year. Not that I'm upset about that or anything, it's just that time of year I think. I'm in a funk rut. I'm analyzing the things I do, the people I choose to do them with and wonder if there's something bigger that I'm meant to be doing. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

Last night I stayed in for the first time in maybe a year or so. I've never feel like I'm home when I'm home in this apartment. I don't know why. I agreed that if I stayed here in this place, I'd do more to make it my home. That will start with getting a washer and dryer and a dresser to put my clothes in.

It was this month that Stephen and I were to move into a house where we were to have chickens and a duck that we would call Soup. I've been thinking about him more than I'd like to lately. I guess I think about love and being in it and wondering if I ever was or if I'm capable of loving. I feel so skewed lately. So while I smile and go about my day, parts of me are wishing for simple things like cooking a meal with someone I cared about, cuddling on the couch, tending to the chickens together, seeing the tree lighting ceremony at The Capitol and other such small things that are taken for granted on a daily basis.

I miss my family too. I hate thinking about not being with them on Christmas. I hate that I'll be in front of this stupid computer that barely works trying to get my webcam to not fuck up long enough so I can actually see Mom and Dad.

Running Away!

I don't have a runner's body. I may not appear athletic to many but let me tell you, when it comes to running, I'm pretty darn good at it! In the past 4 days, I have run 9 miles including Warrior Dash on Saturday that was a 5K muddy run! I had an absolute blast running in time with my co-worker, Jennie. I hadn't been training for about 3-4 weeks prior to Warrior Dash and still did pretty darn well. We managed to run the whole thing except for where we had to walk and wait to do the obstacles that were in our way. The best part of the day by far was the mud pit. I ran and dove face first, skinning my knee and getting mud on nearly every part of my body!

Anyways, I continue to be mostly happy and finding joy where I can. My new mantra is:

Today I will follow pleasurable pursuits that make my heart beat with a contented rhythm.

And I sure am.....

Broken Heart Recovery

My posts are few and far between lately. Sometimes when I'm driving late at night, I think of things to write in my blog but quickly tuck those little thoughts back in my mind and never mention them here.

I guess I don't want people to worry that I'm not ok because of something I wrote. I AM ok but have moments of sadness where I miss my friends and home. I suppose that is normal, right?

I remain single. I am realizing that I've never really recovered from mine and Derek's breakup. I guess that is what being 100% in love is like. It takes a while to recover. Last week, I walked into a place I frequent rather often and instantly got butterflies. I think my jaw was on the ground. I don't want to write too much about that because if for some reason he were to know how I reacted, he may think I'm a total weirdo. Anyways, I've lost my steam to write for now.

Rant

I'm sick of flaky people.


At least return a stupid message once and a while and don't fucking make plans if you can't keep them.


End of rant.

Under Your Spell Again

Strong, Soaring Eagle, Fierce Lil' Lion.

So as many know, I've been flying high. I ended my 5 days off by floating the river with Devin and Andy today and dancing to Johnny Falstaff and Mike and The Moonpies. Seriously, it was a perfect end to a really, really fun few days. Of course there is a catch.....

As I was having some Jarobie cuddle time, my phone went off. I was thinking, "Who would be sending me messages this late?" Really, it could have been any number of people but I wasn't expecting him. Yeah. So I looked in the mirror as I was taking out my contacts and said, "Millie, you are what you do when it counts." While his message was actually very sweet and personal, I've experienced that before. It's all sweet, sweet, sweet and then he flops like a fish and becomes a person I don't know and actually really dislike. I then quickly texted my "soul sister" and was freaking out for a split second. It was kind of a collected freak out, not an all out shit fit.

Her advice was turn off the phone. I didn't do that. I just didn't respond. I want to. I want to say a lot of things to him but I know that it is what soul sister calls the death spiral. When I kissed her goodnight just a few minutes ago, she said, "Remember, girl, you are strong." "Look at how happy and beautiful you are and where you're going." I reminded her that I knew I was strong and that I'm busy soaring. I'm an eagle, damn it! I'M AN EAGLE.

I'm kind of sorry I didn't respond to him because the kind, not selfish person in me want to reassure him he'll be fine without me. I just can't be with a man like him.