Thank God I Got an Upgrade!

After 3 ½ years and 4 roommates later, I said good-bye to the 1703 camp. Stephanie, who I have recently reconnected with, came and picked up me, the dogs and Jarobie at about 6:15 A.M. With my stuff packed in, we headed downtown to pick up my rental car. We arrived early so we drove around a bit. The woman at the Alamo pick-up window couldn't have been nicer. I had originally rented a Pontiac G6, which in retrospect would have been way too small. I asked for a free upgrade which turned out to be a Nissan Altima. I quickly fell in love and the motto for the trip was established, “Thank God I got an upgrade!”

I hugged Stephanie good-bye and told her I was happy that we were back in contact. It really had been too long. I started the car, popped in the CD that Darren made me and was on my way. I had intended to be on the road by 7:30, and I was EXACTLY on time. I will say the first 3 hours were a bit rough only because I haven’t driven a car in so long never mind driving 1100 miles. I fell in to a rhythm pretty quickly. Our first stop was in central Illinois. The dogs were happy to get out and stretch their legs and I was happy to get a Red Bull. I rearranged the stuff in the car to make it a bit more comfy for the dogs and bird. No matter how much I rearranged, it was pretty cramped quarters. It’s lucky Joe punked out on me last minute, there would have been no room for him. I hated lying to my mom about having a travel companion but I didn’t want to worry her anymore than she already was.

Track 18 and 19 on the CD got to me, especially track 19. There’s something about “100 Resolutions” that gets me emotional every time. “This year I’ll try not to drink too much, this year I’ll try to stand up for myself, this year I’m gonna live like I’ve never lived before, yeah this is my year for sure.” So yeah, you can see why those words would touch me so deeply. Granted, I don’t drink too much, I am going to try to live a lot more this year. I’d been in a terrible rut in Chicago and I really hope that by changing the scenery I’ll change my perspective on my life. Leaving Chicago was THE hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying good-bye to my friends, family and awesome job was mind blowing but I think it needed to be done. Remember, I’m just here passing time. You give me the green light and I’ll be back for you in a heartbeat.

Our second stop was after we got in to Arkansas. I pulled over at a rest area and let the dogs out again. I was sure to offer them plenty of water at every rest stop (Jarobie too). I fed them and cracked open the pretzels, trail mix and Twizzlers Aunt Dana had brought to Mom and Dad’s the day before. I was very thankful to have snacks! As we pushed on to Little Rock, I was listening to the radio and having some success with the stations. I lucked out with an hour of decent 80’s music and I sang my heart out! I’m certain a passenger wouldn’t have appreciated my screeching to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” Lucky for me, my dogs are my biggest fans! In the beginning, I had planned to stop for the night in Little Rock. I was making such great time, I pushed past Little Rock and eventually, pushed on to Austin in record time!

I will say the one thing I was hoping to see was a “Welcome To Texas” sign but I didn’t. I had every intention to get out and get a picture with the dogs in front of the sign. Oh well…..I’m sure I will come up with a cute picture for this year’s Christmas cards. I started to get sleepy when I got to Dallas and everyone was encouraging me to stop for the night. I thought about it and even stopped near a hotel for a few minutes to get another Red Bull and a bite to eat. Austin to Dallas was 3 more hours or so and I had done about 15 hours at that point (my personal best prior to my Austin trip). I got back on the road and started making phone calls. It was nice to talk to Lori, Katherine and Katherine. They really got me through those last few hours. I called Chad when I got to Round Rock and he gave me directions to the apartment.

As I spoke to him on the phone, I realized how delirious I was. He may have been a little worried about me even if he didn’t say so. When I saw Austin, I began to cry really HARD. I’m not sure if it was because I was happy, sad or just exhausted. It may have been a bit of each. I remembered how I had fallen in love with Austin back in April and made what some will call, a very rash decision to move. And yeah, it may have been really sudden and poorly though out but I’ve been known to jump before thinking. I hold true to my “all or nothing” mentality. I have very few lukewarm feelings and I have rarely been known to evoke lukewarm feelings from anyone. I think its love me or hate me. I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to see the middle of the road. I doubt it and I’m not about to start trying to change who I am. I am, however, working on “fine tuning” my responses and actions.

This move is a huge opportunity for me to step back and look at my life as it is and make decisions to make it better, more of the way I want it. One of my goals is to get Tru down here by August or September. I need horses in my life. I’ve suffered through some tough times and the payoff would be to be reunited with my sweet girl here in Austin. Other things that I’d love to try to do are: learn to cook healthy, veggie friendly meals, grow some of my own veggies, learn to dance really well so I can dance with the best guys at Ginny’s. I’d also love to get a car so I can take the dogs places like that river where I fell in love with Austin. It was so nice there and it was a dog-friendly area. Austin is SUPER dog-friendly. I’m also going to look In to driving very part time for fun and volunteering at a spay/neuter clinic.

The future is mine and it will be what I make of it.

Foreshadowing?

I copied and pasted this from my myspace blog. I don't write there very often anymore but was looking through old memories and came upon this......funny I mentioned Austin. It's almost like I knew then what was going to happen now.

November 11, 2008 - Tuesday 3:47 AM

thanks for the memory jog, you tube...... Current mood: determined

i want to tell you all how much i love you tube. it has allowed me to rediscover old songs that i haven't heard in so long. it makes me happy to hear songs from my teenage years (yes, i've been thinking about them a lot lately).
i've been doing some hard thinking and really think that moving is what i should do. it would be good for me. and if it doesn't work out, i can always come back! hell, maybe i'll even consider austin, cha cha! i'd prefer to go somewhere that i knew a few folks, i think that'd make it a bit easier. i also need to check out state laws as they pertain to unlicensed veterinary techs etc....some states don't allow unlicensed people even handle sharps. i'll have to do some research. i'd like to go somewhere where there's some scenery. i like nature. i'd also like to be somewhere i could horseback ride.
anyways, back to old modest mouse, old bouncin' souls and so many others!

For You.

Who's gonna tell you when, It's too late,
Who's gonna tell you things, Aren't so great.
You cant go on, thinkin', Nothings' wrong, but bye,
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight.?
Who's gonna pick you up, When You fall?
Who's gonna hang it up, When you call?
Who's gonna pay attention, To your dreams?
And who's gonna plug their ears, When you scream?

You can't go on, thinkin' Nothings wrong, but bye,
(who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(who's gonna drive you home)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

Who's gonna hold you down, When you shake?
Who's gonna come around, When you break?
You can't go on, thinkin', Nothin's wrong, but bye,
(Who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(who's gonna drive you home)

Oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin', Nothin's wrong,
(Who's gonna drive you)
(Who's gonna drive you home)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

Preparing to Say Goodbye, Not 100% Ready to Say Goodbye.

I'm excited for Tuesday. It's my going away party and the last time I'm going to see some of my friends before I move to Austin. I hope I'm not a crying, stuttering mess the whole night. I'm trying to plan a cute outfit or maybe a dress just because most people don't get to see me in a dress and I want to leave a lasting impression. I'm sure it won't be because of the damn dress.

Anyways, we're having Sushi at my favorite place, House of Sushi and Noodles followed by a drink under my very favorite tree at Orbit Room. From there, we'll do our usual Club Foot Tuesdays and end it all at The Continental. It'll be the first time I've gone back there since the night Derek made me push my scooter home. It's been a few months now and I'm ready to go there for one last time. With any luck, Greg won't be there. I'm sure he'll remind me of how I tackled his drunk ass and fucked up his ankle. I felt kinda bad but Derek and Brian told me not to. I still do.

I'm going to spend most of the day packing the rest of my life and then, with luck, I'll see Katherine for our last Monday Arturo's night together. I'm so not ready to say goodbye to some of my closer friends and our weekly routines. It's going to be sad to walk away. I love you guys.

Lack of Updates

I feel sad that I've been neglectful of my blog but I've been so very busy! This next week is the final push to get everything done and see everyone I need to see before I move. I can tell you right now I'm scared. But besides being scared, I'm excited, anxious, nervous, apprehensive but optimistic that this move is going to be very healthy. It's going to allow me to grow as a person in ways that staying in Chicago aren't. I guess I owe it to myself to at least try.

I've been bursting into tears randomly and I know that this is just the start of a really rough week. I know I have the strength but my emotions have been getting the best of me. The outpouring of support and love has been unreal and I think THAT'S what is putting doubt in my head. I like being the best and I love being adored. I like knowing I'm liked. I'm so scared to leave the familiar.

Austin, here I come.

The Closest Thing to Closure I'm Going to Get.

Via Text with typos and grammatical errors.......

Him: Sassy Muttle died. I don't care what terms were on, that was the most awesomest russel ever :(

Me: (shocked) I'm sorry. That is terrile news. She was an awesome dog and I adored her. My thoughts are with you family.

Him: (An hour later) Shes killin god in heaven right now. One can hope :) i wanna get a new russle! I cried a shit ton today tho. took three days to set in.

Him: (Two minutes later) And i never ment to hurt u. I care deeply about you and im sorry im a douche bag.

Yeah. Last thing I was expecting to wake up to, I'll tell you that much. I instantly wanted to to TXT him back something after his last remark but I have yet to do so. I'm not sure if he reads my blog but if he does he should know that he has NO idea how badly he hurt me. He needs to know that I don't throw the "L" word around. I don't tell someone I love them if I don't LOVE them. My emotions are true and pure without any ulterior motives. Sure, in the end he really did me a favor. Fuck, look at where I'm headed. Heartbreak does a Millie good (in some ways). So will I TXT him back? No. I have SO much to say to him but it's not going to allow me to heal. I don't know if he truly feels bad but I'll let the ball stay in his court for now. He can simmer in it and I'll ferment in everything I want to say to him in this lifetime.

As I told Chad, only time and distance are going to heal this heartbreak. Words won't work.

Hatred for Packing, Endoscopes and High-Fives!

I hate the act of moving. There's so much shit to do just for an "in town" move never mind moving 1,000 miles away. Regardless, I know what must be done and I'm throwing so much shit away. I will be getting under my bed in a few short hours to tear through the shit that is in there. I haven't looked at any of that stuff in 3 years. I'm almost afraid to open boxes and start sifting through the old memories.

I've been really emotional the past few days. I cried 3 times at work yesterday alone. I'm going to miss my peers and my job at CVES. Even the few folks there that I don't' really like aren't THAT bad. Last night reconfirmed that for me. There was a kitty who thought it would be a good idea to eat a needle and thread like so many silly cats do. We spent an hour fishing though this cat's belly with an endoscope looking for the needle so we didn't have to cut him. The DVM worked the focus and direction, I controlled the in and out of the stomach and Andrea controlled "The Pinchers of Peril" as she called them to reach in and grab the needle. It took endless tries and everytime we saw the needle, we'd scream and squeal with excitement! After so many tries, Andrea's Pinchers of Peril got the needle (so we thought). As I pulled the camera end of the scope from the cats esophagus, we only saw a thread but no needle!!! Andrea advanced the "Pinchers" and there it was!!!! We all cheered and high fived each other, some of us even hugged.

So you can see, with moments like that why I'd feel sad about leaving such an awesome hospital. I pray my next place is half as good as CVES.